3/6/14

I left group realizing how CRAZY my mood swings are! Seriously, I thought these mainly happen to pregnant woman. Half way thought the meeting I felt much like the first few weeks in SOLE. I thought for sure it was going to end a similar way. Bishop R forcing me to say SOMETHING. Then those crazy mood swings... I thought about something and started crying and crying and crying. Bishop R would glance at me occasions and looked at me like, “Do you want to share what’s going on?” so I finally did. Now a disclaimer before I post this, for the most part I am “happy”, well happy for me. I really do have a good life and I don’t usually see my life as all doom and gloom.

But, something came over me in group and my thoughts were:  My whole life has been trial, after trial, after trial. Even when I’m not currently having a trial, there is still the depression. I feel like I will never be allowed to be happy.

Within 5 minutes of saying that I felt normal again and I thought, Did I really just say that? Because 99% of the time I really don’t feel that way!

I wrote in my journal, "Life has been trial after trial. As soon as one trial ends, things get better, I start to get happy, another trial comes. I get these short fleeting moments of happiness. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy. I look at my life and I have no reason to be unhappy. Between Satan and depression at times I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel with no way out. Deep down I know, this too will end. Maybe with time, maybe with medication, but someday I can and will be whole & happy."

Something odd happened yesterday too. I was on the phone with my Grandma and my Grandpa got home. Grandma, “Grandpa’s here. Do you want to say hi?” Me, “I don’t care.” Grandma, “Here... She wants to say hi.” So after talking to Grandpa, which I don’t believe I have EVER talked to him more than 2 sentences with my Grandma home. If she’s not home then we talk a little because she’s not there. So, that in itself was new. Then he uttered those words, “I love you.” Now the last time I remember him saying that on the phone was 4 or 5 years ago and what did I do? I didn’t know how to react and I hung up on him! When he says it in person I usually just mutter something like, "yeah. you too." Without a whole lot of hesitation I said, “Love you too.” After I hung up I looked at Brad, “I didn’t almost throw up saying that!” That’s a first... EVER. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly meant it.

For a long time the only time he would say “I love you” it was mixed into the verbal abuse. It was hard to take seriously. It was really hard to hear. For a long time I didn’t feel much love, or even like for him. I tolerated being around him. His baptism changed so much. I was not expecting that at all.

See... crazy emotions. I thought I was done and then I thought something and now here I am crying again... You know, for a long time my dad and I haven't really gotten along. I felt like a disappointment to him. When I moved out he was so angry at me. He told me I was destroying him family. When I was little I was totally a Daddy's Girl and then I moved out that is how we left things, very negatively. We haven't talked about that ever since then.