Tuesday, December 29, 2009

12/29/09

Today with James, we went over some of the changes in me since I started seeing him again and some things I still want/ need to work on.

James mentioned the irony of my insane fear of men, yet I'm going to a male counselor! Yep, I've realized that. I was anti men, then I got stuck with Aaron. He was all my fear of a male counselor, horrible experience! I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I don't know if she realized it, but that one time I talked to Joy after I stopped seeing Aaron was a huge help. Then of course stuff got triggered again. I remember telling my bishop "I will NOT go to another male counselor!" Lucky for me, I of course did. I was blessed that James is a great counselor. I actually trust him. He is the complete opposite of Aaron and is much like Joy except is a man. I don't think I said it about our last visit, but, we were talking about Jack. He stopped and asked me if the situation I was talking about if Jack was clothed or not. I thought about it for a second and answered, "I don't remember." James was quick to respond, that's okay let's move on. Aaron on the other hand, he really pushed for me to remember things that I honest do not remember! I felt so uncomfortable sitting then when he told me I HAD to remember! I felt guilty for not being able to remember. After I stopped seeing him I read an article by an LDS general authority, I think it was Richard G. Scott (who I've met and shock hands with!) that said it is horrible to force memories and can cause false memories! No wonder I felt so uncomfortable with it. I was glad when James didn't push me to remember and did the opposite and quick told me to move on with what I was saying.

I'm working on a letter to Jack. I don't know why I am so hesitant about it. I am so afraid to face that, to face him, to write him, to express all my feelings!

We talked for a minute about how I haven't been able to trust men. As James said, "you haven't been able to trust Ted, well I mean Grandpa and also Jack." I thought of the irony of that, actually I haven't been able to trust Ted either. In fact, I have never been able to trust Ted. Grandpa at least has at times been trustworthy and been a good dad. I should post the e-mails I've gotten from Ted. The first time I read them I thought, Wow, I'm actually glad I was raised by my crazy parents then this psycho! Even though my parents weren't perfect, there are still things I admire in their parenting. Ted, there is nothing I admire. Except for DNA, we have nothing in common.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

12/20/09

Today I wanted really bad to change my chance of getting pregnant from slim to definitely can not happen. I hate my body/ reproductive organs! I wish I could just "give up". As I wandered around Wal-Mart trying to stay busy and keeping my mind off the pain I thought, It's one thing to have a hard time trying to get pregnant and it's a totally different thing when that causes you serious physical pain! Not worth it if you ask me right now!

I've been thinking about something James said. He said that the most important thing I can be doing is what I am do- working on my healing. I get that, I really do. But... I see James for an hour every two weeks. In between sessions I don't spend a lot of time working on my healing.

Back to the whole, I'm afraid of failing thing again! What if I'm not very good at it? And so on...

Then, there is also my book! I haven't done a lot with that either! What I need is someone, anyone to read it, help me with any grammar or spelling errors and give me honest input!

Goals

#1) Graduate from institute.
#2) Work on (actually try and start) group
#3) Get serious about my book!

Yay, I have goals in life!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

12/19/09

Today with James ... um, I'm not sure. I feel emotionally drained. We talked about options and directions to take with my life. First, there is college. I have never had a huge desire to have a college degree, it just doesn't appeal to me personally. I mean, sure I have thought about it. Next, kids... that's when the waterworks started. That is the only thing I have ever really wanted to do with my life and it isn't happening! It can be a touchy subject for me. At times my infertility struggle seems just as painful as the abuse. Certain people in my life have made it harder, I'll just leave it at that.... sigh, I don't get why people act the way they do, why have say rude things, why they are unsupportive and judgmental!

Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot I can control about having kids. We are trying to adopt, we are doing foster and still no luck. Oddly working on our adoption is one thing that I actually work on and actively pursue. James asked if we have looked into everything, all options and such. I've done a lot of research and there is one program that appealed to me that I had no "signed up" for yet. So, I decided to do it! It's free and increases our chances of finding a baby! Well, I'd love to blog more, but I'm off to work on getting all of our "Project Cuddle" stuff ready and be sent by Christmas! Yay! Wish us luck!

Oh and one goal I have had and I do have control over...
Goal #1- Graduate from Institute!
Goal #2- still not sure yet....

Friday, December 18, 2009

12/18/09

Feeling a little...
stuck, confused, I don't know the word for it. I want to do something with my life, but I don't know what or how to do it. I'm tired of feeling useless... I'm 25, married, jobless, childless, no college education (okay, well I have 1 credit under my belt that counts right?) and the list goes on and on.

As I try to think of WHY I refuse to take action and do something with my life, I'm afraid to fail. For so long I've been told I will fail, I was good for nothing, I was worthless and would never amount to anything.

I remember one day while I was in college overhearing grandpa on the phone with my sister, "She's doing good in college. At least she SAYS she's doing good, who knows if she really is!" FYI Grandpa... I really did do Great in college. I believe I got 2 B's in the whole class and the rest were A's. Then when I quit my job because my boss was abusive and I didn't have time for school working 50+ hours a week I was told "You'll come crawling back here in a month!" It's been 6 years and I've still done nothing!

I guess the only logical thing hold me back, we can't afford me going back to college.

I have become so comfortable talking about my abuse. It has become my passion and I feel drawn to do something to help others. But doing what exactly, I have no idea!

I've also accomplished nothing in the past 2 weeks! Didn't do my homework (write Colleen a letter), haven't read my scriptures once. However my spiritual side just took a turn for the better. I've loved my calling, but teaching 5 year olds that don't always listen every single week is draining! I have been the only teacher that didn't have a partner, someone that can fill in for them or let them have a week off so they can enjoy church for once. Well, I am finally getting my "team teacher"! Yay! They did add another kid to my class, but I'm not complaining!

