7/22/15

The main reason I want to switch NOW is I need serious counsel of how to handle Grandpa getting endowed. I got back and forth about it so much. One day I'm fine with it, then the next day I'm a mess about it! I got to a point where I was okay. I kept reminding myself that if I don't want to be in the circle, I don't have to be, my family can NOT force me to be in it. And then I thought, "WHAT IF they ask me, right there in the temple, WHY I wasn't in the circle?!?!?!" What would I say? Do I tell them the truth? Do I lie inside the temple?

I keep wondering, Have I really, deep down forgiven him? If I have then why am I feeling this way about him getting endowed. If I have forgiven him then shouldn't I be okay with it? Why am I not? Why am I completely freaking out about this?

I feel like I am a bad person for feeling the way I do. Every time I think about being in the circle with him, the first thing that pops into my mind is, "I can not being in that circle with the person who nearly destroyed my life!" See, thoughts like that make me think I have not forgiven him. I want to, I wish I could just snap my fingers and forgive him. Just forget the abuse ever happened and move on with my life.

It was easier for me to feel like I had forgiven him when he seemed like he had changed. There were times right before and after he was baptized that he was different. He was nicer. But over time I have noticed that he has gone back to his old ways. He isn't as nice anymore. I feel like my feelings back slid with his behavior. When he is nicer and not drinking, it is easy for me to forget about the past. When I looked at him, I saw a new future for us! When he is back to being a jerk and drinking even though no one believes he is, all I see is the abuse.

I could be way wrong with the drinking. For all I know maybe he isn't. I have noticed several things:
When he has been sober I do NOT smell alcohol on his breath.
He is nicer, happier, bubbly person.
He drinks things like Pepsi.

When I have suspected he has been drinking, he smells like alcohol to me.
He is grumpy and stumbles around like he is drunk. Mom pointed it out to me and then claimed, he must not feel good.
He doesn't drink anything. We were visiting for 3 days and I did not see him drink a single thing the whole time!

I talked to Brad about what I would say if people ask why I wasn't in the circle. Do I lie, do I tell the truth?!?! He is so perfect with the way he says things, I'm more like the blubbering idiot! He suggested wording it like, I have mixed feelings about things, so I didn't feel it appropriate for me to be in it and if they wanted more details I will gladly tell them somewhere other than inside the temple!