I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across an article (which I now can't find). Anyways, it mentioned the mom who posted on Facebook about how she threw away her kid's ice cream because they didn't say "thank you". Personally, I thought that was way too harsh! I mean, really?
I guess I get it because I've been there. I vividly recall walking out of the Casino, we were celebrating our "Adoption Anniversary", which I hated because it just reminded me of the death of my mom. We went to a buffet at a local casino. I was around 14 or 15. As the waiter refill my sister and I's water glasses we didn't say Thank You. As we left that evening Grandpa told us we were "Ungrateful B*****'s" because we didn't say thank you.
Now, I try to teach my kids manners, but I NEVER force them to say thank you. If they don't want to say it, it is NOT the end of the world!
Imagine this- you give a kid a sticker or a piece of candy. How much do you think they enjoy that? Being a kid, probably a lot. Now, what if they didn't say Thank You, does that mean they don't enjoy it as much? No, it simply means they are KIDS! Kids don't get that they are expected to say Thank You all the time. They are little. Let them be little and enjoy life before they grow up and have to worry about jobs and paying bills and all the other adult stresses!
Friday, June 10, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Anxiety Attack!
The last time I had an anxiety attack was at least 6 months ago! Today I was reminded WHY I quit my job and that I need to stop taking 100% of all orders. I've cut back a lot, but I have still been doing orders for friends and family and such. I need to stop. No more orders, not one!
I had someone I know ask me to do an order with 3 days notice. Okay, no problem. It came down to the wire and they ended up giving me the dimensions and design they needed the day of. They dropped it off at 10 am and planned on pick it up at 3 pm. 5 hours, really no problem! I started working on it, took my daughter to school, went to get a soda, came home and continued to work on it, went to pick up my daughter from school, and continued to work on it every second. It was not working like I had hoped. Tiny letters = nightmare! I just needed 16 pieces. I ended up cutting like 50! No joke!
The problem causing the anxiety has been over for 5 minutes now, yet I can still feel the knots in my stomach. I can still feel the intense anxiety inside me. Even though it's over my hands are still almost shaking!
And now our dog ran away! Ugggg. Heaven help me!
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Be kind...
3/16/2016
Even though we've been in our new ward over 4 months, I went to enrichment for the first time tonight. I was excited, as I am loving our new ward. As I walked in I was hoping to see someone I knew to sit with. I noticed a sister that I know, I'll call her Andrea, and went and sat at the table she was at. Several other sisters I know joined us too. By the time we started there were 2 sisters at the table (including Andrea) who are pregnant.
As we were eating the conversation turned to babies, gender revels, births and such. I felt a little awkward, but I'm pretty used to it at this point. Before I had kids conversations like these were incredibly painful. Now that I have kids it's just a little awkward, but not painful. Anyways, I just sat there and listened to everyone's stories. I didn't think much of it.
Our enrichment ended and I went to leave. I turned and said bye to Andrea and she told me she wanted to tell me something. I went over to her, thinking it was probably business related, as that is always what people want to talk to me about. She then told me, "I wanted to tell you I am so sorry!". I was baffled, what do you mean? She added, "Aren't your kids adopted? I'm sorry about that conversation. I was trying to think of ways to include you!" She mentioned how rough it must have been for me.
After 12 years of struggling with infertility this was a first for me! Andrea not only realized that I was being excluded from the conversation/ experiences, but wanted to try to include me. She felt bad about that. Not only that, but actually voiced these things to me.
I told Andrea that I was fine and it was no big deal. I gave her a hug and told her thank you for thinking about me!
The world needs more people that that. People who not only care, but actually do something about it!
Even though we've been in our new ward over 4 months, I went to enrichment for the first time tonight. I was excited, as I am loving our new ward. As I walked in I was hoping to see someone I knew to sit with. I noticed a sister that I know, I'll call her Andrea, and went and sat at the table she was at. Several other sisters I know joined us too. By the time we started there were 2 sisters at the table (including Andrea) who are pregnant.
As we were eating the conversation turned to babies, gender revels, births and such. I felt a little awkward, but I'm pretty used to it at this point. Before I had kids conversations like these were incredibly painful. Now that I have kids it's just a little awkward, but not painful. Anyways, I just sat there and listened to everyone's stories. I didn't think much of it.
Our enrichment ended and I went to leave. I turned and said bye to Andrea and she told me she wanted to tell me something. I went over to her, thinking it was probably business related, as that is always what people want to talk to me about. She then told me, "I wanted to tell you I am so sorry!". I was baffled, what do you mean? She added, "Aren't your kids adopted? I'm sorry about that conversation. I was trying to think of ways to include you!" She mentioned how rough it must have been for me.
After 12 years of struggling with infertility this was a first for me! Andrea not only realized that I was being excluded from the conversation/ experiences, but wanted to try to include me. She felt bad about that. Not only that, but actually voiced these things to me.
I told Andrea that I was fine and it was no big deal. I gave her a hug and told her thank you for thinking about me!
The world needs more people that that. People who not only care, but actually do something about it!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
When one thoughts leads to another...
