I finally had my doctors appointment to talk about my depression. I say it, or at least think it, everytime I see him, but I love how thorough he is. He went through what symptoms I'm struggling with, how I've been feeling and thinking.
Question) How have you been on the Wellbutrin?
Answer) It has worked for the most part, but I have go from feeling 100% to rock bottom within seconds for no reason.
Q) What is your sleep like?
A) Once I fall asleep (sometimes I struggle) it is hard to wake up and all I want to do is asleep.
Q) What is your energy level like?
A) Really low energy
Q) Do you feel guilty about anything?
A) No
Q) Do you have any hobbies? What are they?
A) Yes, crafting
Q)You have ever thought about hurting yourself?
A) um.... yes.
Q) When was this?
A) A few months ago (about 2 1/2)
Q) Did you have an actual plan?
A) No
Q) Were you ever close to doing anything?
A) Nope
Q) Were your feelings more like- I want to go to sleep and never wake up or I want to runaway and not come back
A) Sleep, I'm just tired of one thing going wrong after another.
Somewhere in here he suggested counseling. I told him I already am.
We also talked briefly about my hysterectomy. The last time I saw him he was giving me the referral to my Ob, so he didn't know it was already over and done with! It's funny how talking about my hysterectomy always makes me smile. One of the best things I've ever done!
One funny thing that happened, at least I thought it was funny-
One thing I've noticed with Dr. P is he has always kept doctor stuff and church stuff separate. He has never mentioned anything doctor related at church or anything church related at his office. So he really caught me off guard when he asked me, "What is your calling in your ward?" It was funny how he asked that out of the blue. I told him that it was in Cub Scouts, but we are moving soon and will be in a different ward, but in the same stake.
We are now seeing how I will do on Brintellix.
I've decided to keep track of how I'm doing on Brintellix
Day 1: Took mid-day, slight nausea. Fell right asleep at 11.
Day 2: Woke up at 5. Got nap from 9 to 10:30. Felt great all day. Took at bedtime, slight nausea. Fell right asleep at 12.
Day 3: Woke up at 11:30 (over 11 hours of sleep). Felt fine all day. Took at bedtime, slight nausea, slightly itchy, really restless and struggled to fall asleep.
Day 4: Got very restless sleep from about 2 am to 6 am. Woke up extremely itchy all over.
Day 5: I'm done. I remained itchy all over my whole body all day. The idea of taking something that makes me nauseas, itchy, restless, and sleep deprived does not sound appealing!
Back to Prozac! This time there is no cycle to mess up!
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
11/13/15
One of the things that Grace and I talked about was my lack of eating.
Why don't I eat?
- I don't like eating.
- I hate having to try to figure out what to eat
If I could actually survive without eating I would!
One of the reasons I struggle is because growing up there was a lot of verbal abuse that went on during dinner. Plus, Grandpa was constantly calling me fat. For the record my BMI as a teenager was 22.5, which is normal!
Another thing we talked about was my withdrawal and isolation. We are moving soon and will be in a new ward, so this could be a good thing for me. So being in a new ward soon I need to actually talk to people. I think that might be my problem is I sit around and wait for people to come to me. I need to make an effort to talk to people, which is so hard for me!
Why don't I eat?
- I don't like eating.
- I hate having to try to figure out what to eat
If I could actually survive without eating I would!
One of the reasons I struggle is because growing up there was a lot of verbal abuse that went on during dinner. Plus, Grandpa was constantly calling me fat. For the record my BMI as a teenager was 22.5, which is normal!
Another thing we talked about was my withdrawal and isolation. We are moving soon and will be in a new ward, so this could be a good thing for me. So being in a new ward soon I need to actually talk to people. I think that might be my problem is I sit around and wait for people to come to me. I need to make an effort to talk to people, which is so hard for me!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
11/8/2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
11/6/15
Last night I finally had time to sit and talk with Brad about how things went with Grace this week. As we talked about the grief process I brought up the baby. I told Brad how I was thinking about him just the other day and everything that went on with Jen. It wasn't until I went through the paper Grace gave me on grief that I realized how I went through the whole process of grieving his loss without even realizing it. I told Brad that just shows me that I am capable of going through this whole grief process.
As Brad and I talked I realized that we haven't talked about the baby pretty much since it happened. It's also interesting that over the past 4 years if I ever think about him, or miss him I <u>let</u> myself feel sad and miss him. I never push down those feelings or ignore them or feeling guilty for have them. I let them come and I let myself feel them and I move on. This is where I need to go to with my mom's death. I've been fighting the whole grieving process for so long, way too long. If those feelings come up, I shove them back down. I have felt like if they come up it is too painful to deal with so I try to ignore them.
I still can not think of anything to do each year though. I'm at a complete loss of ideas.
