7/30/15

I'm still trying to find/ decide on a new counselor. I feel apprehensive about going through LDS Family Services. I have gone through them three now and you never know which counselor you will end up with. That is what makes me so nervous about going through them. In going through a private agency, like when I went back to seeing Joy, I knew that if I made an appointment with Joy she is who I would be seeing. One of the reasons why I'm leaning towards someone I have heard of, Lydia, that has her own practice. I feel torn, do I take a chance of getting Carol and go through LDSFS or go straight to someone I don't know, but know I will be seeing her! 

I've been struggling with my weight lately... I've always been on petite end, being only 5' tall I'm rather small. Up until this year it has been rather easy for me to lose weight if I wanted. All I had to do was work out a little bit and it would almost fall off. The most I've wanted/ needed to lose has been 15ish pounds. Also, my weight has always been a yo-yo, up 5, down 6, up 7, down 4.... 

When I started Prozac my pharmacist told me that it may cause weight gain, which never happened. He said it once again when I switched to Wellbutrin. I blew it off thinking, yeah I've heard that before, ain't gonna happen. 2 months later my weight just kept going up and up no matter what I'd do! It was so frustrating. Finally I put the 2 and 2 together and figured it was the Wellbutrin. I cut out all soda, eat healthier food, cut back on proportions and exercised more... Guess what happened? I GAINED more weight!!!! As I stood in my doctors off looking at the scale I wanted to burst into tears. I have never in my life weighed this much. I've been trying ever harder lately just to see more yo-yo action going on. Within a week I went down 5, up 6, down 3, up 3.... It is so frustrating!!! 

7/27/15

Last week I was feel torn on whether or not to keep seeing Joy and try to make it work even though she is too far away. When I found out that Carol was exactly who I was looking for counselor wise I thought that was my answer. Then LDSFS told me I can't see someone who is in my ward, yet I still feel drawn to Carol. WHY? We talked for a minute on Sunday. I got the feeling she wanted to ask about the counseling situation, but we were in the hall with a lot of people around. One of my thoughts though is, even if I can see Carol, I have to first talk to my bishop. We will be out of town next weekend so the soonest I can talk to him is 2 weeks from now, then several days/ weeks until I would get in to see whoever they place me with.

Then there is Lydia. I have heard nothing but great things about her. I'm not sure when I would be able to get in to see her, possibly before I would be able to see someone at LDSFS. I don't know her and that scares me. Starting with someone new is making me SO apprehensive! Even though I don't know Carol really well, I know I'm already comfortable talking to her!

Am I putting way too much into this?!?!?
Why do I still feel drawn to Carol?!?!

It doesn't help that since I still feel like Carol is who I am supposed to see, I'm having an even harder time convincing myself that most likely seeing Lydia will be just fine!

7/22/15

The main reason I want to switch NOW is I need serious counsel of how to handle Grandpa getting endowed. I got back and forth about it so much. One day I'm fine with it, then the next day I'm a mess about it! I got to a point where I was okay. I kept reminding myself that if I don't want to be in the circle, I don't have to be, my family can NOT force me to be in it. And then I thought, "WHAT IF they ask me, right there in the temple, WHY I wasn't in the circle?!?!?!" What would I say? Do I tell them the truth? Do I lie inside the temple?

I keep wondering, Have I really, deep down forgiven him? If I have then why am I feeling this way about him getting endowed. If I have forgiven him then shouldn't I be okay with it? Why am I not? Why am I completely freaking out about this?

I feel like I am a bad person for feeling the way I do. Every time I think about being in the circle with him, the first thing that pops into my mind is, "I can not being in that circle with the person who nearly destroyed my life!" See, thoughts like that make me think I have not forgiven him. I want to, I wish I could just snap my fingers and forgive him. Just forget the abuse ever happened and move on with my life.

It was easier for me to feel like I had forgiven him when he seemed like he had changed. There were times right before and after he was baptized that he was different. He was nicer. But over time I have noticed that he has gone back to his old ways. He isn't as nice anymore. I feel like my feelings back slid with his behavior. When he is nicer and not drinking, it is easy for me to forget about the past. When I looked at him, I saw a new future for us! When he is back to being a jerk and drinking even though no one believes he is, all I see is the abuse.

