I was 16 and life was miserable. I hated my life. I was so unhappy that I constantly thought about ending my life. I spent my time alone in my room most of the time thinking about how I didn't want to go on. Then one night the phone rang. I answered it, I didn't recognize the voice but it was for my Grandma. A few minutes later I heard my Grandma screaming from her bedroom, her brother had died. The next morning as I got ready for school my Grandpa told me that my uncle had committed suicide. I was shocked.
Instantly any and all thoughts I had about taking my own life went away. For over 2 years I didn't think about. I felt grateful for the fact that his death showed me that I truly wanted to live.
Then one night things changed. I lost all hope. I gave up. I no longer wanted to keep going. I went out to our garage and searched through my Grandpa's tools trying to figure out what to use to end my life. I thought he might have a razor blade in with his tools so I kept looking. As I was looking my Grandma came out to the garage and asked what I was doing. I said nothing and went back inside.
About a month later I started counseling and my life turned around.
I'll never forget the night I almost ended my life. If my mom hadn't come out there, I probably would have. Even though both at 16 and 18 I was depressed enough to be contemplating suicide I was in denial about my depression.
I still struggled constantly with depression. Some days are better then others. I love writing and sharing my experiences. Even though I struggle at times, I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints so much. It is one thing that has kept be going through all the rough times.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
10/6/14
I used to struggle to fall asleep. My whole life I have struggled with sleep. I used to force myself to go to bed at 1 AM. I would toss and turn for a while and sometimes wouldn't be able to fall asleep until 4 or 5 AM! I wanted to sleep, but my body would not let me. Last night I went to bed at 10:30 (PM at is!!!) The night before was 11. On average it is now 12. I wake up and I'm wide awake. I used to be in a fog. Waking up was difficult, not any more.
On an average day I get up between 8 and 9. Today was my "day off", no work and no kids! I woke up at 9 and laid in bed trying to go back to sleep, but quickly gave up and got up. In the past (before Prozac) I could easily sleep until noon, or even 1 or 2 PM! It didn't matter if I only got a few hours of sleep the night before, I would still struggle to fall asleep every night and wake up every more.
Once I was up I tided up Em's room. Brax threw up last night, we didn't know until this morning. My husband was taking Em to preschool. I asked Brax what he was drinking, "milk". My thought was, um let's get you some juice instead. As I was dumping out his milk I thought, "I am such a mom!" Not just that fact that I am a mom, the fact that I ENJOY being a mom for once! Somewhere between Em and Brax the depression got worse and I stopped enjoying being a mom.
I asked Brax about him throwing up. He said he got it in his hair. Okay, let's take a bath! As I bathed him I again through, "Man, I'm such a mom!"
I always loved my kids, but I struggled. I hated being a mom. I did not enjoy the little things.
I refused to go on Prozac because I've heard "It's bad for you." and "It's addictive". and on and on.
As of right now, I don't care if it is "bad for you." My life is night and day different on it. I can enjoy life again. I love being a mom. Yes, it still is hard at times, but I don't hate it. I am no longer in a fog.
I tried natural supplements and oils, nothing worked. Prozac has been my miracle
On an average day I get up between 8 and 9. Today was my "day off", no work and no kids! I woke up at 9 and laid in bed trying to go back to sleep, but quickly gave up and got up. In the past (before Prozac) I could easily sleep until noon, or even 1 or 2 PM! It didn't matter if I only got a few hours of sleep the night before, I would still struggle to fall asleep every night and wake up every more.
Once I was up I tided up Em's room. Brax threw up last night, we didn't know until this morning. My husband was taking Em to preschool. I asked Brax what he was drinking, "milk". My thought was, um let's get you some juice instead. As I was dumping out his milk I thought, "I am such a mom!" Not just that fact that I am a mom, the fact that I ENJOY being a mom for once! Somewhere between Em and Brax the depression got worse and I stopped enjoying being a mom.
I asked Brax about him throwing up. He said he got it in his hair. Okay, let's take a bath! As I bathed him I again through, "Man, I'm such a mom!"
I always loved my kids, but I struggled. I hated being a mom. I did not enjoy the little things.
I refused to go on Prozac because I've heard "It's bad for you." and "It's addictive". and on and on.
