Did that really just happen?!?
At my last visit with Grace we talked briefly about my upcoming visit with my grandparents. I told her I never know which version of them am I going to get? Will I get open Grandma who wants to talk and confide in me? Or defensive Grandma who's main goal is to defend grandpa and make excuses for him? Will I get nice grandpa or mean grandpa? I've learned over the years to just roll with the punches. I get whatever version that I get. Sometimes I'd day I even end up with neutral grandma.
So far this trip has been neutral. One of our Christmas traditions is me helping her make white chocolate popcorn, even though I hate the stuff. We were getting ready to start and her aunt called. She went and talked to her aunt, I waited a while and then decided to start without her.
Once she was off the phone she came over and told me, "Sorry, I had to talk to my aunt. Her son died this year and she has no one else to talk to. Sometimes we don't talk about those thing enough, like we did with you girls and your mom's death. It was just too hard. I felt like I was going to cry all the time and I couldn't raise you while crying."
My jaw about hit the floor. It's been 24 years, twenty four... and this is the first time we have talked about my mom's death since the year it happened.
I don't remember what I said, if much at all. We continued talking about her aunt and the struggle she is going through.
When that conversation died down I asked her, "I told you I was going to counseling for the depression, didn't I?" She said yes and asked how it was going. "Good. We actually just finished. We realized that my depression gets worse this time of year." Her response again floored me, "That must be because your mom died this time of year." I told her, yes that is what we figured out.
I really can't believe we just talked about that. I actually LOVE when that happens. It's nice to be able to open up to her and talk to her about things that are never discussed. Oh and she flat out told me grandpa is still drinking!!!! Guess it's not that big of a secret if she is willing to tell me out of the blue.
As we were getting ready to leave Grandma told me, "I am glad we got to talk. We should talk like that more often. Maybe if we talked about these things neither of us would need counseling." Grandpa kind of ruined the moment by coming over and saying, "Yeah, we should talk more too!"
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Last Visit
I had my last visit with Grace.
Even though I'm back on Prozac so much has changed. I think for the most part I have finally started TRYING! It was something Grace said to me a while back, "You can fight this." Just like that it sunk in. I can FIGHT this! I don't have to just give up and just accept it, I can FIGHT it. When the urge comes to just sleep, fight it. When I want to just sit and sulk, fight it. When I want to isolate myself, fight it.
Fighting through it at first it has now become habit. So often before if I were "talking" to someone I didn't engage much. They ask questions, I answered, the end.... Now things are different. I am pushing aside the wanting to isolate myself and I ask questions, I strike up conversations, I try to get to know others better. It is still different, but I love it!
Even though I'm back on Prozac so much has changed. I think for the most part I have finally started TRYING! It was something Grace said to me a while back, "You can fight this." Just like that it sunk in. I can FIGHT this! I don't have to just give up and just accept it, I can FIGHT it. When the urge comes to just sleep, fight it. When I want to just sit and sulk, fight it. When I want to isolate myself, fight it.
Fighting through it at first it has now become habit. So often before if I were "talking" to someone I didn't engage much. They ask questions, I answered, the end.... Now things are different. I am pushing aside the wanting to isolate myself and I ask questions, I strike up conversations, I try to get to know others better. It is still different, but I love it!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
12/16/15
Maybe it's being back on Prozac, maybe it's moving and the new environment, but I have been feeling amazing! I have been stay productive with work. My favorite part, my house is ALWAYS clean! Like all the time. My house is never clean, in the past that is. Somewhere along the way I gave up on it ever being clean. It's just too hard with kids, the depression told me. So I quit trying. While seeing Joy last May/June that was one of the things we talked about. I started trying again and it was pretty good, but never 100%. I was okay with that. Any part clean is better than nothing clean. Now since we moved I have kept this place 100% clean. The dishes are always done too. If we had a washing machine I'm sure I'd be kept up on laundry too.
Today I found myself playing with Brax. Another thing that rarely happened before. The other day we took the dogs on a walk. Which isn't that odd, except it's winter and I hate the cold, but we still did it!
I stay busy all day long without having to force myself to. My only struggle right now is my body still want to sleep 24/7. I have such a hard time getting up in the mornings. I feel like getting up has been worse since moving. Not sure why, but it has!
The past few days I keep thinking how great things are going right now and how good I've been feeling. The only thing giving my anxiety is our dang truck! I've been dreading going to visit my family for Christmas because of my anxiety that it will break down again! Brad jokingly said, No it broke down last time that means we have at least 1 more trip before it breaks down again! And since we just fixed something that gives us 1 to 3 months before something new will break!
