It has been almost 2 weeks since Grandpa announcing that he is going to be baptized into the LDS church. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. The more I think about it the more I remind myself, “Whatever, it’s HIS life!” I think I’ve come a LONG way in the past 10 years.
Brad has helped me with that a lot. We have had many conversations about my Grandpa joining the church and my feelings about it. Even a few months ago I told Brad, for my Grandpa to be getting baptized and “repenting for his sins” I need him to apologize for the abuse first. Right after he announced it I told Brad, I would like just an acknowledgement, but I don’t expect it to happen. Now, I don’t really care. My motto right now about it all is, “It’s his life!”.
Brad explained it to my so perfectly just a few days before I found out. It was such perfect timing. If Grandpa really changes his ways, joins the church, does it for the right reasons, then great. If Grandpa joins the church, still drinks, or abuses, or doesn’t really change his ways, as my husband worded it, “It is his condemnation!”. I try to remind myself that all I know are my experiences and my relationship with Grandpa. This step his is taking is between him and the Lord. I am not the one to judge. I am not the one to tell him he is unworthy to do so.
I was kind of pessimistic when he announced it. I really doubted he would follow through. According to my Grandma, he has stopped drinking! Seriously? She then told me, “Have a little faith in him.”
I asked Brad, I have heard that alcohol changes people’s personalities. Does that mean he is going to get nicer?
I don’t know what it was, but I did soften my heart towards him the day he announced it. He announced it, I went into the bedroom and talked to Brad and had my random crying. Then I got to live out my teenage dream and dumped out some of his alcohol, it wasn’t his wine, but good enough. It was rather cleansing and therapeutic! After that, something switched inside me. Without even realizing it I decided to re-try at a decent relationship with him. For 10 ½ years I have been on the cold side with him. I didn’t want much to do with him. I would interact with him at bare minimum. I would never go out of my way to talk to him. I don’t remember what it was, but that day I went up to him and showed him something. That is something I haven’t done (or have wanted to do) in many, many years! I talked to him openly, honestly and lovingly instead of bitterly.
Even though I have forgiven him for the abuse, I still didn’t want him to really be a part of my life. I put up with him being around. I’m going to try to change. I am not saying I am opening myself up to get hurt or abused. I am not changing any of my boundaries with him.
It is interesting that he has decided to get baptized now. 2 months ago I told Brad something I had never told anyone before. As I kid, back when I played the piano, one of the songs I would practice playing was “When I am Baptized”. If you are LDS then you know, it is sung at pretty much every baptism ever in history. I would practice playing it and told myself I would play it at Grandpa's baptism. As time went on I realized, he was never going to be baptized. Back then, he didn’t abuse me, he didn’t drink and we were best friend. Every time I hear that song I just bawl. The little girl in my aches. She is sad and disappointed and is longing for her best bud to be baptized. She wants that song to be special for her Grandpa.
After he announced it, we were all sitting around talking and he brought up planning the program. I flashed back to my childhood, sitting at the piano in that same room and practicing that song just for him.
If by any miracle I am asked to play that song (I haven’t played the piano in like 14 years), I don’t think I could do it. Not that I wouldn’t want to. I do. I would just bawl the whole time and there is no way I could make it through it.
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