The big day.... (12/30/13)

I’ve thought a lot about how I might feel today. I thought today would be rough. I thought it would be painful. I thought I would cry the whole time out of the mixed emotions.

My emotions over the past 7 weeks have gone up and down. First crying, a lot. Then trying to magically just forgive him for everything. Next, I didn’t care at all. Lastly I went back to crying and feeling anxiety about the whole thing.

The closer the time got for us to leave to go down to my grandparents house the more anxious I felt. As I tried to pack I got my time to fall apart. I called Brad and told him he needed to call my grandparents and tell them we’re not coming. I told him, “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see it. I just can’t handle it.” My loving husband said, "No. We are going." I sat on my bed and cried. I let myself really feel my emotions. Like I said in my last post, I think it is the 18 year old in me that was still hurting. I pulled myself together and finished packing. Brad told me, Maybe this will be a good thing?

The big day came. Grandpa just wondering around their house he seemed happier. I felt a lot calmer than I expected. I thought I would be a wreck.

The first thing was a musical number. THE song that always makes me cry (see this post). I played with Brax’s hair to distract me/ keep from crying. The first talk was by my cousin on baptism. As he talked about how a new spirit is born I thought back to my thoughts on re-trying at a new relationship with Grandpa. I wanted to go from that time forward thinking of him as a new/ different person. Next was a talk by my aunt. During hers I thought of this quote-


I wanted to try to be a better, more patient mom. I also wanted to try hard to forgive Grandpa. At this point I was doing good on the not crying. Then my aunt talked about the family members who have died, but she felt would be there today, mainly my Mom and her son. (Queue tears!) I never thought of that. I thought, okay Mom, if you’re here then help me get through this!

Next on the program was a song. It was interesting because it was my mom’s favorite hymn and the song that is a part of my comfort kit. I did tear up throughout it, in a good way.

We moved on to the actual baptism. I really thought I would be crazy emotional (in a negative way) and feeling uneasy about the whole thing. I felt so calm and at peace about it all. As he came out of the water he was crying and so was I. It was as if as he was baptized the feelings of complete forgiveness came over me. It was as if all those old feelings of negativity towards him washed away too.

I thought watching him get baptized would be hard. I thought it would hurt. I thought it would tear me up inside... In fact it was very freeing!

He seems nicer without the alcohol. I say “seems” because we didn’t spend a lot of time at my grandparents house/ around him. I spent 29 year being around him drunk, so 4 days with him sober isn’t much time. He seemed happier, friendlier, more interested in my kids! Drunk Grandpa constantly called Brax  "Brandon" and never acknowledged if he said the wrong thing. Sober Grandpa called him the wrong name once in those 4 days and instantly realized it and said the right name! What? It still seems weird.

When we left he gave me a hug. Sometimes he does (when we are leaving), sometimes it’s a pat on the back and sometimes it’s just a wave. It was the first time in a looooong time (somewhere between 10 to 20 years!) that I did not cringe! I think... I might be able to even utter the words “I love you too” without wanting to throw up! One of the last times (this was 3 to 4 years ago) he said “I love you” over the phone I hung up on him!

From the time he announced he was getting baptized until it happened I kept feeling like I needed to force myself to magically 100% forgive him. A lot of tears were shed. A lot of mixed emotions were going on. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle seeing him get baptized. The night before I went from completely freaking out about it to feeling at peace about it all. I think my crazy emotions leading up to it were preparing me for the fact that I would feel complete forgive for him once he was baptized.

Now, things still aren’t perfect. Or rather, should I say, he did not magically become perfect. Even though he was baptized he still went shopping on Sunday and he still refuses to go to any part of church other than Sacrament meeting. But you know, it’s not my problem. It’s his life.

12/19/13

I keep feeling inner turmoil about the whole Grandpa getting baptized thing... Everyone is so excited and happy and I'm the Grinch who is NOT happy about this whole thing. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

I know I've said this before, but I had married the most amazing man ever! As he was trying to leave out the door for work I started telling him, "I feel like the Grinch here. I'm the only one who is not excited. I feel bad, like I've been harboring all these bad feelings for him. I mean, come on, he called me a few bad words! Shouldn't I just be over it by now?" He told me I was justified in feeling the way I do and what he did was a big deal and it's going to take a lot of time.