Today I found myself playing with Brax. Another thing that rarely happened before. The other day we took the dogs on a walk. Which isn't that odd, except it's winter and I hate the cold, but we still did it!
I stay busy all day long without having to force myself to. My only struggle right now is my body still want to sleep 24/7. I have such a hard time getting up in the mornings. I feel like getting up has been worse since moving. Not sure why, but it has!
The past few days I keep thinking how great things are going right now and how good I've been feeling. The only thing giving my anxiety is our dang truck! I've been dreading going to visit my family for Christmas because of my anxiety that it will break down again! Brad jokingly said, No it broke down last time that means we have at least 1 more trip before it breaks down again! And since we just fixed something that gives us 1 to 3 months before something new will break!
Sunday, December 13, 2015
12/13/15
One of the things I needed to do between sessions with Grace was talk to my new bishop. Several months ago while I was still seeing Joy and I needed to talk to my current Bishop I made Brad do all the talking. I was not looking forward to doing this (or forcing Brad to) all over again!
Thankfully I had 2 weeks in between to do it. The first week was our first day in the ward and I was feeling overwhelmed enough. The second week I knew I had to do it then! After Sacrament meeting we went to our Bishops office to see if we (I) could talk to him. At the time he was busy, but we ended up talking to his counselors for a while. While waiting we were asked to speak in sacrament meeting in a few weeks on the Atonement.
We were about to set a time to come back after church when the bishop walked by and asked if we wanted to talk to him. We went into his office and I was hoping Brad would once again do all the talking for me, but he didn't. It was actually a good thing. I did open up to out new bishop, Bishop H and it went well. He seems very laid back and was okay with everything going on. He also seemed to know/ get how the whole counseling thing works. Years ago with Bishop E he was so weird about it I was convinced I was the first person he had ever met or dealt with counseling before.
All in all, I'm glad I did talk to him and things went well.
Thankfully I had 2 weeks in between to do it. The first week was our first day in the ward and I was feeling overwhelmed enough. The second week I knew I had to do it then! After Sacrament meeting we went to our Bishops office to see if we (I) could talk to him. At the time he was busy, but we ended up talking to his counselors for a while. While waiting we were asked to speak in sacrament meeting in a few weeks on the Atonement.
We were about to set a time to come back after church when the bishop walked by and asked if we wanted to talk to him. We went into his office and I was hoping Brad would once again do all the talking for me, but he didn't. It was actually a good thing. I did open up to out new bishop, Bishop H and it went well. He seems very laid back and was okay with everything going on. He also seemed to know/ get how the whole counseling thing works. Years ago with Bishop E he was so weird about it I was convinced I was the first person he had ever met or dealt with counseling before.
All in all, I'm glad I did talk to him and things went well.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
12/6/15
How things are going...
I have a really hard time socially. I always have. I'm part shy, part quiet, part closed up, part antisocial. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I really do. I struggle with new people and groups of people. Put the two together and it's very overwhelming. The number thing I hate about moving into a new ward at church is people. It’s so hard for me to open up to new people. I don’t like meeting new people or talking to them. Heck, I didn't want to open up to Grace the first time I met her, yet I did and it has been great.
When we were talking about how I struggle socially she told me about something to try. When you are going something hard carry a (hardware) washer with you and rub it for strength. The funny thing is I used to do that with my mom’s necklace! I remember when I gave Joy the letter I sat there rubbing it. I also feel connected to my mom through rubbing it.
I still have to talk to my new bishop. Being in counseling and moving is the worst! I wasn't dreading it that much and then I remembered what happened last time we moved while I was seeing James. It was so bad, I never want to deal with that again. So now I am willed with the fear that my new bishop, Bishop H, will be anti-counseling and rude just like Bishop S was!
I have a huge fear of rejection. Grace told me that most people do. I never thought of that before. She told me to look at this way- when you are talking to someone they fear rejection also, they want others to like them too.
Grace and I also talked about being an introvert vs. extrovert. We talked about (this) and how it isn't about outgoing vs. shy, it's where you get your energy from.
"Introverts (or those of us with introverted tendencies) tend to recharge by spending time alone. They lose energy from being around people for long periods of time, particularly large crowds.
Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from other people. Extroverts actually find their energy is sapped when they spend too much time alone. They recharge by being social."