As of right now, I don't care if it is "bad for you." My life is night and day different on it. I can enjoy life again. I love being a mom. Yes, it still is hard at times, but I don't hate it. I am no longer in a fog.
I tried natural supplements and oils, nothing worked. Prozac has been my miracle
Sunday, September 7, 2014
9/7/14
We were traveling off and on for 4 hours today... It was a LONG trip. Last Friday was rough. First I had the horrible headache, then the headache medicine made me feel loopy, which has never happened before. I would spontaneously start crying and had fleeting thoughts of "things will never get better."
I had skipped group the night before, after all, I was feeling FINE, I didn't NEED to go. Friday afternoon I was desperate. I have no family or close friends within 2 hours. I posted on Facebook asking if anyone could watch my kids (so that I could go to group that night). Thankfully, a friend said she would watch them.
I desperately needed to be at group that night. My emotions were everywhere. Which included the wonderful spontaneously bursting into tears during group! The topic was on Hope, something I was struggling with.
I have gone trough so much in my life. There were times I felt like I could not live with the abuse another day, and now here I am suffering from depression so deep at times I feel like it will defeat me. At 19 I moved out of an abuse home, stopped cutting, married the man of my dreams, dealt with past sexual abuse, suffered from infertility for 6 years before adopting my daughter, now having a happy, wonderful life... but these silly thoughts of "life will always be miserable"run through my mind.
I have mentioned in group before that I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy, it just isn't meant to be. I'm destined to be unhappy in this life.
Tonight as traveled I told my husband, not that I am on the medication the lows are so much lower. I tried explaining how up and down I have left over the past 9 months. The straight down I felt last week felt so devastating.
I had skipped group the night before, after all, I was feeling FINE, I didn't NEED to go. Friday afternoon I was desperate. I have no family or close friends within 2 hours. I posted on Facebook asking if anyone could watch my kids (so that I could go to group that night). Thankfully, a friend said she would watch them.
I desperately needed to be at group that night. My emotions were everywhere. Which included the wonderful spontaneously bursting into tears during group! The topic was on Hope, something I was struggling with.
I have gone trough so much in my life. There were times I felt like I could not live with the abuse another day, and now here I am suffering from depression so deep at times I feel like it will defeat me. At 19 I moved out of an abuse home, stopped cutting, married the man of my dreams, dealt with past sexual abuse, suffered from infertility for 6 years before adopting my daughter, now having a happy, wonderful life... but these silly thoughts of "life will always be miserable"run through my mind.
I have mentioned in group before that I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy, it just isn't meant to be. I'm destined to be unhappy in this life.
Tonight as traveled I told my husband, not that I am on the medication the lows are so much lower. I tried explaining how up and down I have left over the past 9 months. The straight down I felt last week felt so devastating.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
9/6/14
Let's start way back when... I did NOT want to go on an anti-depressant! Then I accepted them. If it is the answer to my prayers to help me with my depression then so be it! I went on Prozac at first. I had been on it before. Life went from 10% to 110%. I felt wonderful. I LOVED life again. Except for the one little thing... It made my menstrual cycle go CRAZY. Okay, no big deal, this happens all the time, I'll just go on the medication that regulates my cycle. Except that it didn't work... Now, I'm not just saying my cycle was just a little messed up, I was literally bleeding to death! The days leading up to me stopping Prozac my iron level was so low due to the blood loss that I could hardly move. Getting out of bed to go sit on the couch took all the energy I had. Out of desperation, I quit taking Prozac. Within 24 hours my bleeding stopped!
I went back to Doctor P, 3rd time this year. He prescribed me Celexa to try at first, if that didn't work then go to Wellbutrin At first my Prozac was still in my system and I felt fine. Eventually the withdrawals caught up with me! I got horrible headaches and extreme nausea. As soon as the withdrawals went away going on Celexa had horrible side effects too... I had no appetite for 3 weeks. I literally eat maybe 1 meal a day. I also had a extremely dry mouth (I literally eat cups and cups of ice every day to try to keep moisture in my mouth). FINALLY the side effects wore off. Yay. On Prozac I slept so wonderfully. I LOVED it. I have always struggled with sleep with my whole life. Prozac was like the best sleep aid I've ever had. Not even melatonin works for me all the time. The Celexa very slowly started working. Oh yeah, within a few weeks of going on Celexa I found out my mom is on Wellbutrin and it was working well for her! FYI, if depression runs in your family, if one medication works for a family member it is more likely to work for you too because of genetics!
