Do you ever feel like everything always goes wrong? Nothing seems to go right, ever!
This is how I have felt for so very long. When my doctor agreed to do a hysterectomy, without me even having to fight for it, I was shocked. Things moved along fast and smoothly. Then I had my bump in the road, I got a cold. I got over it so fast, which never happens. I kept waiting for something to go really wrong.
An hour before surgery I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant! I was freaking out that it would come out positive, it didn't! Don't get me wrong, I would be happy I was pregnant, but bummed I couldn't move forward with the hysterectomy as planned. The surgery did start an hour late. Everything went great. Nothing at all went wrong.
I also had this fear that my doctor would tell me my uterus was in perfect condition and there was no reason I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant. I feared if I heard that I would regret getting the hysterectomy. I felt like if I knew that I would always live with these "what if's". What if we waited a few months and I was able to get pregnant in that time? Needless to say I was happy the next morning when my doctor told me, "It was nasty! Normally I can cut through them like butter, not yours. It was just horrible." I couldn't have been happier hearing that.
I've been in less pain than I anticipated, also surprising. I have been sore, but not that bad.
Everything went so smoothly, so perfectly. For the first time in a long time everything has been perfect!
Monday, September 28, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
9/26/2015
I realized something recently after a visit with Grace. In dealing with the depression and seeing both Joy and Grace, they both discussed changing my thought process. One big difference I've found is with Joy it was more about pinpointing the negative thoughts and getting rid of them. I didn't realize how many negative thoughts I had! It did make a difference once I realized what they were and how often they came. Now with Grace, I've noticed her approach is more from a positive side. Realize what my positive qualities are and in this last visit we talked about changing my distorted thoughts. We went through this list and picked things I want to/ need to work on and how to change these thoughts. For me, it has been a lot easier to replace the negative ones then try to dismiss them all together.
(sorry this picture turned out horrible, I'll replace it with a readable one soon!)
My first one on the list is Disqualifying the positive. It doesn't matter how many compliments people can give me, I always brush it off as nothing. I think maybe my problem is that I just don't even know how to respond. Growing up I didn't get positive compliments or any sort of validation. Everything was always negative, or I didn't do it good enough. On my way home I thought of something that happened when I was 16. I used to love photography. It was my life. I loved photographing nature. While on a vacation I took a picture of a water lily that was in this bucket, I think we were at a zoo. A month of so later I submitted this picture I took into this high school photography contest for our school district. The picture got 3rd place in it's category. It might not sounds like it was much, but it was a big deal. Want to know one of the main things I remember about that, Grandpa telling me, "You should have picked that dead leaf off the plant before taking the picture."
Okay, now let me back up to during my visit with Grace. We talked about how I disqualify positive comments/ compliments. It really sunk in when Grace asked me, "Do you ever give a positive compliment and NOT mean it?" I thought about it and realized, no I don't! When I say something like that, I always mean it. Which was her point. Someone doesn't go out of their way to give you a compliment unless they really mean it. I never thought about it like that! How to replace this distortion is instead of brushing it off, say Thank you.
Let me bring up one other thing I struggle with. I have this constant paranoia that people don't like me/ don't even realize I exist. At the same time I want people to like me and acknowledge me. So that bring me to tonight. We were at a ward party and as some people were leaving a lady came over and said, "If I don't talk to you before then, good luck with your surgery!" I thought, okay now I get to actually try out this not disqualifying it thing. I smiled and told her thanks. She said something else, but my mind was a blur because I actually did it. My normal way I respond to compliments is "okay". No really, it is! In fact when Grace said the same thing to me, my response was okay! This lady continued and said something else (don't ask what, my mind was still kind of spinning) that was nice/ positive and I again said thanks. As she walked away I realized that I actually felt like she cared! That never happens to me! I felt good and I felt like she actually meant it and cared, that's a first for me. Instead of brushing it off like I used to do and it leaving no real effect on me, this time saying thanks and not dismissing it made a huge difference!
Friday, September 18, 2015
9/18/2015
Everything was going along so smoothly with my hysterectomy. So smoothly that I was just waiting for something to go wrong!
Day 1) I decided I was 100% ready for a hysterectomy. Called and made a doctors appointment.
