12/19/13

I keep feeling inner turmoil about the whole Grandpa getting baptized thing... Everyone is so excited and happy and I'm the Grinch who is NOT happy about this whole thing. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

I know I've said this before, but I had married the most amazing man ever! As he was trying to leave out the door for work I started telling him, "I feel like the Grinch here. I'm the only one who is not excited. I feel bad, like I've been harboring all these bad feelings for him. I mean, come on, he called me a few bad words! Shouldn't I just be over it by now?" He told me I was justified in feeling the way I do and what he did was a big deal and it's going to take a lot of time.

I did agree with Brad that we need to put on the happy face and try to be supportive of the whole thing. He said I should try to be there for my grandma right now... I feel torn about that too. 4 months ago we were talking about Grandpa's verbal abuse and how he scapegoats everything on to me still. She was apologizing for not having need for me 10 years ago. Then Grandpa decided to get baptized and I saw something change in grandma. She went from talk to me about his abuse to defending him! He kept calling Brax by the wrong name, I corrected him and grandma snapped at me... She is also so excited about this. I told Brad, It's like she's completely forgotten that he's still an abusive jerk!

I am still re-try at a whole relationship with him. I don't have high expectations. It's not like his personality is going to change. Brad thinks that Grandpa will start drinking again. I never really thought about that.

I don't care why he is getting baptized. I don't care if he is doing it for all the right reasons, which I don't think he is. It is his life and his choices and consequences. Yet, every time I think about him getting baptized I burst into tears. Not happy tears. Tears I can't even explain...Tears I feel are  coming out of the 18-year-old me for some reason and not the 29-year-old me.

Brad keeps reminding me, "If you think you're emotional now, just wait until Saturday!" Great. I'm going to be a wreck. If it wouldn't completely upset my family, I wouldn't go. I don't want to. I don't want to be there. I don't want to see it. I don't want any part of it. See, I feel like the Grinch again. It's my Grandpa, getting baptized. I should be excited. I should WANT to be there... But I don't. He didn't just call me a few bad names. He nearly destroyed me. He torn me down until I felt completely worthless. Feeling worthless and alone made me suicidal many times between the ages of 15 and 19. I almost ended my life a few times because of what he said to me. It is not a small thing to just get over. I am striving to forgive him. I WANT to forgive him. I'm trying to accept the apology I will never get from him.