I kept up with the Celexa, not feeling as 110% as the Prozac made me, but not as low as 10% with nothing in me. I still slept horribly. Which was miserable. I woke up feeling tired and groggy every morning. On Prozac I always woke up feeling SO refreshed. I should also add, I had a really hard time falling asleep on Celexa! The other day, I couldn’t fall asleep until 5 am. I still have to get up, be a mom and I woke full-time. No sleep makes the depression worse!
Well, something interesting happened... 2 nights ago I forgot to take Celexa. I thought, oh I'll just take it in the morning. I woke up the next morning and didn't feel all groggy. That night, I forgot to take the Celexa AGAIN. Guess what happened? Yep, I woke up and did NOT feel groggy! I called my husband to tell him my discovery and he suggested I go off Celexa to see how I do sleep wise.
Another interesting story there... So my doctor, who is AWESOME and takes into account that we have no insurance, prescribed 2 prescriptions so if the first one didn't work, I would have to come see him again and get another prescription! After I was on Celexa for a while and didn't like it, I told my husband that I wanted to go off it and try the Wellbutrin that my doctor also prescribed. Brad was adamant that I HAD to go back to my doctor before switching. I kept telling him, FYI he was there with me when my doctor told me he was prescribing the 2 so I would NOT have to come back, that I didn't have to go back.
So today is day 2 off Celexa and I all of a sudden got a horrible headache, like I did when I went off Prozac. I took some headache medicine and then I kept spontaneously bursting into tears. Wonderful... Oh yeah, I kinda sorta lost my prescription to the Wellbutrin. I called my doctor's office to see if they could call it in to my pharmacy and they did! Yay! Now on to see how I do on Wellbutrin. And now... Wellbutrin is out- $90 a month- Nope! Back on Prozac.
Off and on today I had these fleeting thoughts of “Things will never get better.” or “my life will never be completely normal”. It felt discouraging. Things haven’t felt this dark in a LONG time.
I had group tonight and the spontaneous crying kept on coming... not fun. As I sat in group I thought- Maybe I need to go back to counseling. Since James is the last counselor I went to I thought of him. For some reason I knew he wasn't how I was supposed to see. Yet I do NOT want to go to a 4th counselor, not way. So I had a crazy thought, what about Joy? I told my husband, I’m serious, I will travel 3 hours one way just to see her once a month! I want someone I already know and trust.
Group has helped, medications have helped, writing has helped, doing things I enjoy that distract me from the depression (like crafting) helps... but I still struggle. I wish there was an easier way. I thought Prozac was going to be my answer.
Update: 10/13/2015- Once we got health insurance I went on Wellbutrin. It has been the best, most consistent anti-depressant I've tried!
I went back to Doctor P, 3rd time this year. He prescribed me Celexa to try at first, if that didn't work then go to Wellbutrin At first my Prozac was still in my system and I felt fine. Eventually the withdrawals caught up with me! I got horrible headaches and extreme nausea. As soon as the withdrawals went away going on Celexa had horrible side effects too... I had no appetite for 3 weeks. I literally eat maybe 1 meal a day. I also had a extremely dry mouth (I literally eat cups and cups of ice every day to try to keep moisture in my mouth). FINALLY the side effects wore off. Yay. On Prozac I slept so wonderfully. I LOVED it. I have always struggled with sleep with my whole life. Prozac was like the best sleep aid I've ever had. Not even melatonin works for me all the time. The Celexa very slowly started working. Oh yeah, within a few weeks of going on Celexa I found out my mom is on Wellbutrin and it was working well for her! FYI, if depression runs in your family, if one medication works for a family member it is more likely to work for you too because of genetics!
I kept up with the Celexa, not feeling as 110% as the Prozac made me, but not as low as 10% with nothing in me. I still slept horribly. Which was miserable. I woke up feeling tired and groggy every morning. On Prozac I always woke up feeling SO refreshed. I should also add, I had a really hard time falling asleep on Celexa! The other day, I couldn’t fall asleep until 5 am. I still have to get up, be a mom and I woke full-time. No sleep makes the depression worse!