I could be way wrong with the drinking. For all I know maybe he isn't. I have noticed several things:
When he has been sober I do NOT smell alcohol on his breath.
He is nicer, happier, bubbly person.
He drinks things like Pepsi.

When I have suspected he has been drinking, he smells like alcohol to me.
He is grumpy and stumbles around like he is drunk. Mom pointed it out to me and then claimed, he must not feel good.
He doesn't drink anything. We were visiting for 3 days and I did not see him drink a single thing the whole time!

I talked to Brad about what I would say if people ask why I wasn't in the circle. Do I lie, do I tell the truth?!?! He is so perfect with the way he says things, I'm more like the blubbering idiot! He suggested wording it like, I have mixed feelings about things, so I didn't feel it appropriate for me to be in it and if they wanted more details I will gladly tell them somewhere other than inside the temple!

7/22/15

I'm pacing the halls of my house tonight feeling so anxious about several different things.

There is a lady I have known since 2007, I call her Carol. I met Carol when we were doing foster care. Long story short, a few months ago I overheard Carol talking to someone in my ward she said mentioned that she also works at LDS Family Services. Because of her position with foster care I assumed she must specialize in children. Yet, I kept having these feeling that I should just ask her what she specializes in, but I didn't.

Well, recently Carol moved into my ward. One Sunday I was sitting in front of her as Relief Society was about to start. I turned around and talked to her for a second and then asked her if she was still working at LDS Family Services, which she is. I asked her what she specializes in, she told me depression and anxiety. I told her how I just happened to be seeing someone for depression, but I was looking to switch to someone local. I finally came around on the idea about maybe going through LDS Family Services here once again.

Sunday I was rather excited to make the switch from Joy to someone local. If it was easier, closer, or cheaper to see Joy all the time I would! Unfortunately, it isn't working. I felt comfortable with the idea of Carol being my new counselor... Then I started stressing about it.

WHAT IF I go through LDSFS again, I don't end up with Carol and I have another Aaron experience?!?!

See I over analyze way too much!

I expressed these anxieties to Brad, who of course reminded me it was normal to feel anxious about switching.

7/22/15

I haven't officially stopped seeing Joy, but I most likely will. I wanted it to work so bad! It just wasn't. It was too hard with how far she is from me. I was kind of crazy to begin with insisting I HAD to see her. I think for me, it was a good starting place. I started with someone familiar. I was able to open up to her about the depression and start on that road. Now that I am on it, it is time to break out of my comfort zone and see about trusting someone else. I'm so nervous about calling LDSFS. I haven't worked with them in 7 years. I'm freaking out about seeing Carol and her being in my ward. I feel like every time I see her in church she will be judging me. I know, crazy! My husband keeps laughing at my crazy irrational thoughts and tells me, "She's a professional. That is NOT going to happen!"

This morning was rough. I never remember to take my medication first thing in the morning. Thankfully for my med reminder app. Unfortunately, we at the movies when it went off and I had 2 + hours until I would be home. I got these summer movie passes for me and the kids. We got them last summer and had a lot of fun... This summer I have been dreading it! Seriously the only thing my kids care about is snacks and drinks. Last week Brax told me he was bored and wanted to go home! We left early because if he didn't want to be there then I was done too! Plus we had the movie on our DVR at home! Anyways, we left the movie theater and I was already a little on edge. I volunteered (no clue WHY) to bring my husband and 3 of his co-workers sodas. I of course wanted to get one for myself. So I took my 2 little kids into the convenient store with me, which  is one of my least favorite things to do! If you don't have little ones, imagine 2 kids running around, while you are trying to fill a fountain soda, grabbing things and asking "Can I get this", you, "No, I already told you I'm not buying any treats." 2 seconds later, "Can I get this." Uggg. Anyways, I bribed them that if they were good and helped me carry all the sodas I would get them one to share, I actually got it for the 3 of us to share, but they didn't know that. I managed to carry all the sodas (5 of them) to the counter to pay. I had 4 of them in a carrier thing and Em had 1, ours. We took 2 steps outside and Em tripped and spilled our whole soda! The tray I was carrying the other 4 sodas in was not sturdy at all and I was sure I was about to drop them all at any moment. I asked Brax to open my door so I could set the sodas down... Yeah, being the nice 4-year-old that he is, he opened his door and climbed in. At this point I am fuming! I set the sodas down on the ground so I can open the door and set them down. At this point I was 2 hours late for my medication and it was obvious! I was so irrationally mad!

