1/16/08

I have tried working on the letter to myself. It has been hard and a little overwhelming. Looking at pictures of me when I was in middle school has been hard. Thinking about how much pain that girl is going through is the toughest. I decided to do group again(this was group #2)! I am really nervous about it. I felt like I needed that extra support, since my family doesn't know, so I e-mailed some people from SOLE. So far only one person has written back. That and what Sister Parker wrote really means a lot to me. She wrote "Hi there! Wow is all I can say. I love you and I am very proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to face reality. I know Heavenly Father is wrapping his arms around you right now. If I was there I would too!" I was just looking at a quilt I made as a teenager with mom b and my sister. I remember working on it and finishing it. When when we were done sister and I put them on our beds and mom b yelled at us that we weren't supposed to use them. So it has been sitting in the closet for almost 10 years. I saw it and got it out, thinking maybe I should use it. As I laid it out I decided that I couldn't, it was too painful.

1/14/08

I have known this for years, but all of a sudden it is all sinking in and realizing why. I don't eat. There are days I have to force myself to, but I hate eating. I didn't realize it until just now, but as a teenager there was a lot of verbal abuse involving food or dinner. I was constantly being told that I was fat. Even at 18 I was told that if I didn't like what was for dinner I had to starve, so I did. I now find it easier just to eat at restaurants because it is safe. I don't know how to explain in. When we would go to a restaurant as a family I could have what I wanted for once and there was no arguing. I eat fast food almost every day for lunch in high school, so now that is a comfort. Today for lunch I was excited to have these raviolis that I knew my husband wouldn't eat. I was starving and actually wanted to eat. Then when they were done I eat maybe 3 & decided it was too cold, so I heated it up and had maybe 1 more & realized that I just didn't want to eat. Most of the time all I want to eat is candy. I am worried that this might be making it harder for me to get pregnant.

1/11/08

It is too hard to look at pictures of myself from 13 - 18. All I can think is how I don't like that girl, I don't like what her life was like or what she was going through. It has never bothered me before looking at pictures of myself, but right now it is too hard. When I look at her face I can see all her pain. That is all I can think about when I see her face, all her pain and how she didn't want to live. When I saw the picture of our family in Hawaii all I can think is that when that picture was taken my mom was trying to get me to drink alcohol. I shouldn't have had to be in that situation. I shouldn't have had to tell my own mom when I was 16 that I was not going to drink. I shouldn't have gone through that, any of it. I can't believe what Jack did to me. That I had to go through that and no one knew. I was completely alone. When I look at pictures of myself from 19 on, I finally see this happy girl who made it though everything.

1/2008

I just LOVE this letter from Sister Parker. It is from almost 2 years ago. (Jan. 2008) "I'm so impressed with you and I always have been. You're a good good girl from the inside out. I know that you have had a hard life and things have happened to you in your childhood that should not happen to any child. I always felt that your dad was so mean and abusive to you mentally. All you've ever wanted was to love and be love and people that you should have been about to trust have let you down. You're done such a great job of holding your life together and getting the help that you need. You've faced things head on and done what you need to do to get help. I'm glad that you recognized and remembered what happened to you so that you can deal with it and that you are now back in counseling and that it's been wonderful. You have always always been someone very special to me. Somehow God gave me a glimpse of your goodness and greatness and everytime I even think about you I know you're someone very special. You'll be okay. You'll be okay because the Lord will watch over you. You deserve his choicest blessings and He'll never let you down. He's been there all through your life and He'll be there again. Just stay strong in your faith and turn to Father in Heaven and He'll be there for you. Thank you for sharing this with me. I'll keep you in my personal prayers. You have such a positive attitude. I'm impressed that you went through all your journals and have come to the conclusion that as hard as all of this is for you right now that it's easy compared to 4 years ago. I think you're right. You have a wonderful husband, and together you can tackle anything. You've come so far and you know it and you appreciate God's help getting you through it. You're very wise. The Lord has prepared you for this stage of your life. He has whispered through the Spirit that something was wrong and something was happening so and made you strong enough to handle it. What a great way to look at this challenge in your life. I think you're one of the greates people I know. You can handle it because the Lord will help you. I will always try to be here for you. Keep me informed and I'll keep you in my prayers. I love you...I really love you." Doesn't it just make you cry? Well, it makes me cry. I think about all the time I spent talking to her, all the hugs and tears, most of all- all of the support! - Sometimes I do my blog post months in advance. When I decided to put this up as my Christmas post I did not know that Sister Parker s husband would pass away exactly 1 month before Christmas. While Christmas shopping I found this cute little quote by Neal A. Maxwell. It made me think of Sister Parker. I have been meaning to mail it to her and haven't. Well, for Christmas we were down there and dropped it off. It was so good to see her. It has been years since I have seen her! Thank goodness for e-mail! I got home to an e-mail from her... she always makes me cry (or at least tear up)!