Well, something interesting happened... 2 nights ago I forgot to take Celexa. I thought, oh I'll just take it in the morning. I woke up the next morning and didn't feel all groggy. That night, I forgot to take the Celexa AGAIN. Guess what happened? Yep, I woke up and did NOT feel groggy! I called my husband to tell him my discovery and he suggested I go off Celexa to see how I do sleep wise.
Another interesting story there... So my doctor, who is AWESOME and takes into account that we have no insurance, prescribed 2 prescriptions so if the first one didn't work, I would have to come see him again and get another prescription! After I was on Celexa for a while and didn't like it, I told my husband that I wanted to go off it and try the Wellbutrin that my doctor also prescribed. Brad was adamant that I HAD to go back to my doctor before switching. I kept telling him, FYI he was there with me when my doctor told me he was prescribing the 2 so I would NOT have to come back, that I didn't have to go back.
So today is day 2 off Celexa and I all of a sudden got a horrible headache, like I did when I went off Prozac. I took some headache medicine and then I kept spontaneously bursting into tears. Wonderful... Oh yeah, I kinda sorta lost my prescription to the Wellbutrin. I called my doctor's office to see if they could call it in to my pharmacy and they did! Yay! Now on to see how I do on Wellbutrin. And now... Wellbutrin is out- $90 a month- Nope! Back on Prozac.
Off and on today I had these fleeting thoughts of “Things will never get better.” or “my life will never be completely normal”. It felt discouraging. Things haven’t felt this dark in a LONG time.
I had group tonight and the spontaneous crying kept on coming... not fun. As I sat in group I thought- Maybe I need to go back to counseling. Since James is the last counselor I went to I thought of him. For some reason I knew he wasn't how I was supposed to see. Yet I do NOT want to go to a 4th counselor, not way. So I had a crazy thought, what about Joy? I told my husband, I’m serious, I will travel 3 hours one way just to see her once a month! I want someone I already know and trust.
Group has helped, medications have helped, writing has helped, doing things I enjoy that distract me from the depression (like crafting) helps... but I still struggle. I wish there was an easier way. I thought Prozac was going to be my answer.
Update: 10/13/2015- Once we got health insurance I went on Wellbutrin. It has been the best, most consistent anti-depressant I've tried!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
7/3/14
I'm sitting here in the church parking lot typing this from my phone... The same church I met my husband at, the one I spent all those times talking to Bishop W, and the one where I had seminary with Sister Parker.
I rarely visit my grandparent's alone. For some odd reason me being without Brad is an open invitation for crazy! The last time I came alone was 2 years ago for my cousins funeral. It was rough enough as it was. I was close with my cousin and his wife. His wife was the only family member that knew I was in counseling and she told me about SOLE long before Joy did, telling me if I got the chance to go, do it. I spent a lot of time with their family. To make the rough trip even worse, my grandma turned everything around, making it my fault. My 2 1/2 year old Em's misbehavior was my fault and so on...
I wasn't sure what to expect this trip. Would it be the same as last time or normal? I gave my grandma a hard time about something. Oddly enough, I heard words I never thought I would hear. My mom asked me to cut up a bell pepper, I told her I didn't know how because my mom never taught me, I was only allowed to cook pancakes and grilled cheese. She told me, "I should have been a better mother." Um, wow!
Then... I needed to go to the store and get floaties for my kids so we can swim tomorrow. My kids, you see, I'm a mom... As I was leaving my grandma asked, "What store are you going to?" Me, "oh, Target or Walmart. Do you need me to get you something?" Mom, "No. But you know they are both just right there on Main Street, so you do not need to go any further then that!" I looked at her like, are you freakin kidding me? 29, I'm 29 YEARS OLD! I called Brad, he got a good laugh.
Now I'm avoiding that house like the plague, much like when I was a teenager! I took my sweet time at both stores, went and got me a soda and now I'm blogging from my phone!
The only reason I came home when I did was I didn't feel like driving around all night, plus I put TV shows to watch on my laptop!