Later I was stressing way too much about talking to Joy about me switching to someone else. I felt horrible because it wasn't anything personal, just the distance wasn't working.

I have also thought a lot about how I would describe my depression to a new counselor.

Depressed:

• No patience with my children. Or my husband.
• I am grumpy and moody
• Completely irrational
• Blow everything way out of proportions
• Every little thing makes me mad
• no energy at all, never want to do anything
• a lot of numb, empty feelings
• get overwhelmed very easily
• Never felt good enough

On Medication:

• I am patient
• I am happier, calmer and easy going
• Have rational thoughts and can tell when things are irrational
• more energy and easily motivated to get things done. (I do have my lazy moments)
• still get overwhelmed, but not as easily

Even with medication:

• My body just wants to sleep ALL the time. Once I fall asleep I can easily just sleep for 12 hours straight. I do force myself to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. I got to bed between 12 and 1 and get up between 8 and 9. It is still a major struggle. 
• I isolate myself from others. I hate interacting with other people. Maybe I'm just anti-social? In Relief Society I am perfectly happy to sit in the back of the room, no one near me and no one acknowledging I am there. At the same time, isolating myself also makes me feel sad and lonely, like no one likes me. Even with my job, I prefer to be 100% alone. 

7/14/15

My brother and sister-in-law came to visit today. When Brad told me that they were on their way over I wanted to talk to my sister-in-law, I'll call her Alice, about what was going on with my Grandpa and him getting endowed. I just love talking to Alice, I could talk to her for hours and not run out of things to talk about. We have so much in common! We are the shortest 2 members of the family (I', only 5' and she is shorter then me!), we both only have 2 kids, and mostly, we have similar pasts (parents are divorced and dad has left the church). We can almost always relate to each other. She is one of two members of the family I know I can talk to about stuff like this and she will understand (we have another sister-in-law with similar past to ours!). Needless to say I was excited that she was coming over.

We had all been talking for a while and our husband had just gone outside and my kids were busy playing in their room and I knew it was the right time to bring it up. The conversation went just as I had thought, she was understanding, could relate, and had GREAT advice! In fact she mentioned me talking to my bishop and getting counsel from him to prepare for this. I told her that I just happened to be in counseling! I haven't talked to Joy about this yet. I don't even have an appointment with Joy, so I'm not sure when I'm going to see her next.

After the initial shock about finding out Dad would be getting endowed, and then falling about it, by the next day my feelings were that I was okay with it. It's going to happened whither  I want it to or not. There is nothing I can do to stop it. Plus, in the end, it is his agency and his own eternal consequences for his actions. I have really been fine with it all... and then Alice brought up the C word...

The word I have been avoiding. If I pretend it doesn't exist then I don't have to face it or deal with it, right? Alice asked how I was going to handle "The Circle", I once again fell apart. HOW on earth can I do it?!?!? If you are LDS and endowed then you know what I am referring to. If you have no clue when I am talking about, there is this description (here).

Now I don't HAVE to participate, but my family will expect me to. I thought about talking to Grandma about it. The only problem is, I never know which mom I'm going to get. You see, she has 2 extremes- she admits he is abusive, is sympathetic to me for what he has done, and we can talk  openly and honestly about anything that has to do with him. I havn't seen that side of her since before he was baptized. The side I have seen for the past 2 years is her defending him, her justifying his actions and so on. I know if I approach her about it, she will defend him and probably tell me to "get over it!" She told me that just the other day about some dumb thing that happened 13 years ago and I really don't even care about anymore, shoot I'm pretty sure I didn't care about it 12 hours later. Yeah, talking to her isn't an option.