I was looking on Pinterest and a post titled, "Therapeutic Toy List". I read through that post and found it interesting. I started thinking about how interesting it would be to be a therapist to younger children.
It is such a different approach then traditional talk therapy. With younger children you use play therapy and they express and shows their thoughts and feelings playing, toys, dogs, drawings and such.
Somehow thinking about that lead me to finally acknowledge something... I think i realized it just recently, but I'm admitting it for the first time here. Here's the story: I started babysitting Jack when I was 12. Around that same time I started babysitting 2 of my cousins, I'll call them Jess and Nick. I'm not going to even try to ballpark how old they were.
Anyways, I had both babysitting situations overlapping at the same time frame. When I was 14 I remember I started telling my friends these stories about stuff Nick would do, except in real life Jack was doing them. My favorite story to tell was about things Nick would do with his neighbor friend that was a girl. At the time I knew I was lying and making up these stories, but I didn't know why. I remember telling myself that I needed to stop telling them and lying. I eventually stopped telling the stories, but never told anyone they were lies.
Now here I am almost 20 years later and I can see WHY I was saying those things. I was trying to tell my story, these things were really happening, happening to me. Yet, I couldn't admit Jack was doing them or doing them to me. So to tell my secrets in a safe way I portrayed Jack as Nick and me as a neighbor girl. That way, it was safe, but I could still get my secrets out! It is so interesting how the human mind works. How, at 14, I could take what was happening to me and twist it around in a way to make it safe to share without even realizing it. Want to hear something else ironic? Once Jack's mom gave me a ride to Jess and Nick's house. Probably doesn't sound as ironic as it is, but oh well.
It is such a different approach then traditional talk therapy. With younger children you use play therapy and they express and shows their thoughts and feelings playing, toys, dogs, drawings and such.
Somehow thinking about that lead me to finally acknowledge something... I think i realized it just recently, but I'm admitting it for the first time here. Here's the story: I started babysitting Jack when I was 12. Around that same time I started babysitting 2 of my cousins, I'll call them Jess and Nick. I'm not going to even try to ballpark how old they were.
Anyways, I had both babysitting situations overlapping at the same time frame. When I was 14 I remember I started telling my friends these stories about stuff Nick would do, except in real life Jack was doing them. My favorite story to tell was about things Nick would do with his neighbor friend that was a girl. At the time I knew I was lying and making up these stories, but I didn't know why. I remember telling myself that I needed to stop telling them and lying. I eventually stopped telling the stories, but never told anyone they were lies.
Now here I am almost 20 years later and I can see WHY I was saying those things. I was trying to tell my story, these things were really happening, happening to me. Yet, I couldn't admit Jack was doing them or doing them to me. So to tell my secrets in a safe way I portrayed Jack as Nick and me as a neighbor girl. That way, it was safe, but I could still get my secrets out! It is so interesting how the human mind works. How, at 14, I could take what was happening to me and twist it around in a way to make it safe to share without even realizing it. Want to hear something else ironic? Once Jack's mom gave me a ride to Jess and Nick's house. Probably doesn't sound as ironic as it is, but oh well.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
My favorite way to spend the day is…
Journal Entry #1
My favorite way to spend the day is…
Depends on my mood! Majority of the time it would be chilling on the couch watching tv! I also get stir crazy easily! I like being out, even if I'm not doing anything!
When I worked full time my favorite "day off" thing to do was go shopping! I love shopping or even just window shopping, walking around stores.
OR get some good food (not fast food, usually a sandwich from Great Harvest or something like that), sit on the couch which a Coke of course, and watch TV!
I've also been know to spend a day off doing nothing but crafting!
My favorite way to spend the day is…
Depends on my mood! Majority of the time it would be chilling on the couch watching tv! I also get stir crazy easily! I like being out, even if I'm not doing anything!
When I worked full time my favorite "day off" thing to do was go shopping! I love shopping or even just window shopping, walking around stores.
OR get some good food (not fast food, usually a sandwich from Great Harvest or something like that), sit on the couch which a Coke of course, and watch TV!
I've also been know to spend a day off doing nothing but crafting!
Monday, January 18, 2016
1/18/16
Today I got an e-mail from my mother-in-law. I get along great with my in-laws, but it isn't a perfect relationship. Even though i love my mother-in-law, we get along great and I really respect her, she just doesn't understand things I've gone though. I've accepted it at this point that we can talk about anything but my depression and past abuse. When I was in counseling with Grace and we talked about how I needed to call and talk to someone when the depression was bad she asked who I thought I should call. My mother-in-law and Hayley were my top 2 people.
Anyways, back to the e-mail I got this morning. My in-laws are currently on a mission. A past comment my mother-in-law made, made me wonder if just maybe she was starting to have a better understanding of depression. Even though she never said to words, I felt like she expected me to just snap out of it, change my attitude and just NOT be depressed. Well, a while back she told us how some of these young missionaries are going out with depression and their parents think that serving a mission will cure their depression and well, it's not working. It really opened my eyes that maybe she is starting to actually understand it! In this e-mail she mentioned a missionary that went home because of sever depression and how he is now on medication, in counseling and is doing well.