Day 2) Saw Dr. P and got my referral for Dr. B
Day 3) Called Dr. B's office and got appointment
Day 9) Appointment with Dr. B, now to just set a date.
Day 15) Dr. B's office calls and sets date for Day 27!!!! They call my insurance to make sure they will cover it, I thought for sure they would fight it, after all I've only been covered by them for 3 months. Nope, no problem there they will cover it (well, 70% of it!)
Day 16) Pre-op ultrasound
Day 18) I wake up with a sore throat, I pass it off as I forgot my allergy medication the day before. By the end of the day I realize it is not going away and this is a cold!
I had read in one of the many articles I researched that even a cold can postpone surgery. I of course am freaking out! No, it is so close, I will NOT postpone it! Hayley happened to be visiting and she is all about the essential oils! She told me which ones to use to help. I seriously did everything under the sun- essential oils, cold medicine, Netti Pot, lots of juice and water, lots of rest. When I get a cold it always hits me hard. It last for weeks! It started 9 days before surgery, there was no way it would be gone in time.
Needless to say, this has been my mildest and shortest cold EVER. Last night as I was thinking about this I though, nothing in my life ever goes smoothly, something always goes wrong. Things were going so well of course Heavenly Father had to throw me this bump in the road. It wasn't going to mess up my plans, but boy was I worried it would. I'm not usually the most optimistic person, but from the second I realized it was a cold I was determined that I would be better before my surgery! Somehow, someway I would force myself to be better in time! And I am!
5 days to go....
At 3 days to go I had my appointment with the pre-op nurse. She asked me so many questions about my cold, she had this look on her face like she wanted to postpone surgery, but I convinced her it was gone!
Not gonna lie, I still had a little cough when I went in for surgery. Oddly enough afterwards my cough was completely gone!
Day 1) I decided I was 100% ready for a hysterectomy. Called and made a doctors appointment.
Day 2) Saw Dr. P and got my referral for Dr. B
Day 3) Called Dr. B's office and got appointment
Day 9) Appointment with Dr. B, now to just set a date.
Day 15) Dr. B's office calls and sets date for Day 27!!!! They call my insurance to make sure they will cover it, I thought for sure they would fight it, after all I've only been covered by them for 3 months. Nope, no problem there they will cover it (well, 70% of it!)
Day 16) Pre-op ultrasound
Day 18) I wake up with a sore throat, I pass it off as I forgot my allergy medication the day before. By the end of the day I realize it is not going away and this is a cold!
I had read in one of the many articles I researched that even a cold can postpone surgery. I of course am freaking out! No, it is so close, I will NOT postpone it! Hayley happened to be visiting and she is all about the essential oils! She told me which ones to use to help. I seriously did everything under the sun- essential oils, cold medicine, Netti Pot, lots of juice and water, lots of rest. When I get a cold it always hits me hard. It last for weeks! It started 9 days before surgery, there was no way it would be gone in time.
Needless to say, this has been my mildest and shortest cold EVER. Last night as I was thinking about this I though, nothing in my life ever goes smoothly, something always goes wrong. Things were going so well of course Heavenly Father had to throw me this bump in the road. It wasn't going to mess up my plans, but boy was I worried it would. I'm not usually the most optimistic person, but from the second I realized it was a cold I was determined that I would be better before my surgery! Somehow, someway I would force myself to be better in time! And I am!
5 days to go....
At 3 days to go I had my appointment with the pre-op nurse. She asked me so many questions about my cold, she had this look on her face like she wanted to postpone surgery, but I convinced her it was gone!
Not gonna lie, I still had a little cough when I went in for surgery. Oddly enough afterwards my cough was completely gone!
Friday, September 11, 2015
9/11/15
Over 6 years ago I was sitting my in doctors office begging him for a hysterectomy. He said no! As much as I have wanted one, I haven't dared ask for one since. Just over a year ago we started moving in that direction. My doctor, family physician, said he would give me a referral once we got health insurance. Last week I went back to him and got my referral! I just left the OBGN's office. I was so nervous he would tell me no yet again! I went there prepared to fight for a hysterectomy. I was expecting him to want to try something else, or hesitate. He literally walked in the room, looked at my paperwork and said, "You want a hysterectomy and you've adopted 2 kids. Okay, this is the type of hysterectomy I'll be doing and this is what the recovery will be like." I couldn't stop smiling. This is really happening!?!?!? I still can't believe it.