In writing all this down I have shed a lot of tears. I have thought a lot about it all and how things might play out. I paced up and down the hall while everyone else in my family is sound asleep wondering how on earth I was going to handle this and deal with it.

As I was sitting on the couch stewing over this, a peace came to me. A reassuring thought came that  my family can not force me to be a part of this. I will be there in the temple with them and that is good enough. I also know that I can not be a part of the circle feeling the way I do about Grandpa. Yes, I have forgiven him. But, that doesn't change the fact that I still think he is a jerk. He still verbally abuses his wife, he still is as controlling as ever, and for those reason I don't like him. If he truly changes his way, I could find it in my heart to think he was a good man.

Honestly, do I think he will 100% change before, or after, he gets endowed, no. I'm not saying it to be mean. I have seen him and have known him my whole life. He always said he wanted to get baptized on his deathbed because then he wouldn't have to actually follow any of the commandments. Now in his 80's he is going through the motions. He got baptized, for whatever reason he had, but he didn't change his ways. Maybe the temple will change him. I doubt it will though. Maybe after making that big of a commitment he will be completely committed. Maybe. If he did I would be happy for him. At the same time, I doubt anything will change the habits he's had for the past 80 years. I'm okay with that.

It has take me a long time to get to this place. 12 years ago I hated him. I hated him for what he did to me. How he cut me down, abused me and belittled me to the point that I was this broken shell of a person, I hardly even functioned. 12 years, it has taken me 12 years to get to this point. The road to this healing started when I opened up to Sister Parker, who encouraged me to talk to my bishop, who recommended counseling and I met Joy. There has been a LOT of ups and downs. Both good and bad and great experiences with counseling. Times when I thought, I could never forgive him, and then I did. Times that I thought, I can't deal with that, and I did. Now I know that no matter what happens in the next few months, I'll be able to handle that too.

7/12/15

I've seen Joy 3 times now. Each time the topic of my bishop helping with paying had come up.  Each time I have told her that we are just paying for it and I  didn't want to involve my bishop. 

I was being rather stubborn about it.  For the last 3 1/2 years I've been happy with the fact for the first time ever (okay, since I was 18) my Bishop doesn't know my whole life story and dealing with counseling. So having to go to him meant that he WOULD know and I really really really didn't want to change that. Not that I'm secretive about my past, I just didn't want to give my life story yet again. 

My husband and I counted and Bishop D will be the 8th bishop I've had while in counseling. That just seems crazy! The first time I saw Joy I changed wards and then the bishoprick got changed, so there was 3 within just 10 months (Bishop M, Bishop W and Bishop C). We moved and I started seeing Aaron with Bishop R. We moved yet again and I started seeing James (the first time) with Bishop G. And we moved again (Yes, we have moved a LOT) and I started seeing James the second time with Bishop E. I think my experiences with both Bishop E and Bishop S made me the most nervous about talking to Bishop D. Every time I had talked to both those Bishops I was alone, my husband was at work. Which I hated! 

This time my husband was with me. We went up to Bishop D after sacrament and asked when we could talk to him for a few minutes, right then worked so we headed to his office. We chit-chatted for a minute and then he asked what we wanted to talk about. Brad looked at me, I looked back to him with terror and dread in my eyes and he asked, "Want me to just say it?" "Yes please!". So my husband explained it all very well and didn't dip into my past other then I saw Joy in counseling in Vegas so she was who I wanted to see again. Bishop D said he didn't care who I was seeing or how far away they were, he was willing to help pay half. One thing I liked about talking with Bishop D was he seemed to really care. After my last two bishops I was scared to death I was going to have a repeat. He asked if we knew what my depression stemmed from a hormonal imbalance. We told him how I was seeing Dr. P (who is in our Stake Presidency) and that I was on medication and how well it was working. Bishop D asked a few different time, in a very nice not-prying way, if I had unresolved issues from the past that was contributing to my depression. I vaguely told him that I have beeing in and out of counseling for the past 12 years and I've dealt with all of that.