I did agree with Brad that we need to put on the happy face and try to be supportive of the whole thing. He said I should try to be there for my grandma right now... I feel torn about that too. 4 months ago we were talking about Grandpa's verbal abuse and how he scapegoats everything on to me still. She was apologizing for not having need for me 10 years ago. Then Grandpa decided to get baptized and I saw something change in grandma. She went from talk to me about his abuse to defending him! He kept calling Brax by the wrong name, I corrected him and grandma snapped at me... She is also so excited about this. I told Brad, It's like she's completely forgotten that he's still an abusive jerk!

I am still re-try at a whole relationship with him. I don't have high expectations. It's not like his personality is going to change. Brad thinks that Grandpa will start drinking again. I never really thought about that.

I don't care why he is getting baptized. I don't care if he is doing it for all the right reasons, which I don't think he is. It is his life and his choices and consequences. Yet, every time I think about him getting baptized I burst into tears. Not happy tears. Tears I can't even explain...Tears I feel are  coming out of the 18-year-old me for some reason and not the 29-year-old me.

Brad keeps reminding me, "If you think you're emotional now, just wait until Saturday!" Great. I'm going to be a wreck. If it wouldn't completely upset my family, I wouldn't go. I don't want to. I don't want to be there. I don't want to see it. I don't want any part of it. See, I feel like the Grinch again. It's my Grandpa, getting baptized. I should be excited. I should WANT to be there... But I don't. He didn't just call me a few bad names. He nearly destroyed me. He torn me down until I felt completely worthless. Feeling worthless and alone made me suicidal many times between the ages of 15 and 19. I almost ended my life a few times because of what he said to me. It is not a small thing to just get over. I am striving to forgive him. I WANT to forgive him. I'm trying to accept the apology I will never get from him.

The Rollercoaster (12/18/13)

I have all these thoughts and emotions swirling through my head. Earlier  I was trying to figure out what to get my sister for Christmas. I looked through her Pinterest page for ideas. Just now I got online to blog and I still had her Pinterest page up. As I closed the page to blog I saw this...

I've had 7 weeks to prepare for Grandpa's baptism. I feel like I've blinked and it's here. At first the thought of it made me SO emotional. For a while I could not figure out why. Then it hit me, him getting baptized is the end of a chapter. For me to fully support him getting baptized I felt like I needed to more fully forgive him for the abuse.

After I realized this my emotions gave me a nice little break. I kept thinking, Eh, whatever he wants to do, I don't care. Now it is 4 DAYS away and I'm back to crazy emotions!!!

As I sat on our couch looking at our Christmas tree I flashed back to 10 years ago. I had just met Brad, I had also just moved out of my parents house. I was living with my aunt and uncle and I kept having nightmares about being no one wanting me. I felt alone, unloved and mostly unwanted. Then I woke up Christmas morning and much to my surprise my aunt and uncle had gotten me presents as if I was one of their kids. Then the crazy depression hit later the Christmas night... I'll save that for a different post.

After SOLE I was a different person. Somewhere along the way I figured I had just forgiven my Grandpa and had moved on with my life. The truth is, I alienated myself from him. I didn't want a relationship with him. I didn't want anything to do with him. The only reason I kept in contact with him as much as I have is because I now have a great relationship with Grandma. If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't speak to Grandpa at all.

After he announced he was going to be baptized I wanted to start a new page with him. I wanted to re-try at a relationship. After all, he was my best friend from the time I can remember until I was 14 ish...

As I try to prepare myself for his baptism and me trying to more fully forgive him all the words he used to call me run through my mind. No, I don't believe them any more but I guess I'm still struggling to let go of those things.

I am trying to focus on the good in my life. How far I've come in the past 10 years and all. I can't change the past. I can't change what Grandpa said and did. I'm extremely anxious for Saturday. I am not looking forward to my emotions that day! I just want it to be over.