1/9/2008

I've been feeling a little blah lately. I know there is more work I need to do, I just don't know what it is! James and I talked about me writing Jack a letter... Still haven't started on that, or even thought about since our last visit. James asked on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being I really need to write Jack a letter as part of my healing, how do I feel about it. Is it weird that I don't have a desire at all to write Jack a letter? I had the strong desire, and actually wrote and sent a letter to Colleen. That was something I felt I 100% needed in my healing. I just don't know what I would say to Jack. I guess I don't have that much to say to him. "You hurt me. I don't like you. I never want to see you ever again. I think you're a jerk." That pretty much sums it up! James and I talked about a "safe place". It made me think of the fact that I never really had much safety/ stability. It makes me sad that there was zero stability in the parenting of me. Now that I think about it, our tree house was my safe place growing up. It was my little get away/ haven. Unfortunately my grandpa tore it down right around the same time I started watching Jack. Even though my "safe place" can be anything, the beach, the mountains, a room, a church, a temple, anything. When I think of "safe place" I picture Sister Parker's house. I always felt so safe there. As a teenager the LDS Temple in Las Vegas brought me so much comfort. It was another safe place for me. We also talked about my comfort kit. Mine is mostly pictures. Although I did think of a few more things today! So I am adding... I remember when I made this blanket. It was for a young women's project. It has always been one of my favorites. It was in my "Emergency Bag". I took in on the Church History Tour with me. 2 years ago I worked at a daycare and I left this blanket there for my 2-year-old foster daughter to use during her nap time. I thought I had left it there and had lost it forever. Back in June my husband and I went camping and we just grabbed a bag of blankets. When we were setting up the tent I opened the bag and this blanket was in there! This is thanks to SOLE.... I don't remember what week it was, but our homework was to do something for ourselves. It took a lot of thought to come up with this. Back then I did NOT relax. I used to use this more often, but haven't used it much anymore. My comfort has becomes baths! I love them! I can NOT stress out when I am in them. They just relax me and I never want to get out. This past week I've been living in the bath tub, it is one thing that helps with my PCOS, which has been really bad lately. I actually thought of this post while in the bath tub just a few minutes ago! If anyone ever needs a gift idea for me- bubble bath! Speaking of that I need to add- LOVE this stuff!!!! I remember when Bath and Body Works came out with their aromatherapy stuff and I instantly fell in love with the "Stress Relief". Also our local Wal-Mart has smelly wax things, I have no idea what they're called, but one day I noticed one labeled Stress Relief. It smells exactly like the stuff from Bath and Body Works. I love it because I can make my whole house smell like stress relief. Seriously, this stuff is amazing. One sniff and my stress just melts away! Oh and FYI, the kind I like is the Eucalyptus Spearmint, they have a few different stress relief ones. I also love their "Sleep- Lavender Chamomile" Now they just need to make one for cramp relief! My homework: work on my safe place, draw it. finish reading the papers James gave me last time!

1-6-08

I met with James on Thursday. We talked a little about the cutting and how my family reacted to it. James thinks that the way my family treated me was worse than the cutting. I actually think so too. James asked me if i thought only weird, bad people cut, no one normal does? I said yes, because that is what i think, but it isn't true. It was the first time that someone told me that I wasn't bad for doing it. It was my way to deal with things & I just need to learn a better way to deal with it all.

1/2008

Dear (me), I know how much pain you are in. I know that it is hard right now, but your going to make it. You have more strength then you think. I'm sorry for how rough your life has been. Never forget that you are not alone. I don't like looking at your picture because it breaks my heart & makes me sad to think about what you are going though. You are trying so hard to just fit in, to be normal for once. You try to be happy all the time so no one will know that anything is wrong. You just want to be accepted, you want to be loved for once. There will be many people in your life that will love and support you the way you want your family to. It is tough when you have no one, but you won't be alone forever. It isn't fair that you have to go though all these trials. No one should have to go through everything you have & have yet to, but you do. You can make it because you are strong. One thing Sister Parker always told me "stay strong" and you do, you just keep going. You have shut down all your feelings to protect yourself. I know you didn't have a voice back then, but you do now.