10/27/2003

After I cut the first time I decided that I never wanted to cut again. I made it almost 4 months! After Saturday night when I cut, I didn’t really think about if I was or was not going to do it again. Saturday I really thought about it, I picked up the blade and just held it and looked at it. Then I cut once and didn’t see any blood, so I cut again and squeezed my arm until I saw some blood. Then Sunday, I’m not ever sure why, but I decided to cut again. I just picked up the blade & started taking out all my anger by cutting over and over again. I stopped for a second & didn’t see much blood, so I cut about 2 to 3 more times. Then I sat there & I realized what I had one & it scared me, I just sat there & cried. I don’t really want to cut, but then there is the part of me that does want to, I guess right now I don’t really understand why I even want to. It is just sometimes, well most the time my life seems so unreal, like it is all just one big dream. Then when I cut & I see the blood it makes me realize that I am real, I am here living, breathing, it’s not all one big joke. I feel so lonely & empty inside. I see the blood & I see there is at lease something inside me. It has been hard for me to really understand everything that has gone on in my life, it is just confusing. I always thought that when my dad got mad & was yelling at me & calling me things that it was just normal. Like all dads get mad once in a while & yell at their kids. I’ve never know anything better. I don’t think this is so good, but Sunday before I cut, I was thinking about trying burning. What is going on with me? Why do I want to do all these horrible things to my body?

10/26/2003

What a day it has been! I just got home from Sister Parker’s for the second time today. It is amazing how promptings work. Long story short: Went to church today, it was really good. I was glad to be there. I was hoping to get an appointment with Bishop W tonight, but didn’t.

After church I decided to go tell Sister Parker about cutting last night. I couldn’t tell her, so I left frustrated. I got home and for no real reason I grabbed the blade & just started cutting my left shoulder. I have about 5 cuts that are about __ to ____ long. When I realized what I had done I freaked out. What did I do? I need to tell someone. I ended up getting an appointment with Bishop W for next Sunday. I still needed to just tell someone. I thought about calling Joy? No. Even though she told me I could call her anytime I didn't. Tell Sister Parker? No, I was just there. Then I kept getting this feeling that it was okay to go over there again- GO!

So I went, I told Sister Parker. She told me I should talk to Amy. It was really nice to talk to her (Amy) about it. She really understands, unlike most people. She helped me realize why I cut, mostly to see blood, it isn’t about the pain aspect of it.

I just feel lonely a lot & empty inside. Sometimes my life just feels like a dream. Then when I cut I see my blood & I realize that it isn’t all just a dream. 

10/25/2003

I cut again! Well, I didn’t do it hard enough to actually make it bleed. I did it twice on my upper left arm. The only thing you can see is a little scratch about __ big. Even I have to really look for it. I prayed that when the time was right for me to move out I would know. One way I know I would know is everything would fall into place. Everything with my friend and I just clicked and seems so right!

10/22/2003

I didn’t go to institute tonight, I just didn’t feel like it. I went to my cousin’s house, but she wasn’t home, so I just drove around and looked at the temple and thought about stuff. I am going to get an appointment with Bishop W and talk to him about it all. Show him the letter also. I started reading the book Joy told me to get, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. My parents will kill me if they ever see it. Just another thing to keep locked in my cabinet. Sister Parker said to make sure my parents don’t see the letter either, they would flip!