The one phrase that has been on my mind a lot the past 7 weeks, "What are those tears saying?" It's funny the things you get from counseling. The first time around I quit being closed up and stopped saying "I don't know" as my way to not talk about my feelings and emotions. Then when I went to James I learned to really dig deep and evaluate my true feelings as he always asked me, "What are those tears saying?" Tonight they are trying to forgive....

Things Dad said...

Dec. 2013
As I wrote this post it finally hit me as to why I had such strong emotions about my Grandpa's baptism. I wasn’t mad, angry, sad, happy, or excited that he is getting baptized. I feel neutral about it. But why, every time the subject comes up, I cry! As soon as I finished the other post it hit me, the tears weren’t about it, it was about me. Me accepting his baptism feels like the biggest step I’ve ever taken in forgiving him. It seems odd to me at the same time, because if you had asked me 1 months ago how much I had forgiven him I would say 99% to 100%. Everything is in the past. Now I feel like 1 month ago I had forgiven him maybe 25% and all of the sudden I’m taking the step, more like leap, to 99% to 100%. Of course I’m going to be emotional, I’m always emotional!

In taking this leap I feel like writing down the things he has said to me for me to let go of...
B****
Slut
Worthless
Piece of S***
Evil
Have a devil inside me
Destroyed his family
That I take drugs
That in the afterlife I will be his servant (because he is a better person than me)
That my first job ever (I worked in an ice cream shop) was worse than flipping burgers at Mc Donalds and was going to take me no where in life. Because your first job out of high school when you are 18 is your set career for lift, right? (For the record, I found my real passion in life, other than being a mom, when I was 27 and it happened completely unexpectedly!)

July 2015
As I now prepare for him to get endowed I'm re-going though these same emotions and feelings. At first I tried to tell myself that I was going un-rightfully upset about the situation. My husband reminded me that it is normal and it was okay to feel the way I do about it.

When your abuser is getting baptized.... (11/24/13)

I don’t know if I’m the first person to be experiencing this, but it has been an interesting journey.
60 years ago my grandparents were getting married. Grandma was LDS and Grandpa was Catholic. I don’t know when or how or any of the details, but he started learning about the LDS church and investigating it. By the time I came along, he wasn’t active in the Catholic church, but was LDS either.

I remember one time when I was about 14 he announced, “Well, I was going to be getting baptized, but the missionary that I really like is getting transferred, so I’m not!” The missionary even got permission to come back to baptize Grandpa, but he used that as his way of getting out of it.

Then about 6 or 7 years ago Grandma called me around this same time of year, asking to make sure we were coming to their house for Christmas. She told me, “It’s a surprise, but Grandpa's getting baptized on our anniversary!” I asked her, “Has he stopped drinking?” She replied, “No, but he has cut back a lot.” I told her, “Well, let me know when he has stopped!”

3 weeks ago he announced to the whole family that he was going to be baptized. Where have I heard this before? It was a mix of emotions.

The past three weeks I have reflected on this and the past 10 years a lot! It was exactly 10 years ago that I moved out. It was extremely bittersweet. Bitter because there was a LOT more verbal abuse thrown at me the last 24 hours I was there. Sweet because I knew that for once in my life, I never had to go back!

The following 6 months after I moved out I was still in counseling with Joy and then went through SOLE. At the end of SOLE I thought I had completely, 100%, forgiven Grandpa. Over the past 9 ½ years little things come up here and there and I’ve realized that as close to complete forgiveness as I was, I wasn’t at 100%, yet.

For 10 years I have avidly avoided Grandpa. I haven’t gone out of my way to talk to him. If he is in the same room then I will talk, rarely to him. If I call their house and he answers, I ask for Grandma. I’ve also been known to just hang up on him if he utters the words, “I love you.” The first time I remember hearing him say “I love you” and it was not in the midst of abuse, I was married. Which is also when I was so stunned all I could think to do was hang up!

Every time the subject of Grandpa getting baptized came up, I would get angry about it! For a long time I held onto these feels that I would not support him getting baptized. I couldn’t see around the fact that he wasn’t worthy to. After all the things he said to me, he has to at least repent of this sin. There was no way I would support him getting baptized until he apologized for the abuse.

It wasn’t until within a few months/ days before the announcement that I finally changed my negative feelings about it all.