—Beth Belle Cooper
Being an introvert doesn’t mean you always want to be alone or with others. There are time I want to be with others or talk to people. I love spending time time my husband or friends. I 100% get my energy from being alone! In fact Brad goes to bed about 2 hours before me. Not just because he has to wake up before me, but I need alone time at the end of the night! If I go to a party or gathering I usually come home drained because of all the people! I do enjoy it though, it just exhausts me!
We talked about my stress levels- Prozac is working great. I used to think that an anti-depressant numbed you, thus I refused to take them. I heard that it just masks all emotions and makes you unable
to feel. It is so not true at all. It makes me feel normal. I feel like I can feel negative emotions,
positive emotions, feel them when I need to, but also don’t have all the negativity/ depression
weighing me down.
I’m trying to just let what is going on with Grandpa be what it is. I can’t change things. I can’t
control anything. It is what it is. Yes, I am sad he didn’t truly change and that is okay. It's his problem.
I'm up to 4 positive things, out of 10. I'm getting there. At first I thought I would come up with them much faster/ easier then this. I didn't think it would be so hard. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm making sure I am 100% sure of an item/ word before I commit to it!
As I was leaving I mentioned that I’m feeling a little anxious about the anniversary of my mom’s
death coming up. It’s in just over a week, which will be between sessions.
We started moving 2 weeks ago. With Thanksgiving it was kinda crazy, but we finished and love it here! Maybe it's the new place or being on Prozac without repercussions, but I've been staying motivated! That never happens! My house is staying clean, I'm staying productive, dishes are (almost) always done, I spend less time watching TV and sitting on the couch. In fact I was sitting on the couch watching tv, which I always done once the kids are in bed, and I noticed the overflowing sink of dishes. I didn't want to, but I went in there and did them all! I feel so much better about myself and my house just by doing that!
I have a really hard time socially. I always have. I'm part shy, part quiet, part closed up, part antisocial. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I really do. I struggle with new people and groups of people. Put the two together and it's very overwhelming. The number thing I hate about moving into a new ward at church is people. It’s so hard for me to open up to new people. I don’t like meeting new people or talking to them. Heck, I didn't want to open up to Grace the first time I met her, yet I did and it has been great.
I still have to talk to my new bishop. Being in counseling and moving is the worst! I wasn't dreading it that much and then I remembered what happened last time we moved while I was seeing James. It was so bad, I never want to deal with that again. So now I am willed with the fear that my new bishop, Bishop H, will be anti-counseling and rude just like Bishop S was!
I have a huge fear of rejection. Grace told me that most people do. I never thought of that before. She told me to look at this way- when you are talking to someone they fear rejection also, they want others to like them too.
Grace and I also talked about being an introvert vs. extrovert. We talked about (this) and how it isn't about outgoing vs. shy, it's where you get your energy from.
"Introverts (or those of us with introverted tendencies) tend to recharge by spending time alone. They lose energy from being around people for long periods of time, particularly large crowds.
Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from other people. Extroverts actually find their energy is sapped when they spend too much time alone. They recharge by being social."
—Beth Belle Cooper
Being an introvert doesn’t mean you always want to be alone or with others. There are time I want to be with others or talk to people. I love spending time time my husband or friends. I 100% get my energy from being alone! In fact Brad goes to bed about 2 hours before me. Not just because he has to wake up before me, but I need alone time at the end of the night! If I go to a party or gathering I usually come home drained because of all the people! I do enjoy it though, it just exhausts me!
We talked about my stress levels- Prozac is working great. I used to think that an anti-depressant numbed you, thus I refused to take them. I heard that it just masks all emotions and makes you unable
to feel. It is so not true at all. It makes me feel normal. I feel like I can feel negative emotions,
positive emotions, feel them when I need to, but also don’t have all the negativity/ depression
weighing me down.
I’m trying to just let what is going on with Grandpa be what it is. I can’t change things. I can’t
control anything. It is what it is. Yes, I am sad he didn’t truly change and that is okay. It's his problem.
I'm up to 4 positive things, out of 10. I'm getting there. At first I thought I would come up with them much faster/ easier then this. I didn't think it would be so hard. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I'm making sure I am 100% sure of an item/ word before I commit to it!
As I was leaving I mentioned that I’m feeling a little anxious about the anniversary of my mom’s
death coming up. It’s in just over a week, which will be between sessions.