10/21/2003

I never knew how much that letter would change things with Joy & I. We started off the usual- work and school. Then she said, "what can I do to help you because I have to pull everything out of you?" I knew this was my time to give her the letter. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I handed her the letter & she said how glad she was that I wrote it. She asked me if I ever thought about writing & such. I love writing, just getting everything out. She started reading it and I could tell she was really into it. She read it slowly & I just watched her face, the expressions she was making. When she was done, she just looked at me & said, “Wow, that is amazing.” The it was as if she was mad, not at me, but she said, “No, this is it. This has to end! This is such crap. It needs to stop. You need to get out of there, you need to get out.” It was as if she could actually feel my pain & was upset as to what is going on. I told her about how my friend and I are looking for places. She said she wanted me out of there in the next month. I know I can do it. She said the verbal abuse is so bad, she didn’t realize it was like that. She said it was such crap, everything he said. It was destroying me emotionally. It really is. She talked about how my mom just tells me it is okay, it isn’t, but she has no way out. In the letter I brought up my ex-boyfriend, Ryan, how my mom encouraged me to date him. She asked me how he treated me, if he ever was rude to me. I told her no, he was nice, he always called me his princess but you know what, he would say something rude every once in awhile. I didn’t even realize until today, when Joy pointed it out, he was verbally abusive too. How could I have been so dumb? I didn’t even notice when my boyfriend said things! She talked about my future husband, that I need to be careful he isn’t verbally abusive either. She said people tend to marry into what they are used to (like abuse). I’ve started to become what he (my dad) calls me. To actually feel like I am everything he says. Another thing, I had no idea how this letter was going to affect things. The way Joy reacted, was unbelievable to me, I can tell she cares. I didn’t even think that I was saying was that bad. Apparently it was, at least to Joy. To me, it is normal, not bad. She was so glad I wrote that letter. That if I needed to, to keep writing everything down and bringing it in. I’ll have to see how things go. I just kept looking at the picture of the Savior she has in her office. It is one of my 2 favorites, where he is wearing the red robe. As she read the letter, I just kept saying in my mind, I did it, I gave it to her!” Then we started talking about the things I wrote. I couldn’t help but thank Heavenly Father for helping me open up. It was such a relief to have it all out in the open. It lightened the burden & helped me realize I need to deal with it, not just keep it all in. She is really starting to help me & I’m so glad. I’m still confused because I didn’t think the things were that bad. I know it wasn’t good, but Joy said how horrible it is. That is would have been better for me if he had beaten me. He destroyed me so much. She said it is normal to be confused. She explained that I was so used to it that I probably didn’t even realize when he was doing it & things he said. Was it really that bad & I didn’t even realize it?! She said I’m becoming what he calls me. I think I really am. I don’t know how to accept complements because I’m not used to them. I just don’t know what to say. She explained to me why all of a sudden I don’t want to go to church. It is Satan working on me. Before he didn’t have to because my parents did it for him. Now he needs to try harder than he ever has before. He wants me to marry into the same thing I am coming from. But I will not. I can’t do it all over again. It is scary to think about right now I could be married to Ryan with a 2-year-old & possibly another baby. I would be just as unhappy with my ex & going through the same hell. But I’m not, I need to be glad that I’m not. S seemed blown away by how strong I am. Staying in the church & all. She said I have been so strong for so long it is amazing. She told me it is okay to cry, scream, whatever I needed to do. She said she didn’t want me to cut. That from what she has heard cutting releases emotional pain, I just nodded and agreed. She said if I needed to go in there & cry & scream for an hour it was okay. I need to get it out & not just keep it all in. We talked about all the people in my ward (my parents ward), how no one knows. How they are all just oblivious to it all. No one knows, no one in that ward understands. She told me how we need to change my thought patterns. All I thought was, That is what Bishop M said. She told me I have 2 wonderful, understanding bishops & I do. I really truly do. She finally understands. I didn’t know how much this letter would change my life. It really has. To realize I need to deal with this, not just shove it all in. She told me over and over again, “It is safe here. It is okay to tell me, you are safe.”

10/21/2003

I went and saw Sister Parker today. I told her about me going to counseling & I hadn’t been able to tell Joy anything so I wrote her the letter. She asked me how it went. I told her how I didn’t think things were that bad. She said I am just so used to it, it is everyday life. Eventually I handed her the letter & she read it. I could almost feel her heart breaking as she read it. When she was done she said it was really good & I’m good at writing, that it is good for me to get it all out in writing. She said she didn’t know 1 kid in a million that could be as strong as me. She told me I just need to hang on. I don’t know how. She told me that she often prayed for me. I could feel her love for me. I didn’t tell her, but almost every night I thank Heavenly Father for her being in my life & that she is there for me. She told me I should show Bishop W the letter too. I was thinking about it, but now I am going to. She said she understands why I want to cut. It can be so unbearable. I need to keep going for my future husband. Sister Parker promised me that my mom will be at my wedding. I guess it just isn’t enough, yeah she will “be there” but I want to be able to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice. I don’t remember what is sounds like any more. Sister Parker wants me to come tell her what is going on with my appointments with Joy. She was excited when I told her I was moving in with my friend, Rachel. I’m excited too! She told me to bring her my writings, she wants to read them. I think I just might. When I was leaving she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I could feel it so strongly. After I left, actually the second I walked out the door I started crying. I just let myself cry & tried to scream, but not a lot came out. After I was done crying I did feel better.

10/19/2003

I keep reflecting on that sweet experience. I don’t think Heavenly Father could have been more personal even if he said no name. That would show he knows my name, but instead he called me his daughter. I am still struggling, but I know I came come out of this strong. I just need to turn to the Lord in all thing. Keep doing what I have been, no matter what my head tells me, follow my heart & stay strong & active in the church. I need it now & forever. I’m still confused about a lot of things, but I know it will all work out. I have stayed up until about 4 last night finishing the letter to Joy. My visiting teachers came by today. Something one of them said in the prayer hit me. She said that this week as I get frustrated I will be able to feel Heavenly Father’s love. Hold on, the light will come.... Oh yeah how could I have forgotten? My friend, Rachel,  and I are getting an apartment together. I am going to be moving out!!!

10/15/2003

Last night I had a total emotional breakdown. I felt so overwhelmed about everything. I need to change certain things in my life & I felt like I couldn’t do it. I at my computer & cried. I started thinking the only way and easiest way to fix everything is to end everything. I really, really wanted to but I started pleading with Heavenly Father to help me, help me. I laid on my floor and bawled and pleaded for help. I heard the sweetest whispering (almost as if someone said it out loud) “Oh, my daughter. I love you.” I continued to ask for help and heard it two more times. I got up and all the pain I had been feeling was gone. I didn’t feel overwhelmed & for once in days I was thinking clearly. I decided I was not going to go to sleep until I figured things out. I have felt better today, better than I have in a week. I still need to change my attitude and soften my heart towards my parents. I can do this, I know I can. It’s going to be hard. I still need to finish writing that letter to Joy. Tell her how I really feel & what is going on. Maybe she can help me?