All in all it was a very good experience, which I think I needed. After the past 2 bishops I was (extremely!) hesitant to ever talk to another bishop again about any problems or counseling!  So thanks you Bishop D for being calm, understanding, caring, non-judgemental, and not rude or negative in any way! 

7/11/15

I feel like I had a bomb dropped on me this weekend... Grandpa is getting endowed.

At first I was okay with it. Alright, whatever is gonna happen let it happen. Then a conversation send me into a whirlwind. We are coming to town on October 3rd for a hockey game. I am so excited about this hockey game. Grandma said Grandpa was going to be endowed that weekend. Okay. I assumed Saturday. Then she told me Friday. Me, "Well if it's on Friday Brad will have to take the day off of work to make sure we're here!" I thought, maybe this is my way out of it and added, "don't worry about us making it. I don't want him to take a day off work. If we can't make it oh well!". Grandma told me I HAD to be there. That's when my emotions started pouring out. I left the room to be alone. No matter how hard I tried I could not stop crying. The words he called me kept swirling through my mind, "worthless, dumb, fat, ugly, b****, evil", that guy is going through the temple?!? Really!?!?!? I accepted his baptism. I never did allow myself to think about him going through the temple. Honestly, I never thought it would happen in this life. Even if I thought it might happen I was not expecting these emotions! 

Brad came into our room and I told him, "I know I'm being ridiculous. I shouldn't be upset, or mad or feeling hurt." Brad, who compliments me perfectly said, "You're fine. Just let yourself feel whatever emotions come and don't feel like you need to bury them." 

I finally pulled myself together and went back out to eat lunch. I walked into the kitchen and mom was putting together a meatball sub. Normally I love them... As I walked over to make one, mom handed the one she made to me and said she was going to eat later. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I took it and sat down. Maybe I'm just way too picky, but I like my meatball subs with just a few meatballs, lots of sauce and no cheese. I sat there staring at it for a minute, lots of meatballs, a little sauce and lots of cheese! Yuck. I took a bit or two, but didn't like the cheese. I was already mad, now this really pissed me off. I open it up and scrapped all the cheese off. I went over to the sink to wash my hand and Brad asked what the heck I was doing. The only words I could muster out was, "just let me be mad!". I went to the family room where no one could see me crying (again). Brad came in and looking kind of confused. I told him, "Growing up I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I couldn't have food I liked and had to eat food I disliked, I had to like whatever they told me I was to like. Now I'm a grown up and I'm being forced to eat something I don't like yet again, just because they said so!" It was like they rubbed salt in my open wound, one that was already hurting a lot. I'm sure I've already said this before, but it's the best example I have of how little my opinion mattered. It was my 18th or 19th birthday and my parents asked me where I wanted to go for dinner. It was tradition that you got to pick where or what to eat on your birthday. I told Grandpa PF Changs. His response, "No you don't. You want Olive Garden!". We did end up going to PF Changs, but I had to convince Grandpa that it was in fact where I wanted to go on my birthday! 

After lunch I started feeling better about the whole situation. I know that whatever he does or doesn't do is his own eternal problem. I can't even explain WHY I feel so hurt or upset about him going through the temple. I just do. 

I try not to be judgemental  of him, but I can't help but notice things. Even Hayley asked me a while ago if I think Grandpa still drinks, yes, yes I do! Saturday night at dinner Grandma asked me, "Do you see that?" Me, "no, what?" "Grandpa is stumbling around. He can't seem to walk straight. He could barely get out of the car." I didn't want to say it but I was thinking it, he is drunk! Grandma excused it saying, he must not feel good. I can't remember if it was before or after that when I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath. I told Brad on our way home about a pattern I have noticed. When I have felt like he is in fact sober, he is happier, nicer, and I will see him drink things like water and soda. Every time I think, just maybe, he has been drinking I can smell alcohol, he is grumpier than usual and I never see him drink anything whatsoever! Weird right? 