I do feel like we did take a step, possibly the final step, in grieving the loss of the baby. Before now we have always referred to it/ him as "the baby". We always planned on using the name Payson for a future son. Now that we are done and are not going to be having any more children I suggested we officially make him "Payson". Brad liked that. It still seems so weird to me sometime to completely grasp the fact that he never existed. As Brad put it last night it's the idea of him, the thought of having him. In my head he still seems so real and that is okay. I'm allowed to be sad and miss him. I have noticed though that the whole event is no longer painful. It hasn't been for a long time and it only happened 4 1/2 years ago. Yet, my mom's death still is. I still have so many emotions to work through. That's the important part, working through them instead of trying my hardest not to face them out of fear of pain.
I haven't been able to sleep tonight. By 3:30 I figured maybe a bath would relax me. Instead it seems to wake me up more! I've still been trying to think of what I want to do. It seems so hard when just thinking about my mom most of the time is painful. One of the ideas I do have that doesn't seem that hard to simply bake cookies with my kids. It's one thing I remember doing with her.
After I told Grace the details of my mom's death she asked me some questions. One of them was if I felt loved by my mom. That's been one of the hardest part of losing her was going from feelings loved and wanted to feeling like my grandparents possession. I don't know why, but they (mainly Grandpa) constantly told me that they "saved" me from being a homeless orphan. That doesn't make you feel very loved or wanted now does it? The worst part about that is it is not even true! I can go on and on about that, but I will move on.
Another question was if I feared losing my mom/ knew that it was possible she could die. I simply said yes, actually I just shock my head yes. I didn't go into the painful fact that one of the last things I ever said to my mom the night before she died was, "Are you going to die?". It was as if I knew. Somehow deep down I knew she was going to die that night.
As Brad and I talked I realized that we haven't talked about the baby pretty much since it happened. It's also interesting that over the past 4 years if I ever think about him, or miss him I <u>let</u> myself feel sad and miss him. I never push down those feelings or ignore them or feeling guilty for have them. I let them come and I let myself feel them and I move on. This is where I need to go to with my mom's death. I've been fighting the whole grieving process for so long, way too long. If those feelings come up, I shove them back down. I have felt like if they come up it is too painful to deal with so I try to ignore them.
I still can not think of anything to do each year though. I'm at a complete loss of ideas.
I do feel like we did take a step, possibly the final step, in grieving the loss of the baby. Before now we have always referred to it/ him as "the baby". We always planned on using the name Payson for a future son. Now that we are done and are not going to be having any more children I suggested we officially make him "Payson". Brad liked that. It still seems so weird to me sometime to completely grasp the fact that he never existed. As Brad put it last night it's the idea of him, the thought of having him. In my head he still seems so real and that is okay. I'm allowed to be sad and miss him. I have noticed though that the whole event is no longer painful. It hasn't been for a long time and it only happened 4 1/2 years ago. Yet, my mom's death still is. I still have so many emotions to work through. That's the important part, working through them instead of trying my hardest not to face them out of fear of pain.
I haven't been able to sleep tonight. By 3:30 I figured maybe a bath would relax me. Instead it seems to wake me up more! I've still been trying to think of what I want to do. It seems so hard when just thinking about my mom most of the time is painful. One of the ideas I do have that doesn't seem that hard to simply bake cookies with my kids. It's one thing I remember doing with her.
After I told Grace the details of my mom's death she asked me some questions. One of them was if I felt loved by my mom. That's been one of the hardest part of losing her was going from feelings loved and wanted to feeling like my grandparents possession. I don't know why, but they (mainly Grandpa) constantly told me that they "saved" me from being a homeless orphan. That doesn't make you feel very loved or wanted now does it? The worst part about that is it is not even true! I can go on and on about that, but I will move on.
Another question was if I feared losing my mom/ knew that it was possible she could die. I simply said yes, actually I just shock my head yes. I didn't go into the painful fact that one of the last things I ever said to my mom the night before she died was, "Are you going to die?". It was as if I knew. Somehow deep down I knew she was going to die that night.
11/6/15
I woke up this morning feeling better then I have felt in 3 weeks! I actually woke up before my alarm, thanks to the kids and day lights savings.
I actually felt like eating before 1 pm! I'm usually so nauseous that I have no desire to eat until I'm starving and force myself to eat something.
I also have felt motivated to get stuff done, which hasn't happened in easily a month! I checked to see if I had any orders I needed to get done, which I don't. This is the first time in 3 1/2 years I haven't had a single order! It's a nice break for once.
When I went to the kitchen to eat I decided to finally sweep the floors. I haven't cleaned any part of the house in probably a month. It's hard enough getting out of bed when the depression is bad. Cleaning the house is nearly impossible. As my food cooked I swept the laundry room, dinning room and kitchen. Just maybe throughout the day I'll clean some more.
The past week has been so bad that I've actually fallen behind on laundry which hasn't happened for 4 months! Goal of today is to now try to catch up!