I married the most perfect person for me! It was Brad talking to me rationally that got through to me. I realized I needed to let go of my personal negative view of my Grandpa and let him getting baptized be between him and the Lord.

As I sat there telling Brad how there was no way Grandpa could get baptized because he was unworthy of it and is doing it for the wrong reasons, Brad finally changed my thoughts. He explained, That is you Grandpa's problem if he is did this all unworthily (like still drinking). I don’t need to worry about it and need to just let it be. Brad explained that even though baptism essential to getting to the Celestial Kingdom, if someone makes those baptismal covenants and still lives unworthily, it is their own condemnation! It finally sunk in that it doesn’t matter if I approve or not, it doesn’t matter that I will never get the apology for the abuse. Grandpa will live his own life, make his own decisions and if he truly changes his life and gets baptized that is great. If he gets baptized and keeps abusing and drinking, then in the end he will be worse off than if he had never gotten baptized. I am not going to be the one to judge him. I don’t really know the intentions of his heart.

I have finally gotten to a point where I am not angry, mad, sad or disapproving of his baptism. At the same time I’m not excited or happy about it either. I am just going along with it. My feelings are “Ehh”. Really, I don’t know what to say or how to describe how I feel. Mostly, trying my hardest to push towards neutral.

Every time the subject comes up I cry. I have been trying to figure out why. As I have finished writing this I think I have finally figured out the emotions behind the tears... I feel like accepting him getting baptized is the biggest step I have taken in forgiving him for the abuse. And that is causing me to cry, a lot!

PS, apparently he has stopped drinking

11/17/13

Why I don’t think it’s “wonderful”...

My grandparents were keeping my Grandpa's decision to get baptized a secret from their ward until Grandpa was ready to announce it. I’m guessing they announced it today. One of my Facebook friends (who is in my parents ward) tagged me in their facebook post, mentioning how their heard the “most wonderful” news.

I’ll set aside the fact that he was abusive to me...

I don’t think he deep down wants to convert whole heartedly to the church. Growing up he always said he wanted to wait until the end of his life before he was baptized. As he said, “I want to eat, drink and be merry. Then just before I die, I’ll get baptized.” Now as he approaches 80, I’m sure he feels that he needs to do it to save his soul.

He is Catholic and still has that mindset. He told Grandma, my uncle and I (after he announced it to the family)  “I don’t want to get the priesthood, I don’t want to get endowed, I don’t want to get sealed. I am not going to go to Sunday School or Priesthood. I will only keep going to Sacrament meeting. If I need copies made on Sunday, I am still going to go to the store and get them.”

He views his baptism as his saving ordnance. All he has to do is get wet and he’s saved. He thinks nothing in his life actually needs to be changed or affected in any way. I have heard that he has stopped drinking.

He also said that if everyone he knows can’t see him get baptized, he doesn’t want to do it! He is expecting hundreds (yes, 100’s) of people to come and he wants to make sure every single one of those people can physically see him get baptized. The mission president told him he will have it televised into the chapel for everyone who doesn’t fit in the room to see. My uncle told him, no we are not doing that. I agree. It is ridiculous! 

11/14/13

It has been almost 2 weeks since Grandpa announcing that he is going to be baptized into the LDS church. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. The more I think about it the more I remind myself, “Whatever, it’s HIS life!” I think I’ve come a LONG way in the past 10 years.

Brad has helped me with that a lot. We have had many conversations about my Grandpa joining the church and my feelings about it. Even a few months ago I told Brad, for my Grandpa to be getting baptized and “repenting for his sins” I need him to apologize for the abuse first. Right after he announced it I told Brad, I would like just an acknowledgement, but I don’t expect it to happen. Now, I don’t really care. My motto right now about it all is, “It’s his life!”.

Brad explained it to my so perfectly just a few days before I found out. It was such perfect timing. If Grandpa really changes his ways, joins the church, does it for the right reasons, then great. If Grandpa joins the church, still drinks, or abuses, or doesn’t really change his ways, as my husband worded it, “It is his condemnation!”. I try to remind myself that all I know are my experiences and my relationship with Grandpa. This step his is taking is between him and the Lord. I am not the one to judge. I am not the one to tell him he is unworthy to do so.