Things have been moving along so smoothly I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I had my pre-op ultrasounds yesterday. Surgery is in just over a week! I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas! I can not wait. I have to restrain myself from packing my bag for the hospital so soon.
I'm mostly still in shock.This is really, really, really happening? I've been struggling with this for 19 years! Now every time I get cramps or my bleeding is bad it feels amplified because I know the end is sooooo near!
Things have been moving along so smoothly I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I had my pre-op ultrasounds yesterday. Surgery is in just over a week! I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas! I can not wait. I have to restrain myself from packing my bag for the hospital so soon.
I'm mostly still in shock.This is really, really, really happening? I've been struggling with this for 19 years! Now every time I get cramps or my bleeding is bad it feels amplified because I know the end is sooooo near!
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
9/8/15
So today Grandpa got the Melchizedek Priesthood. I was anxious about it. I thought that would be a great next step in my whole healing/ forgiving process. I was totally fine with it until it was happening. All of a sudden I was filled with this hurting again. I didn't feel mad at him at all. I wasn't upset that he was getting this priesthood. I just felt hurt and struggling not to lose it during the whole thing. All I wanted to do was be alone and cry, which I am doing now. I am so ready to head home. I know my kids are not going to want to leave, which makes it that much harder to leave.
The weird part for me was the fact that Grandpa was ordained (am I even using the right word?) in the same office that was Bishop W's and also Bishop C. And, guess what? Bishop C was there! I couldn't help but sit there and wonder, does he remember? It was over 11 years ago when I told him about the abuse I was going through at the hands of Grandpa. And now here we are, in his same office that I told him those things, ordaining Grandpa an Elder in the church.
I feel bad saying it or thinking it, but I'm sure it is normal... Part of me feels like Heavenly Father should be mad at Grandpa for hurting me. As my cousin (whom I love dearly) was blessing him he said that God loves him. It reminded me that God loves everyone perfectly. He loves Grandpa just as much as he loves me, even though he has done bad things.
It was also interesting that the Youth Speaker talked about keep going. She said, when you feel like you can't take another step, like you can't keep going anymore, you do and that's when you grow the most.
Yesterday I posted a song along with the lyrics. I heard this song for the first time just a few weeks ago and it quickly became one of my new favorites.
On Sunday after the emotional ups and down I had a lot of time to think. Driving is one of my favorite places to just think. This song came on and as I was thinking about it and about my Grandpa I started to see things in a new light. As I heard, "Even when you're broken He's gonna love you" I all of a sudden pictured Grandpa as the "broken" one. It has been interesting as I have started to see Grandpa in this new light, as him as the broken one and as him being loved just as much as I am.
The weird part for me was the fact that Grandpa was ordained (am I even using the right word?) in the same office that was Bishop W's and also Bishop C. And, guess what? Bishop C was there! I couldn't help but sit there and wonder, does he remember? It was over 11 years ago when I told him about the abuse I was going through at the hands of Grandpa. And now here we are, in his same office that I told him those things, ordaining Grandpa an Elder in the church.
I feel bad saying it or thinking it, but I'm sure it is normal... Part of me feels like Heavenly Father should be mad at Grandpa for hurting me. As my cousin (whom I love dearly) was blessing him he said that God loves him. It reminded me that God loves everyone perfectly. He loves Grandpa just as much as he loves me, even though he has done bad things.
It was also interesting that the Youth Speaker talked about keep going. She said, when you feel like you can't take another step, like you can't keep going anymore, you do and that's when you grow the most.
Yesterday I posted a song along with the lyrics. I heard this song for the first time just a few weeks ago and it quickly became one of my new favorites.
On Sunday after the emotional ups and down I had a lot of time to think. Driving is one of my favorite places to just think. This song came on and as I was thinking about it and about my Grandpa I started to see things in a new light. As I heard, "Even when you're broken He's gonna love you" I all of a sudden pictured Grandpa as the "broken" one. It has been interesting as I have started to see Grandpa in this new light, as him as the broken one and as him being loved just as much as I am.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
9/5/15
I'm sitting in my childhood bedroom wondering WHY on earth I thought it would be okay to come visit without Brad. I've been here 2 hours and I already regret it!!!!