I'm excited about moving and have finally hit the point that I'm so excited I just want to pack everything up! We still have 3 weeks to go. It's funny but I'm rather excited to have a tiny backyard! Out right now is too big. My kids take stuff out there, I can't see it and it gets left out there for months! We haven't been able to find Em's jacket for a week. We thought maybe she left it at school. Today she walked in hold it all covered in leaves and melted snow!
I can't help but wonder if feeling good today has to do with the fact that I forgot all three doses of Wellbutrin yesterday. This same thing happened 14 months ago with Celexa. I missed it one day and left better. I skipped it again the next day and continued to feel better off it. I can't remember if it was 2 or 4 days later, but I kept thinking how weird it was that I left better off it then on. Then in a matter of minutes I went from feeling 100% to 0%. So today as I was thinking about this I reminded myself that I needed to stay on Wellbutrin until I switch to something else. I see my doctor in a few days so we will discuss it then. At this point I'm wondering how I'll do back on Prozac. The only reason I had to go off was because it was messing with my cycles, which is no longer an issue!
So I've been going along all morning thinking, I'm doing so good today... Then I take Em to school and I realize my "I'm doing good" is probably someone else's struggling. Halfway to the school I realize Em didn't do her homework last night! Then as she was walking into her classroom Brax tells me, "Em's wearing pajama pants! ha ha ha." Me, "No she is n... oh my gosh she is!" At least they do not look like pajamas!
I got another good laugh after I picked Em up from school. We were on our way home and Em asked what was in a mug. It was one I put hot chocolate in last week when we went up the mountain. I told her, "Really old, nasty, moldy, hot chocolate." She didn't believe me, so I told her to try it. Em then says, "Here Brax you try!" and he did! Yeah I was right, there was old hot chocolate in it. I was laughing so hard! I'm surprised he didn't throw up, I was dry heaving just cleaning out the cup!
I actually felt like eating before 1 pm! I'm usually so nauseous that I have no desire to eat until I'm starving and force myself to eat something.
I also have felt motivated to get stuff done, which hasn't happened in easily a month! I checked to see if I had any orders I needed to get done, which I don't. This is the first time in 3 1/2 years I haven't had a single order! It's a nice break for once.
When I went to the kitchen to eat I decided to finally sweep the floors. I haven't cleaned any part of the house in probably a month. It's hard enough getting out of bed when the depression is bad. Cleaning the house is nearly impossible. As my food cooked I swept the laundry room, dinning room and kitchen. Just maybe throughout the day I'll clean some more.
The past week has been so bad that I've actually fallen behind on laundry which hasn't happened for 4 months! Goal of today is to now try to catch up!
I'm excited about moving and have finally hit the point that I'm so excited I just want to pack everything up! We still have 3 weeks to go. It's funny but I'm rather excited to have a tiny backyard! Out right now is too big. My kids take stuff out there, I can't see it and it gets left out there for months! We haven't been able to find Em's jacket for a week. We thought maybe she left it at school. Today she walked in hold it all covered in leaves and melted snow!
I can't help but wonder if feeling good today has to do with the fact that I forgot all three doses of Wellbutrin yesterday. This same thing happened 14 months ago with Celexa. I missed it one day and left better. I skipped it again the next day and continued to feel better off it. I can't remember if it was 2 or 4 days later, but I kept thinking how weird it was that I left better off it then on. Then in a matter of minutes I went from feeling 100% to 0%. So today as I was thinking about this I reminded myself that I needed to stay on Wellbutrin until I switch to something else. I see my doctor in a few days so we will discuss it then. At this point I'm wondering how I'll do back on Prozac. The only reason I had to go off was because it was messing with my cycles, which is no longer an issue!
So I've been going along all morning thinking, I'm doing so good today... Then I take Em to school and I realize my "I'm doing good" is probably someone else's struggling. Halfway to the school I realize Em didn't do her homework last night! Then as she was walking into her classroom Brax tells me, "Em's wearing pajama pants! ha ha ha." Me, "No she is n... oh my gosh she is!" At least they do not look like pajamas!
I got another good laugh after I picked Em up from school. We were on our way home and Em asked what was in a mug. It was one I put hot chocolate in last week when we went up the mountain. I told her, "Really old, nasty, moldy, hot chocolate." She didn't believe me, so I told her to try it. Em then says, "Here Brax you try!" and he did! Yeah I was right, there was old hot chocolate in it. I was laughing so hard! I'm surprised he didn't throw up, I was dry heaving just cleaning out the cup!
11/6/15
My anxiety has been crazy ever since Saturday. I've had 6 days to both look forward to and dread seeing Grace. I was dreading the fact that since I figured out my depression this time of year is triggered by my mom's death I was going to have to talk about it. Saying I hate talking about it is an understatement. At the same time I was anxious to get it out so I could deal with it.