10/12/2003

What a week this been! Tuesday I went and saw Joy. It was the usual, talk about stuff and not a lot about my problems. I guess we did a little. She asked me if I felt alone? Sad? Depressed? I said, Yeah. So she told me I should go on anti-depressants and to take St. John’s Wart. At first I was appalled, how could she tell me this? I wasn’t really depressed?

Then Friday night I kinda lost it. I can’t explain it. I was starting to think I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) because of my mom’s death. After 12 years I’m still not over it. Will I ever be? Who knows.

Today I woke up at 11:05, I didn’t feel like going to church, but I did. I ended up just sitting in the lobby. I was just crying sporadically, it was nuts. I decided to walk around and started bawling. I want out back and wrote on a piece of paper:

“Who am I?

I am starting to pull away from the church. I don’t know why & it’s tearing me up inside. I don’t have the desire to come any more, like I used to. I’m just confused about everything. Who am I? Who really cares about me? Who can I turn to? I feel so alone and like there is no help for me.

Everything I used to do so easily are now hard. I try to turn to Heavenly Father but something I just feel like no one is there. If I leave the church will anyone notice? Will anyone care?”

I didn’t go to Sunday School, I haven’t gone in a few weeks, maybe a month. Relief Society was, well it was just boring. I didn’t want to be there.

I’m starting to be just emotionless, numb to feelings & the spirit. I realized today that I really am depressed, I guess it wasn’t all set in yet. It was hard for me to even admit that to myself. I’ve realized that I want to do certain things just to get attention, but why? I don’t understand it.

After church I was talking to Hayley telling her all this. She said I should talk to Bishop W. I told her I didn’t want to. She started to get really worried. After we talked, one line that Bishop W said when he gave me blessing 2 weeks ago kept coming to my mind. It was that the Lord was glad I was turning to Bishop & to him and to continue doing so. Right around 7:30 I got to the church and waited to see Bishop W. I finally started talking to him around 8:20. He asked me how I was. I told him okay. He said he didn’t believe me, because either he was just the best guy to come hang out with on a Sunday night or I was lying.

For the second time he asked me to offer the prayer, I said no. I told him about what Joy had said & about the pushing away from my parents. Then about how I used to be so strong in the church & loved everything about it & now I’m pushing that away too. He told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed at the fact that I am depressed. Then he thought it was funny that I was reading Valley of Sorrow and no one told me too. We just talked, about depression, things I like, and so on. He’s learned not to take “I don’t know” as an answer from me. He asked me something and I said I don’t know and he said, when I will sit here until you do.

I don’t know what to do about it. What can I do? I talked to Hayley again and told her I talked to Bishop W. It was then she told me she called Bishop M, but he wasn’t home so she called Bishop W and left him a message. She told him she was really worried about me & wanted him to see if he could do anything for me. 

10/7/2003

I saw Joy today. I was so determined that I was going to actually talk to her. I prayed constantly the past few days that I will be able to do it. But inside I knew I wouldn’t. We went upstairs to her office and started talking. My homework:

• Do something nice for dad
• Try to change my dad's view of me

My thoughts afterwards:

Feeling lonely/ sad/ depressed. Get books on depression, abuse and cutting. 

Write a letter to Joy! 

• Almost all my feelings (lonely, sad and so on) come from losing my mom.
• Verbal abuse- get discouraged, feel worthless. I try to forget about it, hard to ignore, feel like I can't take it anymore, everything he does & says I have a hard time trusting people and talking. 
• Cutting- been my main problem lately. Sister Parker has helped me not to. 
• Being nice to dad doesn't help (long term). 
• Having friends doesn't help.
• Whenever dad says something, mom tells me not to tell anyone. 
• Feelings don't last that long, sporadic

10/2/2003

I decided to go see Sister Parker today. I love her so much. I don’t know what I would do without her. We talked about what I was going to do about moving out. I’ve decided to figure it out, find a place and then tell my parents. The past few weeks I have really wanted to talk to someone about the cutting. I was going to a week ago with Joy, but I didn’t. Then Sunday with Bishop W, again I didn’t. Luckily this week I haven’t been tempted to, but still wanted to talk to someone. When Sister Parker  out of nowhere, ask me, “What is your greatest challenge right now?” At first I said, “I don’t know.” She told me that wasn’t an answer. She can always tell when something is bothering me. So I told her how in the past few weeks it had been so hard for me not to cut. We talked about it, why it had been so tempting. She told me about how addictive it is. I only did it once and it is all I can think about at times. One night I could not sleep because that is all I wanted to do. I feel like I am going nuts at times. By the look in her eyes I could tell she really, truly loves me and cares about me. I know that she was prompted or inspired to ask me that questions. I’m glad I talked to her about it.