I was kind of pessimistic when he announced it. I really doubted he would follow through. According to my Grandma, he has stopped drinking! Seriously? She then told me, “Have a little faith in him.”

I asked Brad, I have heard that alcohol changes people’s personalities. Does that mean he is going to get nicer?

I don’t know what it was, but I did soften my heart towards him the day he announced it. He announced it, I went into the bedroom and talked to Brad and had my random crying. Then I got to live out my teenage dream and dumped out some of his alcohol, it wasn’t his wine, but good enough.  It was rather cleansing and therapeutic! After that, something switched inside me. Without even realizing it I decided to re-try at a decent relationship with him. For 10 ½ years I have been on the cold side with him. I didn’t want much to do with him. I would interact with him at bare minimum. I would never go out of my way to talk to him. I don’t remember what it was, but that day I went up to him and showed him something. That is something I haven’t done (or have wanted to do) in many, many years! I talked to him openly, honestly and lovingly instead of bitterly.

Even though I have forgiven him for the abuse, I still didn’t want him to really be a part of my life. I put up with him being around. I’m going to try to change. I am not saying I am opening myself up to get hurt or abused. I am not changing any of my boundaries with him.

It is interesting that he has decided to get baptized now. 2 months ago I told Brad something I had never told anyone before. As I kid, back when I played the piano, one of the songs I would practice playing was “When I am Baptized”. If you are LDS then you know, it is sung at pretty much every baptism ever in history. I would practice playing it and told myself I would play it at Grandpa's baptism. As time went on I realized, he was never going to be baptized. Back then, he didn’t abuse me, he didn’t drink and we were best friend. Every time I hear that song I just bawl. The little girl in my aches. She is sad and disappointed and is longing for her best bud to be baptized. She wants that song to be special for her Grandpa.

After he announced it, we were all sitting around talking and he brought up planning the program. I flashed back to my childhood, sitting at the piano in that same room and practicing that song just for him.

If by any miracle I am asked to play that song (I haven’t played the piano in like 14 years), I don’t think I could do it. Not that I wouldn’t want to. I do. I would just bawl the whole time and there is no way I could make it through it.  

11/4/13

It was about 20 minutes before the “big announcement” and I overheard what it was. It was one of the things we predicted.... Grandpa is getting baptized.

When he announced it, I expected excitement, cheering, crying, everyone overwhelmingly excited. What happened? It was actually really pretty quiet in the room. No one clapped or cheered. It was nice.

About 20 minutes after the announcement I went into the room where we were sleeping to talk to Brad and the tears just started flowing. I kept telling him, “I don’t know why I’m even crying! I’m not happy, or sad, or mad, or angry. I’m just crying.” I told Brad how Grandma has come so far and has apologized for all these little things from over the years, like not having been there for me. I just wish, but never actually expect to happen, him to acknowledge and apologize for the abuse. Never going to happen, but it would be nice. It was weird, standing in that room, looking at the exact spot where I started cutting because of the hurt I was feeling while talking to my husband about my crazy mixed emotions about Grandpa getting baptized.

I wouldn’t say I was shocked. In fact when Grandma asked me if I was surprised I told her, “No! He does this every few years!” She claimed he has never once said he would get baptized... A few years ago she called me and told me he was going to be baptized for their anniversary.

The time before that I was probably 14-ish. He announced that he was all set to get baptized, but the missionary he liked was transferred out of our ward, so he backed out! I've also heard that before I was born he once went as far as the baptismal interview before he backed out.

To be honest, do I think it is going to happen? I don’t know. The #1 problem I have (or more like, he has) is that he is STILL drinking! In fact, an hour after he announced it was he was drinking a beer! Nice!

We were able to have a little fun, we as a family dumped out all his alcohol, except for his wine! A bunch of different family members each grabbed a bottle and poured if down the drain. I excitedly asked for one to dump out, but there was none left. A few minutes later they found another, I quickly called dibs and dumped it down the drain! Man, that felt good! There was a summer when he was out of town that my sister and I wanted to get rid of all his alcohol, but we knew he would just replace it when he got home and it wouldn’t accomplish anything.

