11/29/03

All day yesterday I have been fighting these feelings to cut. It has been 3 weeks now. It is almost as if I want to do it just to show my parents I am hurting. Not like they will even notice. The first time I cut I made sure it was somewhere they would see. They never said anything.

I keep thinking, “Once more won’t hurt.” I just want to so badly.

When I talk to my parents it is always as if I never said anything. Sometimes all I want is attention or someone to just listen to me.


1:17 am
I cut. Too much pain to handle. My parents don’t give a crap about my well-being.

Update:
That night as I sat in my room I kept having flashbacks about my mom’s death. I kept seeing that morning, seeing her dead body over and over again. The only way I could think to get the images in my head to stop was to cut.

I went into the kitchen, got a knife and cut my arm. The flashbacks stopped.

That was the last time I ever cut!

11/27/03

It has been 12 years since she has been gone. There is still a hole in my heart, a piece of it that was taken when she died. The hold cannot be filled by my husband, his parents or our children. That park of me is just for her and always will be. The hole will be filled the second I am with her again.

Looking back on my life with her, I can see how much I loved her. I was so little and I looked up and admired her so much. Her life revolved around my sister and I. As I have gotten to know her better through her journal, I have this increase of love for her. I love her so much.

The pain I was feeling just kept piling up. It got to the point that I couldn’t handle it. I started pleading with Heavenly Father for his to help take some of the pain away. I’ve realized the past few days that the pain has started to fade. It didn’t do away all at once, just a little at a time. I know what I am doing in my life right now is what my mom would want me to be doing. 

11/18/03

I can't stop crying because I'm so happy and still kind of in shock at the same time. I just now realized that this life I have been living of abuse and misery is going to end! I mean I have thought it and said it, but for the first time I am feeling it! I have a hard time feeling certain emotions, but I am breaking through that.

It's weird for once to have feelings. I know it woulds odd but it's the truth! Today Sister Parker was so awesome. I love her so much. She means the world to me.

It has been a rough day, lot of ups and downs. Saw Joy today, I was down and she could tell. I think my day went like this- down, up, down, up, up, down.

Today with Joy was, well different. At first we talked about me moving out and all that stuff. Then she said she could tell something was wrong, she could see it in my eyes. I told her how I have been having a hard time with my mom's death. She asked what brought the feelings on. I explained how I can be fine with it and then I'm just not. I didn't tell her about the flashbacks or the wanting to cut. Maybe in 2 weeks I will. I told her how I feel like that when I am alone in my room.

She said I need to get rid of my negative feelings. Then she was asking me about memories of my mom. I mean sure I have some, but I just couldn't tell her. I told her one, the time my mom showed me pictures of her and Ted's wedding. She had a really hard time with it and cried the whole time she showed me pictures. At the time I didn't understand why. I had to of been maybe 6 at the time.

Joy wants me to bring out happy memories. I have them, I just do not want to tell them to Joy. I don't know why. Like Joy said, I can't focus on the negative, it will destroy my life.

• Satan wants us to be miserable
• I want to be happy, I need to be happy! 

I showed Joy 2 pictures of my mom, my favorite 2. The one where she is wearing a maroon dress and the one from my great grandparent's 50th anniversary where she is holding me. Joy told me I should make a scrapbook of my mom and I told her I just barely did!

How ironic. 

11/11/2003

One of the first things Joy said to me when she was me, was how happy I looked, that it was the happiest she has even seen me.

We talked about changing my "thought process". She told me about this "stop" method. When you get bad thoughts (or I start believing my dad) you say stop out loud then you think of a happy moment. We talked about my happy memories, bow I don't really have a lot. Not many with my mom or really very many with my grandparents. Then I thought of one with Sister Parker. While on the trip, and my dad gave me that letter. I felt like he was blaming part of the reason he hasn't joined the church is because of me. It tore me up, how could he do this? What did I do? I thought about what Sister Parker said to me as she hugged me.

As I thought about this experience I almost started crying. Joy asked me who I felt like really cares about me. I knew right away, but it took me a second to tell her, Sister Parker. She smiled & said, "That is who I was thinking too. You know who also really cares about you? Bishop M. He and Bishop W were arguing about who is your bishop and who is going to take over this. Bishop M won. I was all, I figured that. I love Bishop W, but he doesn't stand a chance.

Then as I was leaving she gave me a hug & put her arm around me & told me she really cares about me too.