We started moving 2 weeks ago. With Thanksgiving it was kinda crazy, but we finished and love it here! Maybe it's the new place or being on Prozac without repercussions, but I've been staying motivated! That never happens! My house is staying clean, I'm staying productive, dishes are (almost) always done, I spend less time watching TV and sitting on the couch. In fact I was sitting on the couch watching tv, which I always done once the kids are in bed, and I noticed the overflowing sink of dishes. I didn't want to, but I went in there and did them all! I feel so much better about myself and my house just by doing that!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
12/1/15
For Thanksgiving we usually go and spend the weekend with Brad’s family, but with his parents in Georgia this year we aren’t. We figured we’d just spend it with my family. Our plans kept changing and changing and going back and forth. It finally came down to the fact that we were moving the Tuesday before, we decided we would just stay home and do nothing. Then one week before my sister texted me inviting us to spend it with them. The last time I talked to my grandma about it she said it would just be us and them and I wasn’t too thrilled about that idea. Once my sister invited us to spend it with them and our grandparents I was rather excited!
A few days later our truck, of course, started acting up again! A light kept popping up saying the battery was dying while we were driving. It wasn’t acting funny so we ignored it. Want to guess what happened on our way to my grandparent’s house? Yep, 30 miles outside of town at 10:30 at night we broke down! I took it all surprisingly well. I actually found it pretty funny! On Wellbutrin it would have felt like the end of the world. Thankfully I’ve been off it for 2 to 3 weeks now.
We weighed our options. 1) Call a tow truck- no way. 2) Hayley’s husband come help us- he was at
work 3) Brad’s brother come pick us up- okay, but he can’t tow the truck so we would have
to go all the way back out there to fix it Or 4) Hayley’s brother could come tow us- that works. I happened to be talking to Hayley as the truck was dying. It took us a while to figure out what we wanted to do, but we decided it would be best if Hayley’s brother could just tow the truck to my grandparents that way we could just fix it. Needless to say it was so hard to get our dead truck up
onto the trailer we got to my grandparent's house at 4 am!!!
Brad thought/ knew what was wrong with the truck and thankfully there was an auto parts store open on Thanksgiving. Brad pulled the part and he and my grandpa took it in to make sure it was broken before buying a new one. Low and behold it tested fine and didn’t appear to be broken. Brad put it back in and the truck ran just fine. We tried and tried to force it to act up again, but it didn’t. I was back to normal! Okay, what a weird fluke!
We had a great Thanksgiving. The food was wonderful. My kids love playing with their cousin’s and didn’t want to leave. I was actually sad that we had to cut our trip short because of the move. We needed to get home to finished moving our furniture and all that fun stuff.
This trip Grandpa was being really nice and “normal”. It got me reflecting on my pre-teen years when we were best friends and there was no abuse. Back then he also only drank 1 glass of wine with dinner. I kept thinking, He must be sober because he is being SO nice! I guess I have a love/hate relationship with him being nice. I love it but at the same time I know it isn’t going to last forever.
On our way home we were 45 minutes away when the truck started acting up again! Are you kidding me? This is when I lost it! I just can’t handle this... We got to a store that had the part the same time they were closing! They were great and were willing to stay open to help us. Of course now the part showed that it was broken, which would have been way too easy for it to do that the first time! Brad goes to buy it, but we don’t have enough money! Imagine me completely freaking out because we had to drive home knowing that at any given second the truck could brake down on us AGAIN!
For some reason right then Brad decided it was the right time to tell me something. He told me he has known for a few months now, but didn’t want to tell me, but also doesn’t want to hide it from me... he has seen empty wine containers in my parents trash can. I thought having proof would make me happy. Instead my stomach dropped and I started crying. I had hoped that he had really, deep down had changed and stopped drinking. I didn’t believe he had, but there was still that hope. Maybe I was just imaging him acting drunk, maybe he hadn’t drank since before He was baptized after all. Just maybe. Deep down I knew I would keep drinking. I KNEW I had smelled alcohol on his breath in the past 2 years. I KNEW his behaviors were that of when he had been drinking. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it either, that he really still is. It made me so sad to know that he really, truly is! At the same time I kept saying, “I knew it! I could just tell He really was and I was right!” Part of me was happy that I was actually right. I didn’t imagine it or his behaviors! I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Sad he hasn't really changed, but happy that I didn't imagine him acting that way.
One of the most frustrating part is that I just don't get it. I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing. I wish I could just tell him to pick one way or the other. Before he joined the church he would drink and shop on Sunday and do whatever he wanted to do, okay no big deal. Then he decided to finally make that commitment at almost 80-years-old, okay that's awesome. Except that he wants to have to both ways. He wants to be an active LDS member of the church who takes the sacrament each Sunday, but also drink and do whatever he wants to do. I know I will never understand. I will never know why. I just wish that if he wasn't going change his life at all then he wouldn't have bothered even getting baptized.
