10/21/2003

I never knew how much that letter would change things with Joy & I. We started off the usual- work and school. Then she said, "what can I do to help you because I have to pull everything out of you?" I knew this was my time to give her the letter. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I handed her the letter & she said how glad she was that I wrote it. She asked me if I ever thought about writing & such. I love writing, just getting everything out. She started reading it and I could tell she was really into it. She read it slowly & I just watched her face, the expressions she was making. When she was done, she just looked at me & said, “Wow, that is amazing.” The it was as if she was mad, not at me, but she said, “No, this is it. This has to end! This is such crap. It needs to stop. You need to get out of there, you need to get out.” It was as if she could actually feel my pain & was upset as to what is going on. I told her about how my friend and I are looking for places. She said she wanted me out of there in the next month. I know I can do it. She said the verbal abuse is so bad, she didn’t realize it was like that. She said it was such crap, everything he said. It was destroying me emotionally. It really is. She talked about how my mom just tells me it is okay, it isn’t, but she has no way out. In the letter I brought up my ex-boyfriend, Ryan, how my mom encouraged me to date him. She asked me how he treated me, if he ever was rude to me. I told her no, he was nice, he always called me his princess but you know what, he would say something rude every once in awhile. I didn’t even realize until today, when Joy pointed it out, he was verbally abusive too. How could I have been so dumb? I didn’t even notice when my boyfriend said things! She talked about my future husband, that I need to be careful he isn’t verbally abusive either. She said people tend to marry into what they are used to (like abuse). I’ve started to become what he (my dad) calls me. To actually feel like I am everything he says. Another thing, I had no idea how this letter was going to affect things. The way Joy reacted, was unbelievable to me, I can tell she cares. I didn’t even think that I was saying was that bad. Apparently it was, at least to Joy. To me, it is normal, not bad. She was so glad I wrote that letter. That if I needed to, to keep writing everything down and bringing it in. I’ll have to see how things go. I just kept looking at the picture of the Savior she has in her office. It is one of my 2 favorites, where he is wearing the red robe. As she read the letter, I just kept saying in my mind, I did it, I gave it to her!” Then we started talking about the things I wrote. I couldn’t help but thank Heavenly Father for helping me open up. It was such a relief to have it all out in the open. It lightened the burden & helped me realize I need to deal with it, not just keep it all in. She is really starting to help me & I’m so glad. I’m still confused because I didn’t think the things were that bad. I know it wasn’t good, but Joy said how horrible it is. That is would have been better for me if he had beaten me. He destroyed me so much. She said it is normal to be confused. She explained that I was so used to it that I probably didn’t even realize when he was doing it & things he said. Was it really that bad & I didn’t even realize it?! She said I’m becoming what he calls me. I think I really am. I don’t know how to accept complements because I’m not used to them. I just don’t know what to say. She explained to me why all of a sudden I don’t want to go to church. It is Satan working on me. Before he didn’t have to because my parents did it for him. Now he needs to try harder than he ever has before. He wants me to marry into the same thing I am coming from. But I will not. I can’t do it all over again. It is scary to think about right now I could be married to Ryan with a 2-year-old & possibly another baby. I would be just as unhappy with my ex & going through the same hell. But I’m not, I need to be glad that I’m not. S seemed blown away by how strong I am. Staying in the church & all. She said I have been so strong for so long it is amazing. She told me it is okay to cry, scream, whatever I needed to do. She said she didn’t want me to cut. That from what she has heard cutting releases emotional pain, I just nodded and agreed. She said if I needed to go in there & cry & scream for an hour it was okay. I need to get it out & not just keep it all in. We talked about all the people in my ward (my parents ward), how no one knows. How they are all just oblivious to it all. No one knows, no one in that ward understands. She told me how we need to change my thought patterns. All I thought was, That is what Bishop M said. She told me I have 2 wonderful, understanding bishops & I do. I really truly do. She finally understands. I didn’t know how much this letter would change my life. It really has. To realize I need to deal with this, not just shove it all in. She told me over and over again, “It is safe here. It is okay to tell me, you are safe.”