3/15/10

I met with James last Friday. It was a really good session. Last time we started talking about Ted stuff and my feeling about it all. I went to write a letter and this is what just came out-

1. I feel hurt that you were never there for me.
2. I feel hurt that you never seemed to care.
3. I feel hurt that my grandma never bothered to meet me.
4. I feel hurt about the accusations you made about my mom.
5. I feel hurt about the accusations you made about my family.
6. I feel hurt by your lies.
7. I feel hurt that you claim you have never lied to me and yet I have caught you in lies.
8. I feel hurt by your threats to take me away from my family.
9. I feel hurt by the names you have called me.
10. I feel hurt that you blame everything that goes wrong in your life on my family.
11. I feel hurt by a lot of the things you have said to me.
12. I feel sad when you claim you love me.
13. I feel sad that my children can not have either of my parents be a part of their lives.
14. I feel sad about your bitterness towards the church.
15. I feel sad that even when you did come around, you still were not a part of my life.
16. I feel sad sometimes when I see the St. George Temple and think about the fact that you were married and sealed to my mom there.
17. I feel sad that I can't share things about me and my life with you.
18. I feel sad that I forgave you and wanted you to be a part of my life and in return you rejected me.
19. I wish we could have a decent relationship.
20. I wish I could be open and honest with you.
21. I wish you would tell me the truth.
22. I wish my kids could know their grandpa.
23. I wish I could really know you beneath your bitterness and anger.
24. I wish I could call you dad.
25. I wish you could of been at my wedding.
26. I wish I didn't feel so hurt by you.

When I was done sharing that with James , he asked if he suggested me to write it like that? Nope, that is just what I came up with. He was impressed and pleased with it! I really like how it turned out too. After I read it James wanted me to read it again, but imagine Ted was there and explain them in more details. James set up the chair in front of me and I reluctantly did the first one and stopped.

I eventually explained to James that I said I would never talk to Ted again and I just didn't feel like I could. I don't have any problem talking about each of them with James, but directing them at Ted was a bit much for me at this time.

1. and 2. James and I talked about how not only did Ted abandon me, but was/ is emotionally abusive. Maybe not as directly emotionally abuse, but in directly with my family and the lies. He came around but it was never anything, not holidays or special occasions, no school stuff, just "Here is some crap I got for free. Now Thank me for it!"

3. My "Grandma". I don't get it. Yes my parents were divorced when I was about 6 weeks old, but I never once met the lady. We lived in the same town for 16 years! She made my sister a baby blanket when she was born, but not me! Why? I did have a chance to meet her when I was 13, but it was my decision and not her's and I decided not to.

4. - 7. We talk about his lie and how Ted swears on his life he has NEVER lied to me. James said, that is a sign of a lie when they make a big deal that they are NOT lying! Which is totally Ted! I actually remember the first lie I ever caught him in. I wrote about it in this blog post- about my sister's favorite color. Well, I don't have kids, I have had foster kids and my 11 month-old and 20-month-old didn't seem to have a favorite color. It doesn't even make sense to me how you would have a favorite color at 1 year old, I mean, how could you? Am I wrong or was my sister a 1 in a Million kid that had a favorite color at 12-months-old?

8. Another thing he has done that had really messed up my life, the threat to take me away from my family. I lived in the same house from the day I was born until the day I moved out at 19. Although not perfect, it was a pretty stable environment. I began to fear being kidnapped or being harmed by him. To be honest, I still have that fear! I have run into him 3 times in public, out of those 3 times, 2 of them I was scared to death! I was so afraid he was going to kidnap me! Since he has already made that threat to me it was a very valid fear! Grandpa and I used to go to things like convention shows ALL the time. I used to (and still kind of do, not as much) love computers! Every time dad and I went to a computer thing I feared running into Ted, I knew that he too enjoyed computers and I might run into him. Well, one day we did run into him! I can remember the feelings of terror and panic, I was a teenager but I was practically clinging to my grandpa! I'm pretty sure that was the last computer show I ever went to because of  Ted and my fear of running into him again!

9. It is one thing to have been raised by a verbally abusive dad, but to have Ted call me a B**** feels different. Since I wasn't raised by him, or spent much time around him and it was in 1 of only a few conversation we ever had!

10. I've posted about his craziness before, here-
A little more background into on me- Brad and I have done foster and are currently waiting for a placement. We are also trying to adopt. The issue of my future children and their birth parents makes me a bit nervous because of what Ted has done. I worry for them that they too might someday fear that their parents are going to come after them and take them away. Obviously I fear more for them if we adopt them through foster care then if we get them from an arranged adoption. I hope they don't feel abandoned or un-loved.