2/28/10

Sometimes I feel like I bring these things onto myself and all too easily!

Last night I was having a sleepless night and started searching for people on Facebook.
Growing up my parents told me little things about my mom. Maybe it was just too hard for them to talk about it. But it has been hard for me knowing so little about her. One thing they did mention a lot was one of her friends. Last night I looked on Facebook and found this friend of my moms. I added her as a friend. A few minutes ago she confirmed me as a friend.

I has stirred up a lot of emotions that I didn't expect. Mostly sadness. I'm sad that I don't know much about my mom. I feel sad that I don't feel like I can turn to my parents for info or stories about her. I do trust my parents, but they had been a closed book about my mom for 18 years now and I don't want to cause them pain by asking questions.

As I sit here thinking about sending her friend a message and the things I might say/ ask her all I can do is cry. I'm trying to convince myself not to. Part of me wants to just let it out. Part of me is saying, "Don't cry over spilt milk." I feel like my tears are so petty and I really shouldn't be crying about my mom's friend being my friend on Facebook!

Then I remind myself a question James always asks me, "What are your tears saying." They are saying I miss my mom & I'm feeling sad. I did better then I expected on the anniversary of her death. I feel like my PTSD has been getting better over the years. Sometimes I just need to let myself feel and cry and not try to stop it!