8/4/13

It was 10 years ago that I sat in the Sacred Grove and read those words. Have you ever read something and it wasn’t until later on that it all sunk in? It was later that day that it hit me, what he meant by that. I was shocked and hurt. Oh course, it was my fault.

I went up to Sister Parker and handed her what I had written. (I still need to find that)
When she read it she hugged me and held me close, “Do NOT believe him! Believe me, it is not true! Don’t believe him!”

Even after all these years I think only 4 or 5 people know what he said to me in that letter, my husband, Hayley, Sister Parker, Bishop M and maybe Joy? I had never told my mom.

Today was one of those rare/ random times that we talked about personal things. We (Brad, Grandma, kids and I) all went to my nieces birthday party. Afterwards my Grandma wanted to go see Grandpa at a thing he was doing at the church. We went to his booth, but he was doing a class in a different room. I bend down and picked up his “Gatorade” bottle (aka his flask!). I held it up to show Brad, “Seriously!? Inside the church?!?” I put it back and moved on, honestly it doesn’t completely surprise me! The class he was teaching got out, I went in with my kids. Brax went up to Grandpa and handed him the toy he was holding. Grandpa did NOT even realize it was his grandson until Em came up to him too! Nice! Hum, should I be sad or proud that my kids don’t even know his name? Em kept saying, “Grandpa Glen.” Me, “No Em, that’s not Grandpa Glen, It’s Papa Don.” She did this all night long.

Well, on the way home Grandma told us that she has been diagnosed with some weird autoimmune disease. The past few years I have felt somewhat torn up inside. For 25 years I didn’t have a real relationship with Grandma. Now we are close, the closest we have ever been and it has been torture watching her health decline and know that someday she is going to die. It would have been so much easier if we never got close.

Moving on... After she told us that we stopped at a store, Brad ran in while the rest of us were in the car. Grandma tells me that Grandpa has started drinking even more since she’s been sick. Me, “Is that even possible to drink MORE?” She told me about a trip they had recently, she had been driving, but didn’t feel well and told him not to drink (much) because he would be driving home. Naturally he drank anyways. They got in an argument, which resulted in him saying, “It’s you and people like you that is why I will never join the church.” She knew what his answer was going to be, but she asked anyways, “Me and who else?” His answer.... “Dawn-Marie!”. I proceeded to tell her about the letter I got from him 10 years ago. She told me, “You know that isn’t true?”. I am ALWAYS his scapegoat! Don’t ask me why. I did have to laugh as I thought, Seriously, I haven’t lived with him for almost 10 years and he STILL blames everything on me?

I am proud that she is in counseling and she said she has started to stand up for herself and talk back to my dad. After 60 years of marriage! Wow. I would have left him long ago.

I mentioned to my Grandma , “I know how it is not having anyone to talk to. That’s why Bishop M had me go to counseling, to deal with all this stuff!” I think it was the first time she has mentioned it since the day after I told her (So, Dec. 2003), “You know, I feel bad for what you went through and the problems you had..... cutting.” I told her, “I know. I was done cutting by the time I told you anyways.”

It still seems foreign to me to have deep and personal conversations with Grandma. I had this fun Grandma when I was little, then my mom died and that fun Grandma was replaced with Grandma. From the time my mom died until a few weeks before my sister turned 16 she was just normal I guess. We were never close then either, I was a Daddy’s Girl. Then, I don’t know what happened but she just stopped functioning. I remember exactly when it was because my sister drove us to and from church the 2 weeks before she turned 16 and she didn’t have her driver’s license yet. From then on I had this emotionally dead parent who wasn’t there at all until a few years ago. Now we talk, we are close, and it still seems weird sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it. It is just weird thinking, what happened to my mom that wasn’t there for me? Now I long to be there for her emotionally. Partially because she wasn’t there for me and the other part because I’ve already deal with all these things she is dealing with. (Also kind of weird to think about).