I know it is not my problem. I keep reminding myself about that. Now, not to sound mean, but one of the things that helped me accept his baptism was realizing that if he continued to do what he was doing, he will be worse off once baptized then if not in the eternal end. Now, nothing in his life has changed in the past two years. He still only goes to Sacrament meeting, he shops on Sunday, he is still verbally abusive and probably still drinks. Now he is going to get endowed and you know none of his habits or behaviors are going to change, not even then. Now he will be ever more worse off in the end! It has been hard for me over the years because everyone views him as this wonderful and perfect guy. Brad and I both thought that people in his ward/ stake overlooked things just to get him baptized. Now they are doing the same thing with him getting endowed. I joked with Brad that his bishop would baptize him with alcohol in his hand! Now we are joking that they will let him go through the temple with alcohol in his hand! 

I know I'm not the one to judge him. He isn't perfect, but neither am I. 

I told Brad it's a good thing I'm already seeing Joy, because when he announced he was getting baptized I thought for sure I was going to end up back in James's office from all my crazy emotions going up and down! Brad jokingly asked me what I would do if he had to work and he couldn't be there in the temple with me. I told him, "I will pay Joy to go with me!!!" He laughed and said, "How funny would that be when your family asks who it is, 'oh this is my therapist because I can't handle all of this!'".   

I know in the end whatever happens, happens! I'm sure I will come to accept it like I did his baptism. I'm just not looking forward to the next 3 months and the emotional roller coaster I know it will be. I'm glad Brad has been so understand and there for me and I'm so glad that I happened to already be in counseling! If it hadn't been Sunday when my emotions started going crazy I would have texted Joy! The day before I found out I was thinking that the next thing I should talk to Joy about was my anxiety about ever being late. Yeah, I think we have deeper stuff to work on now. Wish me luck! 

7/1/15

I HATE cleaning, but I LOVE how clean my house is right now.

Today is cleaning day and I decided to tackle the floors. Majority of our house is either hardwood/ linoleum. The only rooms with carpet are the living room and the bedrooms. Vacuuming isn't so hard... sweeping and mopping on the other hand, uggg. It took me almost 2 hours and my hands are blistered. For now I'm taking a break.

I have found that since seeing Joy and going on Wellbutrin I'm a lot more rational, especially with my kids! Before I felt like all I would do was point out what they did wrong. Em always dresses herself and 9 times out of 10 her outfit doesn't match or she will put on all the same color (pink shirt with the same shade of pink leggings). Before I would tell her to go change, she wouldn't want to and an argument would ensue. Now, I'm trying to accept that she has her own sense of style and what she wants to wear. Yesterday she came out with all pink on. I told her, "Thank you for getting dressed all by your self. That's a cute outfit, but it might look better if you put on different colored pants." She ended up changing her outfit like 3 times, I can't even remember what she wore majority of the day. Today she came out and asked me to help her get dressed. She handed me the outfit and I told her, "Pink leggings would look better with this." She told me she wanted to put on the purple. I told her Okay and helped her get dressed. Before I would get so uptight about her outfit matching and looking perfect. We would go places and I would see these little girls in adorable outfits and their hair all done and I would be so jealous. My daughter always insists on wearing mismatched clothes and never lets me do her hair. Now it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm letting her be who she wants to be. Don't get me wrong, I don't let her leave the house with food all over her face and her hair looking like it's never been brushed. I have found a healthy balance.The more rational and calm and firm I have been with them the better behaved they are.

As I was cleaning I had a sink full of nasty mop water (yes I emptied it and filled it with clean water like every 3 minutes). Anyways, my son walked over and put his bowl in the sink of mop water. My first response, "Son, you just put your bowl in nasty, dirty mop water!" Rationality kicked in and I thought "How on earth would he know there was dirty water in there." I took a deep breath and then said, "Thank you for putting your bowl in the sink! I didn't even have to ask you to!"

Okay, enough rambling, back to cleaning!