11/9/03

Church today was great! I have been struggling with my mom’s death. Last night I didn’t get to sleep until 6:20 am, then I got up at 10 and got ready for church.

Tuesday Sister Parker asked me if I ever felt my mom with me, I told her sometimes.

Tonight someone rang the doorbell, there was a plate of cookies and a note, “To Dawn, Coming your way to brighten your day. We love you, your friends.”

For the first time in my life when I look in the mirror I see this beautiful daughter of God. I can look past all my flaws and mistakes and really see me. Heavenly Father did not put me in these circumstances by mistake, he did not leave me helpless. He knows my strengths and he knew I could handle all of it and that along the way I would find out who I am- a daughter of God. I actually feel like it too. I’m not even sure what has changed so much, but something has.

11/7/03

It is amazing how your life can change just by doing the basics. I don’t remember when I stopped doing them, but I noticed the gradual change in me.

I started really having a problem with cutting. I even cut 3 times in 1 week (the most often so far).

Saturday after I cut I decided I needed to fast that I will be able to stop.

By Sunday night I felt so good that I would be able to never cut again. Then Monday and Tuesday I was so tempted to cut.

Tuesday I began to doubt if I will be able to never cut. I wanted to talk to Joy about it, but it never came up.

I talked to Sister Parker about it. She asked me when the last time I cut was, Saturday. She asked me that once I moved out would I stop? I told her I didn’t know. “That isn’t an answer.” She told me and asked again. I told her I wasn’t sure.

She told me that it isn’t a serious sin, but it is bad. She asked if I felt the spirit at church, I told her sometimes. She asked if I pray? I try to. Do I feel like Heavenly Father hears/ answers them? Sometimes.

We talked for half an hour. When we finished I really thought about things. I realized that I was going to stop & that was that. Never again! 

Since then I have been praying every night and every morning. I have read the Book of Mormon every night & I have written in my journal every night.

Since then I have not been tempted to cut at all. No desire, no temptation, nothing! I have felt better about everything. 

I have been hurt enough in my life, why should I hurt myself?

11/5/03

After 4 days of asking my Grandma if I could see my mom’s journal she finally got it for me. It is interesting, I’m sure when my daughters read this they will think it is interesting too.  It is weird because I’m the same age she was when she wrote what I am reading now. Just the things she said, it sounds like things I would say and do. We are a lot alike.

I’m just wondering if she wrote about anything that might have gone on in her home or her testimony or something. I’m only on page 16 so far. 

11/4/03

(I just turned 19 at the time)
I saw Joy today, we talked about me moving out and all. She told me that last night she talked to Bishop M. Bishop M told her that my dad’s drinking has gotten worse since he retired. and that my mom has been very depressed for a long time.

Then today Bro. N called and told me Bishop M wanted to see me tonight. After I talked to him I went and talked to Sister Parker. We talked about be hurting because of my mom’s death, my faith and how I’ve been struggling. 

11/2/2003

Today has been a great day. Church was good, I was paying attention for once. During Sacrament meeting I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I was really nervous about tonight, I had an appointment with Bishop W and I was going to talk to Sister Parker later too. Then during the closing hymn (Lord, I will follow thee) I got this peaceful feeling.

  

Before I left to talk to Bishop W I just prayed that I would say the things there I needed to. Also Bishop W has asked me to pray the past 2 times & I have said no, I am still struggling to say them to myself aloud. But I prayed that if he asked me to I would be able to do it.

Of course he asked me to, it wasn’t the best prayer, but I don’t think he cared. I showed him the letter, he wants me to move out NOW! He doesn’t understand why I don’t just move out now instead of waiting until Rachel is ready. I just I just don’t want to. I can last another month or so. We talked a little about the cutting. He asked if I knew how many times I have cut, 4. When was the last time I cut? Um... Yesterday! I told him about what happened.

After that I talked to Sister Parker. I was on my way to Sister Parker’s & I just kept saying, I am going to stop cutting, I’m never going to do it again & that’s that! After I left her house I just started bawling because all of a sudden I missed my mom so much. 

11/1/2003

I started reading a book on cutting on Thursday. It is interesting.

I almost cut yesterday while at work. I began fantasizing about what the blood would look like & how it would feel. I just sat there thinking about it. I almost got up and grabbed a knife, I guess I realized what I was about to do and stopped myself.