7/22/15

I haven't officially stopped seeing Joy, but I most likely will. I wanted it to work so bad! It just wasn't. It was too hard with how far she is from me. I was kind of crazy to begin with insisting I HAD to see her. I think for me, it was a good starting place. I started with someone familiar. I was able to open up to her about the depression and start on that road. Now that I am on it, it is time to break out of my comfort zone and see about trusting someone else. I'm so nervous about calling LDSFS. I haven't worked with them in 7 years. I'm freaking out about seeing Carol and her being in my ward. I feel like every time I see her in church she will be judging me. I know, crazy! My husband keeps laughing at my crazy irrational thoughts and tells me, "She's a professional. That is NOT going to happen!"

This morning was rough. I never remember to take my medication first thing in the morning. Thankfully for my med reminder app. Unfortunately, we at the movies when it went off and I had 2 + hours until I would be home. I got these summer movie passes for me and the kids. We got them last summer and had a lot of fun... This summer I have been dreading it! Seriously the only thing my kids care about is snacks and drinks. Last week Brax told me he was bored and wanted to go home! We left early because if he didn't want to be there then I was done too! Plus we had the movie on our DVR at home! Anyways, we left the movie theater and I was already a little on edge. I volunteered (no clue WHY) to bring my husband and 3 of his co-workers sodas. I of course wanted to get one for myself. So I took my 2 little kids into the convenient store with me, which  is one of my least favorite things to do! If you don't have little ones, imagine 2 kids running around, while you are trying to fill a fountain soda, grabbing things and asking "Can I get this", you, "No, I already told you I'm not buying any treats." 2 seconds later, "Can I get this." Uggg. Anyways, I bribed them that if they were good and helped me carry all the sodas I would get them one to share, I actually got it for the 3 of us to share, but they didn't know that. I managed to carry all the sodas (5 of them) to the counter to pay. I had 4 of them in a carrier thing and Em had 1, ours. We took 2 steps outside and Em tripped and spilled our whole soda! The tray I was carrying the other 4 sodas in was not sturdy at all and I was sure I was about to drop them all at any moment. I asked Brax to open my door so I could set the sodas down... Yeah, being the nice 4-year-old that he is, he opened his door and climbed in. At this point I am fuming! I set the sodas down on the ground so I can open the door and set them down. At this point I was 2 hours late for my medication and it was obvious! I was so irrationally mad!

Later I was stressing way too much about talking to Joy about me switching to someone else. I felt horrible because it wasn't anything personal, just the distance wasn't working.

I have also thought a lot about how I would describe my depression to a new counselor.

Depressed:

• No patience with my children. Or my husband.
• I am grumpy and moody
• Completely irrational
• Blow everything way out of proportions
• Every little thing makes me mad
• no energy at all, never want to do anything
• a lot of numb, empty feelings
• get overwhelmed very easily
• Never felt good enough

On Medication:

• I am patient
• I am happier, calmer and easy going
• Have rational thoughts and can tell when things are irrational
• more energy and easily motivated to get things done. (I do have my lazy moments)
• still get overwhelmed, but not as easily

Even with medication:

• My body just wants to sleep ALL the time. Once I fall asleep I can easily just sleep for 12 hours straight. I do force myself to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. I got to bed between 12 and 1 and get up between 8 and 9. It is still a major struggle. 
• I isolate myself from others. I hate interacting with other people. Maybe I'm just anti-social? In Relief Society I am perfectly happy to sit in the back of the room, no one near me and no one acknowledging I am there. At the same time, isolating myself also makes me feel sad and lonely, like no one likes me. Even with my job, I prefer to be 100% alone.