It wasn't that hard for me to tell Grace that I pinpointed what was bringing on my depression. Explained what it was, that was the hard part. I sit here and say I'm so much more open then when I was seeing Joy, yet open for me is probably another person's closed up! I do eventually open up, it just takes a little time.
Even though I talked about my mom's death with James we mainly focused on my feelings after her death about the adoption.
I've known for years that I just numbed my feelings and emotions completely after her death. Growing up it was shameful simply to cry. After my Grandpa got home the day my mom died for 1 split second I found it okay to cry and feel sad. Today after relaying the story to Grace she asked how I was feeling right then, numb. I still do it! When those feelings and emotions get too strong I just numb them! The one emotion I remember, other than feeling sad for about 30 seconds, is numb.
It has been weird to think about being able to grieve. In my family you simply forget it ever happened, move on with your life and if it pops up again just shove it all down! Here I am 24 years later just now realized that I need to! Grieving is a negative thing in my family, you don't grieve you forget! One of my thoughts today was, "Really, so is not shameful to actually cry about it, or be sad, or let it actually make me sad each year? That is okay?"
Grieving her death seems so foreign to me. Yet, as I look back I see that grieving came naturally a few years ago. I wrote just the other day about our "baby", Payson. The entire grieving process just flowed naturally. I've even allowed myself to be sad, and cry and miss him over the years, even though he never really existed! With my mom is seems so weird. Where do I start? How do I do this?
Grace suggested doing something each year, either on her birthday or the day she died. Letting myself feel those emotions, which I have been fighting not to for way too many years! Back when I was seeing Joy I made a scrapbook of my mom. I rarely look at it is it still seems too hard most of the time. Now I have no clue what I should do or what I want to do...
As Grace was talking about doing something each year I all of a sudden remembered something from 4 years ago. It was my mom's birthday, Em was 1 1/2 at the time and I decided to do something for my mom's birthday. Em and I made cupcakes, one of the things I remember most about my mom was she loved baking cookies. I remember sitting on the floor stirring bowls of cookie dough. Anyways, I also sat down with Em and showed her the scrapbook of my mom. It has been the only time I've ever done something like that. What makes that so significant? I found out almost a year later that the same day that Em and I celebrated my mom's birthday little did I know, but my son was being born!
We got Brax on the 3rd and were told her had turned 1 on the 2nd. That night Brad was at work, the kids were asleep and I looked through all his info. I was completely shocked as I looked down and saw his birthday was not the 2nd, but the 13th, my mom's birthday! The second I saw that he was born on her birthday I knew without a doubt that we would end up adopting him. I also knew that I wanted to name him after her. Her name was Donlyn and we knew we wanted to incorporate Don into this little boy's name somehow. We discussed so many names, Camdon, Haydon, Paxdon... One night I mentioned this to my friend about how we were having a hard time coming up with our son's name. About 30 minutes later, out of the blue she says, "Braxton, but d-o-n!" Brad wasn't paying attention when I mentioned it to him right then, but the next day I mentioned it again and he loved it!
Another interesting Mom fact- I got endowed on her birthday. It was not planned at first, but just how it happened. Brad and I were getting married on the 14th, I figured I'd get endowed a week earlier. Well, my mother-in-law really wanted to be there and lived 300 miles away at the time. She asked if I could wait and get endowed on a day that she would be there, AKA the day before the wedding on the 13th!
Another interesting thing we discussed was how I'm a "high functioning depressive". I know at times I mask the depression, but I didn't realize how much I was. Even at my lowest lows I can pass as, and even convince myself I am, normal. Even in this deep, thick fog of depression it's so normal for me I hardly even think anyhing about it at this point.
After I got home I realized that I have been fighting this grieving process for nearly 24 years. Anytime those emotions try to come out I just push them back down. No wonder this deep depression keeps coming back year after year!
I am glad that Grace also brought up the fact that no matter the time of year, my depression is still there and I will still need to deal with that and stay on my medication.
This song, Just Let Me Cry, has been stuck in my head all day. Especially this part: "But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected And we're forced to face our deepest pain When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger" - and what I need to learn to do- "And there's nothing I can do but let it out"
It wasn't that hard for me to tell Grace that I pinpointed what was bringing on my depression. Explained what it was, that was the hard part. I sit here and say I'm so much more open then when I was seeing Joy, yet open for me is probably another person's closed up! I do eventually open up, it just takes a little time.
Even though I talked about my mom's death with James we mainly focused on my feelings after her death about the adoption.
I've known for years that I just numbed my feelings and emotions completely after her death. Growing up it was shameful simply to cry. After my Grandpa got home the day my mom died for 1 split second I found it okay to cry and feel sad. Today after relaying the story to Grace she asked how I was feeling right then, numb. I still do it! When those feelings and emotions get too strong I just numb them! The one emotion I remember, other than feeling sad for about 30 seconds, is numb.
