I've had 7 weeks to prepare for Grandpa's baptism. I feel like I've blinked and it's here. At first the thought of it made me SO emotional. For a while I could not figure out why. Then it hit me, him getting baptized is the end of a chapter. For me to fully support him getting baptized I felt like I needed to more fully forgive him for the abuse.
After I realized this my emotions gave me a nice little break. I kept thinking, Eh, whatever he wants to do, I don't care. Now it is 4 DAYS away and I'm back to crazy emotions!!!
As I sat on our couch looking at our Christmas tree I flashed back to 10 years ago. I had just met Brad, I had also just moved out of my parents house. I was living with my aunt and uncle and I kept having nightmares about being no one wanting me. I felt alone, unloved and mostly unwanted. Then I woke up Christmas morning and much to my surprise my aunt and uncle had gotten me presents as if I was one of their kids. Then the crazy depression hit later the Christmas night... I'll save that for a different post.
After SOLE I was a different person. Somewhere along the way I figured I had just forgiven my Grandpa and had moved on with my life. The truth is, I alienated myself from him. I didn't want a relationship with him. I didn't want anything to do with him. The only reason I kept in contact with him as much as I have is because I now have a great relationship with Grandma. If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't speak to Grandpa at all.
After he announced he was going to be baptized I wanted to start a new page with him. I wanted to re-try at a relationship. After all, he was my best friend from the time I can remember until I was 14 ish...
As I try to prepare myself for his baptism and me trying to more fully forgive him all the words he used to call me run through my mind. No, I don't believe them any more but I guess I'm still struggling to let go of those things.
I am trying to focus on the good in my life. How far I've come in the past 10 years and all. I can't change the past. I can't change what Grandpa said and did. I'm extremely anxious for Saturday. I am not looking forward to my emotions that day! I just want it to be over.
The one phrase that has been on my mind a lot the past 7 weeks, "What are those tears saying?" It's funny the things you get from counseling. The first time around I quit being closed up and stopped saying "I don't know" as my way to not talk about my feelings and emotions. Then when I went to James I learned to really dig deep and evaluate my true feelings as he always asked me, "What are those tears saying?" Tonight they are trying to forgive....
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