1) Em told Grandma, "My brother is always telling me what to do!"
Grandma, "That is just how men are!"
I literally bit my lip to not say something. So many things ran through my mind. I feel sorry for her that she believes that men are just controlling in nature. I hope Brad and I raise our daughter, and son, not to believe that! Also, how on earth did I NOT marry someone controlling and abusive?!?!?
2) My sweet little Brax likes to be super naughty when Brad isn't around. We went to store #2 and he would not listen to me. I always get down to my kids level, look them in the eye and talk to them. I told him that if he didn't start listening to me then we would go home. A few minutes later he hit me. I told Grandma, "I don't think we're going to be here more then 3 hours!" Her response, I'm overreacting! I flat out told her, "My son just HIT me. That is unacceptable behavior!"
3) At least once every 20 to 30 minutes she will give me dirty looks because of my parenting. I'm left here thinking, "Am I the horrible mother here?". No, no I am NOT. I am a good mom!
4) Grandma tells me, "Brax has a mean streak in him!" Me, "He just doesn't like to listen when Brad isn't around." Grandma, "I think he needs counseling!" He has no remorse for misbehaving!" Me, "Um, he is 4! He is just fine!" Seriously, I'm confused here. He hits me and she tells me I'm overreacting. Then she tells me he needs counseling because of his behavior?!?
Uggg. I'm so not going to make it 4 whole days!!!!
1) Em told Grandma, "My brother is always telling me what to do!"
Grandma, "That is just how men are!"
I literally bit my lip to not say something. So many things ran through my mind. I feel sorry for her that she believes that men are just controlling in nature. I hope Brad and I raise our daughter, and son, not to believe that! Also, how on earth did I NOT marry someone controlling and abusive?!?!?
2) My sweet little Brax likes to be super naughty when Brad isn't around. We went to store #2 and he would not listen to me. I always get down to my kids level, look them in the eye and talk to them. I told him that if he didn't start listening to me then we would go home. A few minutes later he hit me. I told Grandma, "I don't think we're going to be here more then 3 hours!" Her response, I'm overreacting! I flat out told her, "My son just HIT me. That is unacceptable behavior!"
3) At least once every 20 to 30 minutes she will give me dirty looks because of my parenting. I'm left here thinking, "Am I the horrible mother here?". No, no I am NOT. I am a good mom!
4) Grandma tells me, "Brax has a mean streak in him!" Me, "He just doesn't like to listen when Brad isn't around." Grandma, "I think he needs counseling!" He has no remorse for misbehaving!" Me, "Um, he is 4! He is just fine!" Seriously, I'm confused here. He hits me and she tells me I'm overreacting. Then she tells me he needs counseling because of his behavior?!?
Uggg. I'm so not going to make it 4 whole days!!!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
9/1/15
I never did share something that happened a few days ago. I guess I've hesitated on sharing because I feel deep shame about my negative thoughts and then I fear people will think badly about me for my thoughts and feelings. I need to brush those feelings aside and open up anyways. I'll start from the beginning.
For the past year now I've been living in this constant state of anxiety, always worrying "what bad is going to happened next?" When our truck broke down for the second time we had no money to fix it and my husbands car was also broke down. Ever since then my anxiety has been through the roof. We got it all fixed and I started to relax a little and what would happen, it broke down again. From the second my husband told me, my anxiety has been horrible!
My thoughts have been:
Great, another trial! Seriously having to put $2,500 into a car in 1 year is rough enough, now Heavenly Father expects us to do it all over again? I've can't handle this! We'll fix it and then what, a week later it will be broken down AGAIN. How much it is going to cost us to fix it this time?
It was broken down for 2 1/2 weeks and since I was planning on going out of town it needed to be fixed ASAP. Brad, thanks to our neighbor's help, thought he figured out the problem. He bought the new part and put it in and nothing... nothing happened. I broke down. I can't do this. I can't do this all over again. Why does Heavenly Father expect so much from me? Why can't things go right for just a little while, and no I don't count the 5 months between fixing the truck and it breaking down again a decent break! I seriously offered my husband $50 if he can keep that truck from breaking down for at least 12 months! We'll see.