It has been weird to think about being able to grieve. In my family you simply forget it ever happened, move on with your life and if it pops up again just shove it all down! Here I am 24 years later just now realized that I need to! Grieving is a negative thing in my family, you don't grieve you forget! One of my thoughts today was, "Really, so is not shameful to actually cry about it, or be sad, or let it actually make me sad each year? That is okay?"
Grieving her death seems so foreign to me. Yet, as I look back I see that grieving came naturally a few years ago. I wrote just the other day about our "baby", Payson. The entire grieving process just flowed naturally. I've even allowed myself to be sad, and cry and miss him over the years, even though he never really existed! With my mom is seems so weird. Where do I start? How do I do this?
Grace suggested doing something each year, either on her birthday or the day she died. Letting myself feel those emotions, which I have been fighting not to for way too many years! Back when I was seeing Joy I made a scrapbook of my mom. I rarely look at it is it still seems too hard most of the time. Now I have no clue what I should do or what I want to do...
As Grace was talking about doing something each year I all of a sudden remembered something from 4 years ago. It was my mom's birthday, Em was 1 1/2 at the time and I decided to do something for my mom's birthday. Em and I made cupcakes, one of the things I remember most about my mom was she loved baking cookies. I remember sitting on the floor stirring bowls of cookie dough. Anyways, I also sat down with Em and showed her the scrapbook of my mom. It has been the only time I've ever done something like that. What makes that so significant? I found out almost a year later that the same day that Em and I celebrated my mom's birthday little did I know, but my son was being born!
We got Brax on the 3rd and were told her had turned 1 on the 2nd. That night Brad was at work, the kids were asleep and I looked through all his info. I was completely shocked as I looked down and saw his birthday was not the 2nd, but the 13th, my mom's birthday! The second I saw that he was born on her birthday I knew without a doubt that we would end up adopting him. I also knew that I wanted to name him after her. Her name was Donlyn and we knew we wanted to incorporate Don into this little boy's name somehow. We discussed so many names, Camdon, Haydon, Paxdon... One night I mentioned this to my friend about how we were having a hard time coming up with our son's name. About 30 minutes later, out of the blue she says, "Braxton, but d-o-n!" Brad wasn't paying attention when I mentioned it to him right then, but the next day I mentioned it again and he loved it!
Another interesting thing we discussed was how I'm a "high functioning depressive". I know at times I mask the depression, but I didn't realize how much I was. Even at my lowest lows I can pass as, and even convince myself I am, normal. Even in this deep, thick fog of depression it's so normal for me I hardly even think anyhing about it at this point.
After I got home I realized that I have been fighting this grieving process for nearly 24 years. Anytime those emotions try to come out I just push them back down. No wonder this deep depression keeps coming back year after year!
I am glad that Grace also brought up the fact that no matter the time of year, my depression is still there and I will still need to deal with that and stay on my medication.
This song, Just Let Me Cry, has been stuck in my head all day. Especially this part: "But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected And we're forced to face our deepest pain When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger" - and what I need to learn to do- "And there's nothing I can do but let it out"
Thursday, November 5, 2015
11/5/15
I have my next appointment with Grace in 12 hours. Even though I realized what is triggering my depression this time of year almost a week ago I think it just now hit me. All I can think it, I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to go there. Can't I just ignore it? Please don't make me talk about it.
It doesn't help that today has been rough. I don't know if I just woke up in a bad mood or what. By lunchtime I was reaching my breaking point. I was able to take a step back and think, okay I'm spiraling down to rock bottom, what do I do? Grace and I talked about this last time that I needed to talk to someone when I hit this point. I don't have to talk about how I'm feeling or the depression, just simply talk to someone. I hate talking to people on the phone, I really do. So I texted Hayley. I wasn't sure if she would be at work or busy with her kids. I sent her a message and tried to go on with my day.
Everything seemed to be going wrong. The kids spent 3 hours asking me if they could have a cookie, each time I told them no. I needed to force some food into me, maybe I would feel better then. I burnt my lunch. Then when I re-did it I was too nauseous to eat it anyways. After I dropped Em of at school I couldn't help but think, "I can't do this." Finally I grabbed my phone again, this time I was going to actually call my mother-in-law. I looked at my phone to call her and noticed I had a text from Hayley. We texted back and forth throughout the afternoon. Just seeing that she had texted me back and then responding to her message distracted me from my "I can't do this" thoughts.
The time I was texting Hayley and the next few hours I was doing okay. Once I got Em from school I started sliding back down again. I have really struggled with my calling at church. I am a Cub Scout leader and for some reason I find it so overwhelming! My kids were yet again fighting and I was stressing about scouts. I was in my office putting an activity together when I looked down at the xacto knife in my hand and for a split second I thought "cut". I set it down and went to get my phone to call Brad. When I picked it up I noticed that Hayley had texted me about 30 minutes earlier. I got wrapped up in talking to her again and by the time we were done I felt fine again!