Friday, December 11, 2009

12/11/09

Now that I have told Colleen, I feel more comfortable posting more about Jack on this blog. I always feared that since she had the link to my personal blog and I have a link to this blog she would see it and find out here.

2 years ago when I started talking to James about what Jack did this is what I told him-

I don't remember a lot, but what I do remember is pretty vague. I started baby-sitting Jack in June 1997. His mom was my science teacher that year in school, I was in the 6th grade. She, for some reason I never knew, asked me if I wanted to baby-sit her son. I loved baby-sitting, so I told her yes. I don't remember how old Jack was when I started to watch him, I think he was 8 and I was only 12 1/2. I watched him for around 2 to 3 years, I don't remember for sure when I stopped.

I don't know how long after I started watching him that it started. I don't remember how it started. I completely blocked it all out of my mind until after I got married. Jack loved to touch me, hug me and try to kiss me. If I was sitting down he had to be sitting as close to me as possible. If I scooted over, he did too. I saw him naked at least twice, I don't remember if he ever did anything to me while he was nude. He would pin me down on his bed and rub his penis against me, we were both fully dressed. I would tell him to stop and get off, but he never did. He out weighed me and was much stronger then me. He was extremely spoiled, so if he wasn't getting his way he threatened to rap me. I don't remember the exact words he used, but that is what he wanted to do.

On May 2, 1999 I wrote "I used to baby-sit this boy that was 9 years old and he liked me so if we were sitting on the couch he would scoot over and keep doing that, then he would hug me and not let go and try to kiss me. Worst of all he would lay on me and try to make out with me and tell me to suck his penis."

On Dec. 6, 2004 I started seeing Aaron, at that time I had a very hard time whenever Brad would touch me. In my mind I couldn't distinguish between Jack and Brad, if Brad started rubbing my back in my mind it was Jack. Aaron always asked very detailed questions about what Jack did and I was uncomfortable with them because he focused too much on unimportant details that I can't even remember. Feelings of being angry at Jack started to surface, but that is as far as they got, it was never dealt with. On Dec. 16, 2004 I wrote down what I could remember about what Jack did; he held me down on his bed at least 12 times, if not more. I baby-sat him at my house 3 to 4 times but he never did anything, that I can remember. If he didn't get his was he would make threats or become physically aggressive. He took karate and would practice on me, kicking and hitting me. I was completely powerless against him, it didn't matter what I said or did he was always controlling me. I stopped seeing Aaron in February of 2005.

A few weeks later I ended up talking to my old counselor, Joy. Talking to her helped enough that I felt like I had moved on and was starting to forgive Jack. It never seemed to come up again until we got Joey. Almost every time Joey touched me it reminded me of Jack.

I don't recall Jack ever doing and saying he would do something if I told anyone. I don't know why I never did, I didn't remember a single detail about it until about I got married.

It has affected me in many ways. At first it was really rough on Brad and I' relationship, but it has gotten a lot better since then. I still rarely enjoy sex or interested in doing it. I will do it to make husband happy. The only time I want to do it is because I am on fertility and I know I have to to get pregnant. Parenting Joey was really hard because I was constantly seeing him as Jack and I was in control for once, I had to refrain from doing things to Joey that I wanted to do to Jack. I have a lot of trusting issues, not just from Jack but everyone in my life. No one in my family has been trustworthy and it still takes a long time for me to trust anyone. When I was seeing Joy I didn't tell her anything for 3 months, then I had to wrote her a letter to get it all out. Four years ago all I would say was "I don't know" so that I wouldn't have to open up and acknowledge or deal with anything. I stopped doing that 3 1/2 years ago and now it is a lot easier to share everything. The only problem I have religiously is that if either Jack, or my Grandpa, was to join the church I have a hard time seeing them worthy to do so because of what they did to me. If either of them was to tell me they are sorry for what they did I would be okay with them being baptized.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

12/10/09

I still haven't blog about, or even written about my last visit with James.

We talked about my e-mails with Collen. I should be feeling closure, but I'm not. I guess I was expecting one side of the spectrum or the other. Either she denies it or tells me she knew something happened to Jack and she was sorry he did it to me. It was right in the middle and I'm feeling stuck there. James keeps asking/ reminding me, why was I doing this? I keep saying I wasn't doing it for a certain reaction, I was doing it for me. I guess I have to just keep reminding myself that.

The next issue I have... Right after I stopped seeing Aaron I found an old English project from the 8th grade. I flipped through it and was shocked to find that in this project, one that I turned in to my teacher and she read and graded and gave back to me, I wrote some details about things Jack was doing to me.

I have a lot of emotions about this, I'm curious as to why this teacher didn't do anything. I mean, how can you read about a kid being sexually abused and do nothing?!? At the same time I try to justify it, just maybe she didn't read it. After all she had a lot of students and having to read 25 or so pages about each of them, just maybe she skimmed through it and missed that part. It is even harder that I really looked up to Mrs. W. Obviously I thought she was a safe enough person to even tell about the abuse. My own parents didn't know and weren't safe to tell, but I trusted her. I have trust issues to begin with then I realize that someone I really trusted and admired let me down. I feel hurt. I try not to get angry at her, but part of me is.

So, can you guess what my homework is? Write a letter to Mrs. W, but don't send it. Okay, am I really crazy here, or what, but I really want answers. I'm still on contact with her and I want to know first of all, if she read it. If she didn't then I have no reason to be mad.