As my emotions spiraled into rock bottom all I could think was, I'm done. The past 30 years of my life has been 1 trial after another. I don't even have time to catch my breath before another trial comes up. I look at others and it seems like they don't have any trials and never have. I'm serious my mother-in-law hasn't! Yet I am asked to take on so much. It is too much. I can not handle any more. I went to the bathroom and cried. I couldn't help by think, if this is what my life is going to be like, one trial after another without time for me to even catch my breath, then I'm done. I can't keep doing this. I kept telling God that he needed to magically fix our truck because I could NOT handle this.
Now this is the part that I feel so ashamed that I even thought, but I need to share it, it's part of my story and part of who I am. As I sat in the bathroom thinking that life is never, ever, going to be trial free for me I started to wonder... If I were to take all the Wellbutrin I have, what would it do to me? I kept trying to push that crazy thought out of my mind. Minutes later Brad came into our room and told me, "I am going to take the truck to get more gas in it. Tomorrow can you go to Auto Zone and get a new one of these?" I instantly started laughing and crying, "WHAT?" Brad explained that he decided to check something else and found another problem, which might have been the only problem we just didn't know it and found a way to fix it.
After he left to get more gas in the truck all I could think was that God really is so aware of all the little things going on in our lives. When I was thinking I couldn't take it any more and that God needed to magically fix our truck, he kind of did! Now, I'm still having major anxiety about the dumb truck because it is still acting up, but hey it is running just not perfectly! Now I need a break. A very, very long break!
You hear me, PLEASE oh please give me just 12 months of no trials. Can we do that? Just 12 months of a break. Please?
For the past year now I've been living in this constant state of anxiety, always worrying "what bad is going to happened next?" When our truck broke down for the second time we had no money to fix it and my husbands car was also broke down. Ever since then my anxiety has been through the roof. We got it all fixed and I started to relax a little and what would happen, it broke down again. From the second my husband told me, my anxiety has been horrible!
My thoughts have been:
Great, another trial! Seriously having to put $2,500 into a car in 1 year is rough enough, now Heavenly Father expects us to do it all over again? I've can't handle this! We'll fix it and then what, a week later it will be broken down AGAIN. How much it is going to cost us to fix it this time?
It was broken down for 2 1/2 weeks and since I was planning on going out of town it needed to be fixed ASAP. Brad, thanks to our neighbor's help, thought he figured out the problem. He bought the new part and put it in and nothing... nothing happened. I broke down. I can't do this. I can't do this all over again. Why does Heavenly Father expect so much from me? Why can't things go right for just a little while, and no I don't count the 5 months between fixing the truck and it breaking down again a decent break! I seriously offered my husband $50 if he can keep that truck from breaking down for at least 12 months! We'll see.
As my emotions spiraled into rock bottom all I could think was, I'm done. The past 30 years of my life has been 1 trial after another. I don't even have time to catch my breath before another trial comes up. I look at others and it seems like they don't have any trials and never have. I'm serious my mother-in-law hasn't! Yet I am asked to take on so much. It is too much. I can not handle any more. I went to the bathroom and cried. I couldn't help by think, if this is what my life is going to be like, one trial after another without time for me to even catch my breath, then I'm done. I can't keep doing this. I kept telling God that he needed to magically fix our truck because I could NOT handle this.
Now this is the part that I feel so ashamed that I even thought, but I need to share it, it's part of my story and part of who I am. As I sat in the bathroom thinking that life is never, ever, going to be trial free for me I started to wonder... If I were to take all the Wellbutrin I have, what would it do to me? I kept trying to push that crazy thought out of my mind. Minutes later Brad came into our room and told me, "I am going to take the truck to get more gas in it. Tomorrow can you go to Auto Zone and get a new one of these?" I instantly started laughing and crying, "WHAT?" Brad explained that he decided to check something else and found another problem, which might have been the only problem we just didn't know it and found a way to fix it.
After he left to get more gas in the truck all I could think was that God really is so aware of all the little things going on in our lives. When I was thinking I couldn't take it any more and that God needed to magically fix our truck, he kind of did! Now, I'm still having major anxiety about the dumb truck because it is still acting up, but hey it is running just not perfectly! Now I need a break. A very, very long break!
You hear me, PLEASE oh please give me just 12 months of no trials. Can we do that? Just 12 months of a break. Please?
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