It doesn't help that today has been rough. I don't know if I just woke up in a bad mood or what. By lunchtime I was reaching my breaking point. I was able to take a step back and think, okay I'm spiraling down to rock bottom, what do I do? Grace and I talked about this last time that I needed to talk to someone when I hit this point. I don't have to talk about how I'm feeling or the depression, just simply talk to someone. I hate talking to people on the phone, I really do. So I texted Hayley. I wasn't sure if she would be at work or busy with her kids. I sent her a message and tried to go on with my day.
Everything seemed to be going wrong. The kids spent 3 hours asking me if they could have a cookie, each time I told them no. I needed to force some food into me, maybe I would feel better then. I burnt my lunch. Then when I re-did it I was too nauseous to eat it anyways. After I dropped Em of at school I couldn't help but think, "I can't do this." Finally I grabbed my phone again, this time I was going to actually call my mother-in-law. I looked at my phone to call her and noticed I had a text from Hayley. We texted back and forth throughout the afternoon. Just seeing that she had texted me back and then responding to her message distracted me from my "I can't do this" thoughts.
The time I was texting Hayley and the next few hours I was doing okay. Once I got Em from school I started sliding back down again. I have really struggled with my calling at church. I am a Cub Scout leader and for some reason I find it so overwhelming! My kids were yet again fighting and I was stressing about scouts. I was in my office putting an activity together when I looked down at the xacto knife in my hand and for a split second I thought "cut". I set it down and went to get my phone to call Brad. When I picked it up I noticed that Hayley had texted me about 30 minutes earlier. I got wrapped up in talking to her again and by the time we were done I felt fine again!
Monday, November 2, 2015
11/2/15
During a trip to my grandparents I had something for Hayley. Of course we are in town and they are out of town. She told me to drop it off at her parents house. A few of the items were a surprise for her dad, so I found an envelope and sealed everything in there. I made sure to write To Hayley From Dawn so they wouldn't open it. As I looked at the envelope it flashed me back to when we were 18.
The Envelope... I don't remember how it started but Hayley and I had this envelope that we sent back and forth to each other. I honestly can not remember what I ever sent her. I still have some of the things she sent me. The one thing I will never forget is the "heart attack". I posted about that here too.
And this post, here, about our Happy Nothing Day.
Looking back on my teenage years with Hayley I realized, our friendship and life as teenagers together was amazing! We never do anything illegal, we found pleasure having fun doing simple things! The friendship we had and the things we did helped counterbalance the struggles at home.
As we drove home I thought about some of the fun and crazy things we did.
I can't remember if someone told us about this or if we made it up, but one of my favorite things to was play "Kick Off". We would swing at the park, kick our shoes off to see who's went the farthest. Loser had to get the shoes.
The funniest thing I think we ever did- we dared our friend "Toby" to ask people (strangers) for a piece of gum. As we drove around he would ask people on the sidewalk when we stopped at a light. He had to of asked nearly 50 people, if not more. As we were starting to give up and on our way home someone finally gave him one! Maybe it is one of those things that you had to been there, but the way he asked and people's reactions were hysterical!
It amazes me how we have stayed close over the years, even through all the fights and arguments we had! For a while we didn't talk much just because we had 2 different lives. We lived 600 miles apart, I was married with a kid while she was single. Now we are both married with kids and live closer together then we have in 13 years! We see each other as often as we can and our husbands are also great friends.
Coincidentally we were driving home Hayley texted me saying they were going to be passing through our town on their way home around the same time we were going to be getting home!
The Envelope... I don't remember how it started but Hayley and I had this envelope that we sent back and forth to each other. I honestly can not remember what I ever sent her. I still have some of the things she sent me. The one thing I will never forget is the "heart attack". I posted about that here too.
And this post, here, about our Happy Nothing Day.
Looking back on my teenage years with Hayley I realized, our friendship and life as teenagers together was amazing! We never do anything illegal, we found pleasure having fun doing simple things! The friendship we had and the things we did helped counterbalance the struggles at home.
As we drove home I thought about some of the fun and crazy things we did.
I can't remember if someone told us about this or if we made it up, but one of my favorite things to was play "Kick Off". We would swing at the park, kick our shoes off to see who's went the farthest. Loser had to get the shoes.
The funniest thing I think we ever did- we dared our friend "Toby" to ask people (strangers) for a piece of gum. As we drove around he would ask people on the sidewalk when we stopped at a light. He had to of asked nearly 50 people, if not more. As we were starting to give up and on our way home someone finally gave him one! Maybe it is one of those things that you had to been there, but the way he asked and people's reactions were hysterical!