I do not think he is fully prepared to be baptized. I kept telling Brad, How is that he has been getting the missionary discussions for 60 years and he is THIS naive about everything! Brad’s response, “Because he hasn’t been preparing for baptism for 60 years, he has been fighting against it for 60 years!”

After the big announcement and all the family left we were able to have a deep conversation about everything between Grandpa, Grandma, uncle and I. Grandpa flat out asked us (HUGE hint he is not ready for this) “Why do I even need to get baptized? Can’t I just keep doing what I’m doing? I go to church every Sunday!” Uncle explained it was growing closer to Heavenly Father and partaking of the sacrament and I chimed in “And being worthy of it, like not drinking!” He doesn’t want to get the Priesthood, he doesn’t want to get endowed or sealed, he doesn’t want to go to more than Sacrament meeting. Really, he doesn’t want anything to change! He is a Catholic and has that mindset of, once I get baptized I am saved and it is the end and I don’t have to do anything else. Uncle kept reminding him, baptism is the First step, not the last! At one point he asked some obnoxious questions, uncle flat out told him, “You’re just being an A**!” Yep, pretty much!

Oh yeah, he already has a date set, 6 weeks from now! Will he stop drinking? Will he be ready? We will see!

10/30/13

We are going to visit my parents this weekend. Apparently my Grandpa has some BIG announcement. I asked him what it was and he started crying (which is actually really common) and mumble something. After I hung up the phone I talked to Brad about it and we got into a deep conversation...

A- How would I feel about him dying? Not that I wish him dead or wish him ill. It would be a mix of emotions. I would be sad. I still miss my Grandpa that was my best friend as a little kid. At the same time, I wish my Grandma wouldn’t have to live with an abusive jerk.

B- My family will be SOOO happy 1 year after he has died because they can finally get him baptized. I could care less! Brad asked me, “What if it was 100% up to you to get his work done?” I told Brad, “I don’t know if I could do it. If he decided to join the church on his own, then that is his decision. I don’t know if I could do that for him.” My wonderful husband pointed you, “You know, when he gets his work done, it’s not like he is getting saved. When he gets that work done for him, it could be his condemnation.” I kept thinking and telling Brad, “It is the same thing if you were to tell me I needed to do Jack's work for him. It feels like I would be the one being baptized for them and be the one saving them!” Brad kept reminding me, “That is why judgment day is call the Great and Dreadful, great for some, dreadful for others. He will be accountable for everything he’s done.” And yet, I still feel like once he is baptized (after he has died) that all his sins will be wiped clean, that he got the life he wanted, he got to live a life full of drinking and abusing and sinning and then it will be wiped cleaned.

I do get that, that is kind of the point when someone is baptized, that their sins are wiped clean. BUT it is their decisions to change their ways, repent of their sins and then get baptized. Not having it both ways like he wants. He has flat out told everyone that it is his wishes, to live the life he wants (aka drink as much as he wants) and then let the family get baptized for him.

At the same time I feel guilt. Apparently, I haven’t fully forgiven him if I still feel like this.

It hurts me that he has no remorse for the things he has said and done to me. I know, abuser usually never so have remorse or even realization of what they have done. One instance stands out to me. I don’t feel it as one of his “abusive moments”, which he is in denial, but more of an attack on me that I know I as a parent would regret. When I was moving out, when he found out I had been cutting, he told me I was evil.

Over the past 10 years my relationship with Grandma has gone from non-existent to wonderful. It was 4 years ago that we started this whole new chapter in our relationship. She has apologized for noting being there for me when I needed someone, for not standing up for me again Grandpa, for saying I was too sensitive and Grandpa wasn’t abusive. Pretty much, you name ,it she has apologized for it. Grandpa on the other hand, still blames everything on me and probably still thinks I’m evil!

Even if I thought my child was evil or messed up, if they were cutting or even doing drugs, I think I (as a rational person) would be impressed that they changed their whole life around in 5 months and got married in the temple! He could still care less.

Other possible guesses for this big announcement this weekend:
He is getting baptized. My husband told me, there is no way. The missionaries aren’t stupid, they won’t baptize him. He is still an alcoholic. I laughed and told him, some of the people in my parents ward that idolize him, man they would baptize him with alcohol on his hand!!!! (I am NOT kidding, they would!)

