4/16/10

Even though I'm baby-sitting, Em is sleeping so I will attempt to write!

Today with James, we talked a little bit more about my mom's death. Not actually about her death but the trauma that followed. The first memory I have about hiding my emotions: I don't remember how long after her death it was, but Grandma sat my sister and I down and had us listen to a song. I can't find the lyrics and the release date says 1996, but she died in Dec. of 1991, so I don't know. It was "I'll Build You a Rainbow" by Kapena Anyway's, I remember Grandma saying, It's okay to cry. Even at 7 I knew I had to hide my emotions so when I did start to cry I went to the bathroom to hide them. Grandma came in and again told me it was okay. How sad that at 7 years old I knew, or at least felt like I needed to hide that.

I also remember hearing my sister crying herself to sleep. Then when Grandpa would be abusive at first we both cried. Eventually my sister stopped and I asked her why. She said something to the effect that, what good does it do, he will yell any ways. I on the other hand never stopped crying, guess I'm just too emotional.

I didn't have many thoughts or feelings about my mom's death until 12 years later. I don't know if it was triggered by being in counseling with Joy or something else, but it started full force. I'd have nightmares about the morning of my mom's death. I would wake up to the sound of my sister screaming, like I did that morning. I feared sleeping because of it. It has lessened over the years. James and I talked about how shoving it down it doesn't just sit there, it causes new things/ emotions. The emotion I had the most about her death was loneliness.