My emotions over the past 7 weeks have gone up and down. First crying, a lot. Then trying to magically just forgive him for everything. Next, I didn’t care at all. Lastly I went back to crying and feeling anxiety about the whole thing.
The closer the time got for us to leave to go down to my grandparents house the more anxious I felt. As I tried to pack I got my time to fall apart. I called Brad and told him he needed to call my grandparents and tell them we’re not coming. I told him, “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see it. I just can’t handle it.” My loving husband said, "No. We are going." I sat on my bed and cried. I let myself really feel my emotions. Like I said in my last post, I think it is the 18 year old in me that was still hurting. I pulled myself together and finished packing. Brad told me, Maybe this will be a good thing?
The big day came. Grandpa just wondering around their house he seemed happier. I felt a lot calmer than I expected. I thought I would be a wreck.
The first thing was a musical number. THE song that always makes me cry (see this post). I played with Brax’s hair to distract me/ keep from crying. The first talk was by my cousin on baptism. As he talked about how a new spirit is born I thought back to my thoughts on re-trying at a new relationship with Grandpa. I wanted to go from that time forward thinking of him as a new/ different person. Next was a talk by my aunt. During hers I thought of this quote-
I wanted to try to be a better, more patient mom. I also wanted to try hard to forgive Grandpa. At this point I was doing good on the not crying. Then my aunt talked about the family members who have died, but she felt would be there today, mainly my Mom and her son. (Queue tears!) I never thought of that. I thought, okay Mom, if you’re here then help me get through this!
Next on the program was a song. It was interesting because it was my mom’s favorite hymn and the song that is a part of my comfort kit. I did tear up throughout it, in a good way.
We moved on to the actual baptism. I really thought I would be crazy emotional (in a negative way) and feeling uneasy about the whole thing. I felt so calm and at peace about it all. As he came out of the water he was crying and so was I. It was as if as he was baptized the feelings of complete forgiveness came over me. It was as if all those old feelings of negativity towards him washed away too.
I thought watching him get baptized would be hard. I thought it would hurt. I thought it would tear me up inside... In fact it was very freeing!
He seems nicer without the alcohol. I say “seems” because we didn’t spend a lot of time at my grandparents house/ around him. I spent 29 year being around him drunk, so 4 days with him sober isn’t much time. He seemed happier, friendlier, more interested in my kids! Drunk Grandpa constantly called Brax "Brandon" and never acknowledged if he said the wrong thing. Sober Grandpa called him the wrong name once in those 4 days and instantly realized it and said the right name! What? It still seems weird.
When we left he gave me a hug. Sometimes he does (when we are leaving), sometimes it’s a pat on the back and sometimes it’s just a wave. It was the first time in a looooong time (somewhere between 10 to 20 years!) that I did not cringe! I think... I might be able to even utter the words “I love you too” without wanting to throw up! One of the last times (this was 3 to 4 years ago) he said “I love you” over the phone I hung up on him!
From the time he announced he was getting baptized until it happened I kept feeling like I needed to force myself to magically 100% forgive him. A lot of tears were shed. A lot of mixed emotions were going on. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle seeing him get baptized. The night before I went from completely freaking out about it to feeling at peace about it all. I think my crazy emotions leading up to it were preparing me for the fact that I would feel complete forgive for him once he was baptized.
Now, things still aren’t perfect. Or rather, should I say, he did not magically become perfect. Even though he was baptized he still went shopping on Sunday and he still refuses to go to any part of church other than Sacrament meeting. But you know, it’s not my problem. It’s his life.
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