It amazes me how we have stayed close over the years, even through all the fights and arguments we had! For a while we didn't talk much just because we had 2 different lives. We lived 600 miles apart, I was married with a kid while she was single. Now we are both married with kids and live closer together then we have in 13 years! We see each other as often as we can and our husbands are also great friends.
Coincidentally we were driving home Hayley texted me saying they were going to be passing through our town on their way home around the same time we were going to be getting home!
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Dear Grandpa,
Dear Grandpa,
I feel like I have done this so many times. Every few years I find myself back in counseling and every single time you come up. The things you said to me over 15 years ago hurt me deeply that they still affect me today. How could you do that to your own child? I don't feel like a perfect parent, at times I don't even feel like a good parent, but I would never tell my children the things you told me.
Things you called me: so many swear words I'm not even going to list them all, worthless, unchristian, ungrateful, selfish, lazy, stuck up, brat, greedy, fat, was going to go to hell, I could never do anything good enough for you and constantly accused of taking drugs (cocaine).
It is sad that 10 years after I moved out of your house you were still scapegoating all your problems onto me. Why me? Why not someone else? Is it because of what I have done? The most painful thing you said to me was when you not once, but twice blamed me for being the reason you wouldn't get baptized. I'm not sure what that has been so painful to me, but it has. Even though you have been baptized now, that still hurts.
Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what you see when you look at me. Do you still view me as the person that ruined your family? Do you still think I'm evil? All I was doing was just trying to cope. It's ironic that the reason you thought I was evil was because I was trying to cope with the evil things you said to me. You couldn't look past my problem to see my pain and my hurt and a girl just trying to survive.
When mom first told me you were going to be getting endowed at first I was okay. I really was. Then, in her controlling tone, she told me I HAD to be there everything came crashing down. Ever since then every time I see you or think about you all I can see are the words, the names, the lies you told me. The ones that to this day I'm still trying to convince myself are not true.
I wish I can understand why you did what you did. Why you felt the need to tear me down so much that at times I didn't think I could keep going.
I don't like that fact that I have to hide the sexual abuse that happened to me from you. When I told mom she told me you can't know, you can't handle it. I am very open about everything I have been through throughout my life, so keeping this secret from you has been had. I wish you could know. Not that it would change anything or I want you to do something about it, simply because I just want you to know.
When you are sober I can actually see the dad I used to have. Back before the abuse started we were best friends. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me is remembering how things were. You never called me by my name, I was always Pal. I loved that. I was your Pal and you were mine. We spent to much time together. You were my favorite person to be around. Now your the person I resent the most. It breaks my heart to even think about the difference in you from the time I was 9 to when I was 19. You went from being this amazing, fun loving guy, who loved spending time with his family to this bitter, angry, raging alcoholic that is too busy working at the garden to spend time with his family.
From what I have read in my mom's journals it seemed to me that you were verbally abusive to her too. She talked about how you weren't there for you and you were hardly even a dad to her. Why do I feel like I'm the only one in the family that will admit 1) that you are abusive and 2) that you are an alcoholic. The more you drink, the nastier you get, but no one sees that besides me.
I feel:
Betrayed by who used to be my best friend
Hurt and angry at you for all the abuse
Unprotected and abandoned by my own parents
Alone in my feelings, like I can't be allowed to be un-happy about things (baptism and endowment) because everyone else is happy.
Sad that I can't have my old dad back
Mad that my privacy is constantly being violated. Even at 30, you feel the need to look through my stuff!
At times I try to remind myself that you must have been abused too. Not only have you been so verbally abusive, but your sister has too. It has taken me years to even talk to her again. It is sad to wonder how many generations the abuse has been going on for? It is sad that I know at least 1 of your 3 sons has continued to cycle of abuse. Even though you view it as this evil, horrible thing I have done, I for one an thankful I started cutting. That was my turning point. That was the reason Bishop M sent me to counseling and because of that I am where I am today. Even though at times I still feel hurt by what you did, at the same time I am almost grateful for it. I love the person I have become because of everything negative that has happened in my life.
When you got baptized, it was so hard for me. I wanted so bad to be able to forgive you. I felt like I needed to fully forgive you before I could accept you getting baptized. The day you were baptized I wasn't 100% there, I wasn't even close. But then, the second you went under the water a wave of forgiveness for you washed over me. Over the last few years I have allowed some of my old hurts to sneak back up on me. I have once again been struggling with the idea of you getting endowed, especially the thought of being in the prayer circle with you. For me I take church things very seriously. The church has been my rock over the years. The one stable thing in my life. The one thing that didn't hurt or betray me. So it has been really hard for me to even think about being in the prayer circle with you. I just couldn't do it.
Tonight as I was writing how grateful I am for the abuse and how it made me who I am today, I couldn't help but let go of a lot of my negative feelings for you. Yes, what you did hurt me deeply, but because of it I am who I am today. I love the person I've become. I can't stop saying it, and laughing at the irony, I love the person I am today because of the abuse, so for that I am grateful that you did and said everything you did. I can't stop laughing and smiling about the fact that I am grateful you abused me. I finally feel ready to let go of the hurt I've been holding on to!