Well, things just took a better turn! So way back before Easter I got an extra manual/ study guide to my depression support group. I brought it with me to my grandparents house in case the subject came up and my grandma was open to it, which it didn't. I knew that might happen. Grandma is hit and miss with being up to talk about things. Something she wants to and other times she ignores the topic. I felt a little disappointed at Easter that it didn't happen, but I knew eventually it would!
As luck would have it, I was in the guest room drinking my soda, watching According to Jim and browsing on Pinterest. The second I finished my soda I realize, dang I forgot to take my pill! So I went into the kitchen to get a drink. I told grandma that I forgot to take my pill and it open up the conversation. I worked up to, "I go to a depression support group. I have an extra manual if you want one." She said yes! She flipped through it and I explained the different sections and questions to answer and articles to read, she said it looked really interesting! Yay! :)
I rarely visit my grandparent's alone. For some odd reason me being without Brad is an open invitation for crazy! The last time I came alone was 2 years ago for my cousins funeral. It was rough enough as it was. I was close with my cousin and his wife. His wife was the only family member that knew I was in counseling and she told me about SOLE long before Joy did, telling me if I got the chance to go, do it. I spent a lot of time with their family. To make the rough trip even worse, my grandma turned everything around, making it my fault. My 2 1/2 year old Em's misbehavior was my fault and so on...
I wasn't sure what to expect this trip. Would it be the same as last time or normal? I gave my grandma a hard time about something. Oddly enough, I heard words I never thought I would hear. My mom asked me to cut up a bell pepper, I told her I didn't know how because my mom never taught me, I was only allowed to cook pancakes and grilled cheese. She told me, "I should have been a better mother." Um, wow!
Then... I needed to go to the store and get floaties for my kids so we can swim tomorrow. My kids, you see, I'm a mom... As I was leaving my grandma asked, "What store are you going to?" Me, "oh, Target or Walmart. Do you need me to get you something?" Mom, "No. But you know they are both just right there on Main Street, so you do not need to go any further then that!" I looked at her like, are you freakin kidding me? 29, I'm 29 YEARS OLD! I called Brad, he got a good laugh.
Now I'm avoiding that house like the plague, much like when I was a teenager! I took my sweet time at both stores, went and got me a soda and now I'm blogging from my phone!
The only reason I came home when I did was I didn't feel like driving around all night, plus I put TV shows to watch on my laptop!
Well, things just took a better turn! So way back before Easter I got an extra manual/ study guide to my depression support group. I brought it with me to my grandparents house in case the subject came up and my grandma was open to it, which it didn't. I knew that might happen. Grandma is hit and miss with being up to talk about things. Something she wants to and other times she ignores the topic. I felt a little disappointed at Easter that it didn't happen, but I knew eventually it would!
As luck would have it, I was in the guest room drinking my soda, watching According to Jim and browsing on Pinterest. The second I finished my soda I realize, dang I forgot to take my pill! So I went into the kitchen to get a drink. I told grandma that I forgot to take my pill and it open up the conversation. I worked up to, "I go to a depression support group. I have an extra manual if you want one." She said yes! She flipped through it and I explained the different sections and questions to answer and articles to read, she said it looked really interesting! Yay! :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
3/25/14
After group and deciding that I should/ need to go on anti-depressants I was anxious to do so. After all I've been putting it off for how long now? I decided to switch to a new doctor, I have not been 100% happy with any of the other doctors I've seen. I've already made an appointment and see him, yeah it was fast! So far, I'm really happy with him.
Last night I was stressing out about it. I can be rather quiet and sometimes it is still hard for me to just speak my mind, so I brought Brad with me because he is rather vocal. I called Brad last night to talk about what we wanted to see happen at the doctors appointment and what we were expecting. I get frazzled/ forgetful easily, so I sat down and made a list of all my questions and a list of my symptoms.
I finally went in and saw my new doctor. So far, I'm impressed!
6 years ago while dealing in counseling dealing with Jack stuff and on fertility medication I was really struggling. I finally admitted to my doctor, I need an anti-depressant! I told him it was due to the fertility medication. He didn't question anything and gave me a prescription.