In case you are wondering, we did make it home without breaking down yet again! We got the new part and the truck is running, for now!
I have been back on Prozac for 2 weeks now. I am doing so well on it! I have been sleeping great and feeling great. Today I felt so productive! There are time where I struggle to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. Today I didn’t even touch the couch until 6 pm.
A few days later our truck, of course, started acting up again! A light kept popping up saying the battery was dying while we were driving. It wasn’t acting funny so we ignored it. Want to guess what happened on our way to my grandparent’s house? Yep, 30 miles outside of town at 10:30 at night we broke down! I took it all surprisingly well. I actually found it pretty funny! On Wellbutrin it would have felt like the end of the world. Thankfully I’ve been off it for 2 to 3 weeks now.
We weighed our options. 1) Call a tow truck- no way. 2) Hayley’s husband come help us- he was at
work 3) Brad’s brother come pick us up- okay, but he can’t tow the truck so we would have
to go all the way back out there to fix it Or 4) Hayley’s brother could come tow us- that works. I happened to be talking to Hayley as the truck was dying. It took us a while to figure out what we wanted to do, but we decided it would be best if Hayley’s brother could just tow the truck to my grandparents that way we could just fix it. Needless to say it was so hard to get our dead truck up
onto the trailer we got to my grandparent's house at 4 am!!!
Brad thought/ knew what was wrong with the truck and thankfully there was an auto parts store open on Thanksgiving. Brad pulled the part and he and my grandpa took it in to make sure it was broken before buying a new one. Low and behold it tested fine and didn’t appear to be broken. Brad put it back in and the truck ran just fine. We tried and tried to force it to act up again, but it didn’t. I was back to normal! Okay, what a weird fluke!
We had a great Thanksgiving. The food was wonderful. My kids love playing with their cousin’s and didn’t want to leave. I was actually sad that we had to cut our trip short because of the move. We needed to get home to finished moving our furniture and all that fun stuff.
This trip Grandpa was being really nice and “normal”. It got me reflecting on my pre-teen years when we were best friends and there was no abuse. Back then he also only drank 1 glass of wine with dinner. I kept thinking, He must be sober because he is being SO nice! I guess I have a love/hate relationship with him being nice. I love it but at the same time I know it isn’t going to last forever.
On our way home we were 45 minutes away when the truck started acting up again! Are you kidding me? This is when I lost it! I just can’t handle this... We got to a store that had the part the same time they were closing! They were great and were willing to stay open to help us. Of course now the part showed that it was broken, which would have been way too easy for it to do that the first time! Brad goes to buy it, but we don’t have enough money! Imagine me completely freaking out because we had to drive home knowing that at any given second the truck could brake down on us AGAIN!
For some reason right then Brad decided it was the right time to tell me something. He told me he has known for a few months now, but didn’t want to tell me, but also doesn’t want to hide it from me... he has seen empty wine containers in my parents trash can. I thought having proof would make me happy. Instead my stomach dropped and I started crying. I had hoped that he had really, deep down had changed and stopped drinking. I didn’t believe he had, but there was still that hope. Maybe I was just imaging him acting drunk, maybe he hadn’t drank since before He was baptized after all. Just maybe. Deep down I knew I would keep drinking. I KNEW I had smelled alcohol on his breath in the past 2 years. I KNEW his behaviors were that of when he had been drinking. Maybe I didn’t want to believe it either, that he really still is. It made me so sad to know that he really, truly is! At the same time I kept saying, “I knew it! I could just tell He really was and I was right!” Part of me was happy that I was actually right. I didn’t imagine it or his behaviors! I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Sad he hasn't really changed, but happy that I didn't imagine him acting that way.
One of the most frustrating part is that I just don't get it. I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing. I wish I could just tell him to pick one way or the other. Before he joined the church he would drink and shop on Sunday and do whatever he wanted to do, okay no big deal. Then he decided to finally make that commitment at almost 80-years-old, okay that's awesome. Except that he wants to have to both ways. He wants to be an active LDS member of the church who takes the sacrament each Sunday, but also drink and do whatever he wants to do. I know I will never understand. I will never know why. I just wish that if he wasn't going change his life at all then he wouldn't have bothered even getting baptized.
In case you are wondering, we did make it home without breaking down yet again! We got the new part and the truck is running, for now!
I have been back on Prozac for 2 weeks now. I am doing so well on it! I have been sleeping great and feeling great. Today I felt so productive! There are time where I struggle to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. Today I didn’t even touch the couch until 6 pm.
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