This is actually an intervention to get him to stop drinking. Yeah right.

He is actually dying. Our guesses- Mine: liver failure from drinking. Brads: Cancer.

8/4/13

It was 10 years ago that I sat in the Sacred Grove and read those words. Have you ever read something and it wasn’t until later on that it all sunk in? It was later that day that it hit me, what he meant by that. I was shocked and hurt. Oh course, it was my fault.

I went up to Sister Parker and handed her what I had written. (I still need to find that)
When she read it she hugged me and held me close, “Do NOT believe him! Believe me, it is not true! Don’t believe him!”

Even after all these years I think only 4 or 5 people know what he said to me in that letter, my husband, Hayley, Sister Parker, Bishop M and maybe Joy? I had never told my mom.

Today was one of those rare/ random times that we talked about personal things. We (Brad, Grandma, kids and I) all went to my nieces birthday party. Afterwards my Grandma wanted to go see Grandpa at a thing he was doing at the church. We went to his booth, but he was doing a class in a different room. I bend down and picked up his “Gatorade” bottle (aka his flask!). I held it up to show Brad, “Seriously!? Inside the church?!?” I put it back and moved on, honestly it doesn’t completely surprise me! The class he was teaching got out, I went in with my kids. Brax went up to Grandpa and handed him the toy he was holding. Grandpa did NOT even realize it was his grandson until Em came up to him too! Nice! Hum, should I be sad or proud that my kids don’t even know his name? Em kept saying, “Grandpa Glen.” Me, “No Em, that’s not Grandpa Glen, It’s Papa Don.” She did this all night long.

Well, on the way home Grandma told us that she has been diagnosed with some weird autoimmune disease. The past few years I have felt somewhat torn up inside. For 25 years I didn’t have a real relationship with Grandma. Now we are close, the closest we have ever been and it has been torture watching her health decline and know that someday she is going to die. It would have been so much easier if we never got close.

Moving on... After she told us that we stopped at a store, Brad ran in while the rest of us were in the car. Grandma tells me that Grandpa has started drinking even more since she’s been sick. Me, “Is that even possible to drink MORE?” She told me about a trip they had recently, she had been driving, but didn’t feel well and told him not to drink (much) because he would be driving home. Naturally he drank anyways. They got in an argument, which resulted in him saying, “It’s you and people like you that is why I will never join the church.” She knew what his answer was going to be, but she asked anyways, “Me and who else?” His answer.... “Dawn-Marie!”. I proceeded to tell her about the letter I got from him 10 years ago. She told me, “You know that isn’t true?”. I am ALWAYS his scapegoat! Don’t ask me why. I did have to laugh as I thought, Seriously, I haven’t lived with him for almost 10 years and he STILL blames everything on me?

I am proud that she is in counseling and she said she has started to stand up for herself and talk back to my dad. After 60 years of marriage! Wow. I would have left him long ago.

I mentioned to my Grandma , “I know how it is not having anyone to talk to. That’s why Bishop M had me go to counseling, to deal with all this stuff!” I think it was the first time she has mentioned it since the day after I told her (So, Dec. 2003), “You know, I feel bad for what you went through and the problems you had..... cutting.” I told her, “I know. I was done cutting by the time I told you anyways.”

It still seems foreign to me to have deep and personal conversations with Grandma. I had this fun Grandma when I was little, then my mom died and that fun Grandma was replaced with Grandma. From the time my mom died until a few weeks before my sister turned 16 she was just normal I guess. We were never close then either, I was a Daddy’s Girl. Then, I don’t know what happened but she just stopped functioning. I remember exactly when it was because my sister drove us to and from church the 2 weeks before she turned 16 and she didn’t have her driver’s license yet. From then on I had this emotionally dead parent who wasn’t there at all until a few years ago. Now we talk, we are close, and it still seems weird sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it. It is just weird thinking, what happened to my mom that wasn’t there for me? Now I long to be there for her emotionally. Partially because she wasn’t there for me and the other part because I’ve already deal with all these things she is dealing with. (Also kind of weird to think about).