Now, new doctor, Doctor P... The nurse asked me several questions regarding the depression before he came in. Then he came in and we chatted a little at first and then got down to the depression. He asked me to list my symptoms, so it was nice to hand him the list. Then he wrote down his plan of action. He listed different medications we can try and told me he usually recommended Prozac (which is what I was on before) and said it is safe to take long term. Which was one of my questions. The next thing he suggested was counseling. I explained that I've done counseling and I don't think it would be beneficial at this time. he totally got that and said it's just something to think about and maybe down the road I will feel the need for it. Lastly, he said to exercise...
My first day back on it I felt numb. After that I've felt great! I sleep better, I wake up and I am wide awake (I used to feel like I was in a fog), I feel more productive, I have more patience and I am happier!
My first day back on it I felt numb. After that I've felt great! I sleep better, I wake up and I am wide awake (I used to feel like I was in a fog), I feel more productive, I have more patience and I am happier!
Thursday, March 13, 2014
3/13/14
I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my mind today, so I thought I’d share.
It’s my day off! Yay.
Unfortunately I still have to go into work for a few hours.
I was able to sleep in
Slept in a little too much and rushed out the door before I could make myself lunch
Since I was hungry, grumpy and had no food, my husband went and got me some fries and a coke as he was leaving for a meeting.
The fries were cold! :(
I lost a bead off my necklace
I found the bead
I lost the bead again and really can’t find it...
I got a project done for work, good! Make that 2 things done!
Husband brought me back one of my favorite desserts that they had left over (tres leches, not just that, but from my favorite place to get it!)
I haven’t had much appetite the past few days and don’t even feel like eating it.
Had to change my son's poopy diaper. I was trying to sneak out of work before my husband noticed. He did notice as I was 3 seconds away from leaving, we toss a coin to decide who changes diapers and I lost!
I’m supposed to be cooking our month's worth of meals today, but don’t feel like it.
Think I’ll go shopping instead!
I have my depression group tonight... I really enjoy going!
I'm kinda hoping my husband cooks all the meat I need for meals while I'm gone. Don't count on it...
He didn't cook the meat because I did, however he did do the dishes!
It’s my day off! Yay.
Unfortunately I still have to go into work for a few hours.
I was able to sleep in
Slept in a little too much and rushed out the door before I could make myself lunch
Since I was hungry, grumpy and had no food, my husband went and got me some fries and a coke as he was leaving for a meeting.
The fries were cold! :(
I lost a bead off my necklace
I found the bead
I lost the bead again and really can’t find it...
I got a project done for work, good! Make that 2 things done!
Husband brought me back one of my favorite desserts that they had left over (tres leches, not just that, but from my favorite place to get it!)
I haven’t had much appetite the past few days and don’t even feel like eating it.
Had to change my son's poopy diaper. I was trying to sneak out of work before my husband noticed. He did notice as I was 3 seconds away from leaving, we toss a coin to decide who changes diapers and I lost!
I’m supposed to be cooking our month's worth of meals today, but don’t feel like it.
Think I’ll go shopping instead!
I have my depression group tonight... I really enjoy going!
I'm kinda hoping my husband cooks all the meat I need for meals while I'm gone. Don't count on it...
He didn't cook the meat because I did, however he did do the dishes!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
3/6/14
I left group realizing how CRAZY my mood swings are! Seriously, I thought these mainly happen to pregnant woman. Half way thought the meeting I felt much like the first few weeks in SOLE. I thought for sure it was going to end a similar way. Bishop R forcing me to say SOMETHING. Then those crazy mood swings... I thought about something and started crying and crying and crying. Bishop R would glance at me occasions and looked at me like, “Do you want to share what’s going on?” so I finally did. Now a disclaimer before I post this, for the most part I am “happy”, well happy for me. I really do have a good life and I don’t usually see my life as all doom and gloom.
But, something came over me in group and my thoughts were: My whole life has been trial, after trial, after trial. Even when I’m not currently having a trial, there is still the depression. I feel like I will never be allowed to be happy.
Within 5 minutes of saying that I felt normal again and I thought, Did I really just say that? Because 99% of the time I really don’t feel that way!