I feel like I have done this so many times. Every few years I find myself back in counseling and every single time you come up. The things you said to me over 15 years ago hurt me deeply that they still affect me today. How could you do that to your own child? I don't feel like a perfect parent, at times I don't even feel like a good parent, but I would never tell my children the things you told me.
Things you called me: so many swear words I'm not even going to list them all, worthless, unchristian, ungrateful, selfish, lazy, stuck up, brat, greedy, fat, was going to go to hell, I could never do anything good enough for you and constantly accused of taking drugs (cocaine).
It is sad that 10 years after I moved out of your house you were still scapegoating all your problems onto me. Why me? Why not someone else? Is it because of what I have done? The most painful thing you said to me was when you not once, but twice blamed me for being the reason you wouldn't get baptized. I'm not sure what that has been so painful to me, but it has. Even though you have been baptized now, that still hurts.
Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what you see when you look at me. Do you still view me as the person that ruined your family? Do you still think I'm evil? All I was doing was just trying to cope. It's ironic that the reason you thought I was evil was because I was trying to cope with the evil things you said to me. You couldn't look past my problem to see my pain and my hurt and a girl just trying to survive.
When mom first told me you were going to be getting endowed at first I was okay. I really was. Then, in her controlling tone, she told me I HAD to be there everything came crashing down. Ever since then every time I see you or think about you all I can see are the words, the names, the lies you told me. The ones that to this day I'm still trying to convince myself are not true.
I wish I can understand why you did what you did. Why you felt the need to tear me down so much that at times I didn't think I could keep going.
I don't like that fact that I have to hide the sexual abuse that happened to me from you. When I told mom she told me you can't know, you can't handle it. I am very open about everything I have been through throughout my life, so keeping this secret from you has been had. I wish you could know. Not that it would change anything or I want you to do something about it, simply because I just want you to know.
When you are sober I can actually see the dad I used to have. Back before the abuse started we were best friends. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me is remembering how things were. You never called me by my name, I was always Pal. I loved that. I was your Pal and you were mine. We spent to much time together. You were my favorite person to be around. Now your the person I resent the most. It breaks my heart to even think about the difference in you from the time I was 9 to when I was 19. You went from being this amazing, fun loving guy, who loved spending time with his family to this bitter, angry, raging alcoholic that is too busy working at the garden to spend time with his family.
From what I have read in my mom's journals it seemed to me that you were verbally abusive to her too. She talked about how you weren't there for you and you were hardly even a dad to her. Why do I feel like I'm the only one in the family that will admit 1) that you are abusive and 2) that you are an alcoholic. The more you drink, the nastier you get, but no one sees that besides me.
I feel:
Betrayed by who used to be my best friend
Hurt and angry at you for all the abuse
Unprotected and abandoned by my own parents
Alone in my feelings, like I can't be allowed to be un-happy about things (baptism and endowment) because everyone else is happy.
Sad that I can't have my old dad back
Mad that my privacy is constantly being violated. Even at 30, you feel the need to look through my stuff!
At times I try to remind myself that you must have been abused too. Not only have you been so verbally abusive, but your sister has too. It has taken me years to even talk to her again. It is sad to wonder how many generations the abuse has been going on for? It is sad that I know at least 1 of your 3 sons has continued to cycle of abuse. Even though you view it as this evil, horrible thing I have done, I for one an thankful I started cutting. That was my turning point. That was the reason Bishop M sent me to counseling and because of that I am where I am today. Even though at times I still feel hurt by what you did, at the same time I am almost grateful for it. I love the person I have become because of everything negative that has happened in my life.
When you got baptized, it was so hard for me. I wanted so bad to be able to forgive you. I felt like I needed to fully forgive you before I could accept you getting baptized. The day you were baptized I wasn't 100% there, I wasn't even close. But then, the second you went under the water a wave of forgiveness for you washed over me. Over the last few years I have allowed some of my old hurts to sneak back up on me. I have once again been struggling with the idea of you getting endowed, especially the thought of being in the prayer circle with you. For me I take church things very seriously. The church has been my rock over the years. The one stable thing in my life. The one thing that didn't hurt or betray me. So it has been really hard for me to even think about being in the prayer circle with you. I just couldn't do it.
Tonight as I was writing how grateful I am for the abuse and how it made me who I am today, I couldn't help but let go of a lot of my negative feelings for you. Yes, what you did hurt me deeply, but because of it I am who I am today. I love the person I've become. I can't stop saying it, and laughing at the irony, I love the person I am today because of the abuse, so for that I am grateful that you did and said everything you did. I can't stop laughing and smiling about the fact that I am grateful you abused me. I finally feel ready to let go of the hurt I've been holding on to!
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