9/7/14

We were traveling off and on for 4 hours today... It was a LONG trip. Last Friday was rough. First I had the horrible headache, then the headache medicine made me feel loopy, which has never happened before. I would spontaneously start crying and had fleeting thoughts of "things will never get better."

I had skipped group the night before, after all, I was feeling FINE, I didn't NEED to go. Friday afternoon I was desperate. I have no family or close friends within 2 hours. I posted on Facebook asking if anyone could watch my kids (so that I could go to group that night). Thankfully, a friend said she would watch them.

I desperately needed to be at group that night. My emotions were everywhere. Which included the wonderful spontaneously bursting into tears during group! The topic was on Hope, something I was struggling with.

I have gone trough so much in my life. There were times I felt like I could not live with the abuse another day, and now here I am suffering from depression so deep at times I feel like it will defeat me. At 19 I moved out of an abuse home, stopped cutting, married the man of my dreams, dealt with past sexual abuse, suffered from infertility for 6 years before adopting my daughter, now having a happy, wonderful life... but these silly thoughts of "life will always be miserable"run through my mind.

I have mentioned in group before that I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy, it just isn't meant to be. I'm destined to be unhappy in this life.

Tonight as traveled I told my husband, not that I am on the medication the lows are so much lower. I tried explaining how up and down I have left over the past 9 months. The straight down I felt last week felt so devastating.