I wrote in my journal, "Life has been trial after trial. As soon as one trial ends, things get better, I start to get happy, another trial comes. I get these short fleeting moments of happiness. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy. I look at my life and I have no reason to be unhappy. Between Satan and depression at times I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel with no way out. Deep down I know, this too will end. Maybe with time, maybe with medication, but someday I can and will be whole & happy."
Something odd happened yesterday too. I was on the phone with my Grandma and my Grandpa got home. Grandma, “Grandpa’s here. Do you want to say hi?” Me, “I don’t care.” Grandma, “Here... She wants to say hi.” So after talking to Grandpa, which I don’t believe I have EVER talked to him more than 2 sentences with my Grandma home. If she’s not home then we talk a little because she’s not there. So, that in itself was new. Then he uttered those words, “I love you.” Now the last time I remember him saying that on the phone was 4 or 5 years ago and what did I do? I didn’t know how to react and I hung up on him! When he says it in person I usually just mutter something like, "yeah. you too." Without a whole lot of hesitation I said, “Love you too.” After I hung up I looked at Brad, “I didn’t almost throw up saying that!” That’s a first... EVER. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly meant it.
See... crazy emotions. I thought I was done and then I thought something and now here I am crying again... You know, for a long time my dad and I haven't really gotten along. I felt like a disappointment to him. When I moved out he was so angry at me. He told me I was destroying him family. When I was little I was totally a Daddy's Girl and then I moved out that is how we left things, very negatively. We haven't talked about that ever since then.
Monday, February 24, 2014
2/24/2014
I haven’t really gotten to this part yet in my journaling, so I might be bouncing around a bit.
After I got married and started remembering what Jack had done, we soon moved out of state. Not long after moving I decided to go back to counseling. Going from seeing Joy and SOLE to seeing Aaron was horrible. I am grateful I didn’t start counseling with Aaron. I probably never would have gone back or actually dealt with anything!
I remember one evening very vividly. I had seen Aaron earlier that day or maybe it was the day before. It was not a good visit with Aaron. We either had a decent (maybe even good) visits or horrible visits. I met with my Bishop that night to discuss how counseling was going. I remember talking in his office. We talked about depression and he asked if I wanted to try a different counselor. I told him no. I had lost faith in counseling. I didn’t want to try again. I would simply move on with my life. Bishop R opened up about his own struggle with depression. I remember that night talking to him, leaving his office thinking, why can’t he be my counselor because he is that good! FYI, that’s not even his profession!
I did end up trying counseling again after we had moved out of that ward, I saw James and once again loved counseling! I went another group, the leader of that group was a counselor named Ross. All caught up? okay....
Fast Forward to 8 months ago... We had an Enrichment activity about finding balance in your life. We had 4 different speakers covering emotional health, physical health, personal message and yoga. As it turns out that speaker we got to discuss the emotional health was Ross! Towards the end of Ross’s discussion he mentioned that there was a depression support group in our town. I through, Man I really need to go to that! All I had to do was find out when and where it was. Seems simple right? I put it off and the more I put it off the less I left like find out.
Which brings me to now... We were having another Enrichment activity they are usually just for the woman 18 and up, but this time they decided to invite everyone 12 and up. I am on the committee that plans and carries out the activities, so I knew what was going on from months ago. At one of our planning meetings the leader mentioned a couple that did firesides about depression. I knew right away who it was (she couldn’t remember their names), Bishop R! And of course, it was! Sometime throughout the planning stages the leader mentioned, they (Bishop R and his wife) have a depression support group. I wondered if it was the same one Ross talked about.
Last night was the fireside about depression that Bishop R and his wife did. To keep this short, it was AMAZING. Their support group is the same one Ross talked about. Is it weird to say that I am now really excited to go!?!? I cannot wait! To add to my excitement, I was looking through the book their use and the first thing I thought, “This is like SOLE, but for depression!!!!”. So you might be seeing a lot more post from me about how my new depression support group is going!
Oh, another side note I just thought of... After I quit seeing Aaron, Bishop R printed off some church articles about healing from abuse for me. It amazed me that even though I had given up on counseling, he was still trying to be there and support me in healing! Our last week in that ward before we moved Bishop R taught that Relief Society lesion and I have always referred to that lesion he taught was a one hour version of SOLE!
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