3/19/10

A Coke and Chocolate kind of visit!

I am feeling drained emotionally after my visit with James today. James's office is only a few blocks away from my house. I was on my way home and there is a gas station in between his office and home so I stopped to get a Coke then ended up getting chocolate too! Those are my "comfort" foods!

I got home and Brad was there on his lunch break baby-sitting for me. I had to take him back to work and he reminded me that it's "free frazil Friday" for March. Frazil's are like slurpees/ slushies. MacKenzie and Brad work at the same place and the little boy I watch wanted to go see the chicks and ducks inside the store. So I asked MacKenzie what kind of frazil she wanted, Lemonade, which I also my favorite. I went to the 5 stores in town that have frazil and none of them had lemonade! I got her a root beer and headed back to their store. I was a little nervous about going in holding 2 frazil's with a 2-year-old and my dog who's leash I forgot at home! Well, needless to say my dog ended up peeing inside the store! Then I needed to go to the bathroom and while I was peeing the 2-year-old let my dog out of the bathroom so she was running around the store all by herself!

Now the little guy I was watching is gone I have time to sit and relax. I'm still feeling emotionally drained! You know that feeling right after you've cried, yep still feeling it 2 1/2 hours later! It wasn't even that deep of a session, just an emotional one. We continued with talking about Ted. We finished up going through the "letter" I wrote.

We started up where we left off last week-

12. I don't remember Ted ever saying out loud that he loved us. The only time I recall is in his nasty e-mails from a few years ago. In those same e-mails that called me names. It felt a lot like when my dad would say "I love you." It was followed by/ with abuse!

13. It is one thing to have parents that are deceased, but a whole 'nother thing when they choose to not be a part of your life. I'm sitting here wondering, What am I going to tell my kids? What will I say when they ask about their grandpa? I have pictures and stories and lots of fond memories about my mom to share when them, but what will I said about Ted? Seriously, I have NO idea what to do or say. Good thing I have many years before I have to deal with that.

14. My faith/ religion has been the one steady and good thing in my life. So when Ted claims that the LDS church has been so awful to him, it is hard. He refuses to tell me why. I never thought of it until today, but James mentioned maybe there was "church discipline". Like if He did something wrong and was dis-fellowshiped or excommunicated from the church. At first I started to tell James, "but my parents would of told me about that... no wait, they might not." Just maybe they are hiding something like that about Ted. I do respect the fact that people are other faiths or are inactive in the LDS church, but you don't have to be mean and nasty about it!

15. I covered in my previous Ted visit with James

16. This ties in with #14.

17. If you haven't realized I'm a very open person. But 7 years ago I was so closed up and private, it was killing me. I LOVE being open and wish sometimes I could be more open with people, but I know certain people don't want to hear about my abuse story or my problems with PCOS. Since Ted is full of lies and I can't trust him I can't ever fathom telling Ted all about things that have happened. Who knows what he would do with the info!

18. It took me years to get to the point where I felt like I could forgive Ted. I finally found it in my heart to do it and started fantasizing about possibly have a relationship with him! Nothing big or wonderful, but something. Maybe actually have him at my kids birthday parties, talking on the phone about what is going on in our lives. It didn't have to be perfect. But that all came crashing down and now I have to give up those hopes I had for all of a few weeks. Here I am 3 1/2 years later and it still makes me sad!

19. It's just that- it doesn't have to be perfect, wonderful or spectacular, just 2 civilized people that can get along.

20. and 21. That's the same as #17

22. Same as 13

23. That is the only side of him I have ever seen. I wish I could know the real him, if there is anything beside being angry and bitter! Like what does he like to do, that kind of stuff.

24. James talked about how Ted didn't deserve that title. He also talked about majority of these thing are about Ted, not me. It's not that I didn't deserve his love, it about Ted and the choices and mistakes he made.

25. This one was a little different, because in reality I would not of wanted him at my wedding/ sealing or even being outside the temple. But I wish he was a worthy, LDS temple recommend holder that I had a decent relationship with. I also confessed to James, it was My decision that he was not at my wedding, because I didn't invite him. I am now curious as to what would of happened if I had invited him. Would he of shown up at the temple to be there, probably not. Would he of come to the reception, I have no idea! I would say, maybe and maybe not, I don't know. The way he feels about my family might of kept him from coming. But maybe he wouldn't even want to of been there at all. Maybe he deep down loved me and would of put aside his feelings about my family for a few hours to be with me. I will never know!

Homework: James threw out the idea of drawing a picture of my "letter" to Ted. What would it look like? Who would be in it? I'm am really curious now as to what would come out. I just might do it, as it was optional, not my real homework.

My assignment: "The Bridge" Look back and see how far you've come in your healing. Draw a picture with a bridge in it and place your self somewhere in the picture representing where you are at this point in your life.