As I read this it brought a tear to my eye. I'm glad she is understanding this illness and can now be there and support others.
I went downstairs to clean up some vomit from Brax. When I was done I decided to do some dishes. While doing dishes I kept thinking about my depression and talking to my mother-in-law. The more I thought about it I decided, what the heck, I'll e-mail her back and open up about my struggle. I finally feel (I don't know the word I'm looking for here, but you'll get what I mean) enough that even if she is negative about it, or tells me I need to just snap out of it, it won't be the end of the world or as hard as a blow as it was in the past.
If people don't understand then that isn't my problem. Not everyone is always going to understand your journey. That isn't their job. They aren't in your shoes. If you try to share your journey with them and they don't take it the way you want then move on. Doesn't mean they can't be in our life, just someone you can't talk to and expect to understand certain things.
Anyways, back to the e-mail I got this morning. My in-laws are currently on a mission. A past comment my mother-in-law made, made me wonder if just maybe she was starting to have a better understanding of depression. Even though she never said to words, I felt like she expected me to just snap out of it, change my attitude and just NOT be depressed. Well, a while back she told us how some of these young missionaries are going out with depression and their parents think that serving a mission will cure their depression and well, it's not working. It really opened my eyes that maybe she is starting to actually understand it! In this e-mail she mentioned a missionary that went home because of sever depression and how he is now on medication, in counseling and is doing well.
As I read this it brought a tear to my eye. I'm glad she is understanding this illness and can now be there and support others.
I went downstairs to clean up some vomit from Brax. When I was done I decided to do some dishes. While doing dishes I kept thinking about my depression and talking to my mother-in-law. The more I thought about it I decided, what the heck, I'll e-mail her back and open up about my struggle. I finally feel (I don't know the word I'm looking for here, but you'll get what I mean) enough that even if she is negative about it, or tells me I need to just snap out of it, it won't be the end of the world or as hard as a blow as it was in the past.
If people don't understand then that isn't my problem. Not everyone is always going to understand your journey. That isn't their job. They aren't in your shoes. If you try to share your journey with them and they don't take it the way you want then move on. Doesn't mean they can't be in our life, just someone you can't talk to and expect to understand certain things.
I know I've written about it on here, but tonight while talking to Brad I realized how few people know the truth. If you read my posts then you know, Grace and Dr. P also know, and I believe my grandma knows. Other then that, no one knows what the 18 months leading up to my hysterectomy was like. Yes, the #1 reason I tell people that I had it was because my cycles were crazy, which they extremely were! What no one realizes is that I had this back and forth battle going on for 18 MONTHS.
I had 2 options in my life
1) Regulate my cycle, but not be able to take my anti-depressant. So I wasn't happy, was barely functioning, but hey I wasn't bleeding to death!
2) Take my anti-depressant, but my cycle would be uncontrollable! I was doing great emotionally, but physically it was actually killing me. There were days that I honestly thought, a few more days of this bleeding and I WILL bleed to death.
I spend over a year flip flopping the medications. I would go on my anti-depressant so I was emotionally good (yet bleeding) for a few months. Then go off it and go on my medication to regulate my cycles. Wait a few months until I couldn't take the depression anymore. Go back on my anti-depressant. You get the pattern.
I can't say it enough, I'm so glad it's over!!!! I could be having a horrible day and I all I have to do is just think about the fact I had the hysterectomy and it puts a smile on my face!
I've had people try to tell me I should have tried this or that before resorting to surgery. It's hard to explain that I tried this and that and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afterwards the biggest weight was lifted!
It has been interesting to see people's reaction when they hear about my hysterectomy. It's not something I hide because I am SO HAPPY about it! It was great when I went back to see Dr. P 2 months after surgery. Last time I had talked to him he was giving me a referral to get it done. He didn't know it was over and done with.
I had 2 options in my life
1) Regulate my cycle, but not be able to take my anti-depressant. So I wasn't happy, was barely functioning, but hey I wasn't bleeding to death!
2) Take my anti-depressant, but my cycle would be uncontrollable! I was doing great emotionally, but physically it was actually killing me. There were days that I honestly thought, a few more days of this bleeding and I WILL bleed to death.
I spend over a year flip flopping the medications. I would go on my anti-depressant so I was emotionally good (yet bleeding) for a few months. Then go off it and go on my medication to regulate my cycles. Wait a few months until I couldn't take the depression anymore. Go back on my anti-depressant. You get the pattern.
I can't say it enough, I'm so glad it's over!!!! I could be having a horrible day and I all I have to do is just think about the fact I had the hysterectomy and it puts a smile on my face!
I've had people try to tell me I should have tried this or that before resorting to surgery. It's hard to explain that I tried this and that and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afterwards the biggest weight was lifted!
It has been interesting to see people's reaction when they hear about my hysterectomy. It's not something I hide because I am SO HAPPY about it! It was great when I went back to see Dr. P 2 months after surgery. Last time I had talked to him he was giving me a referral to get it done. He didn't know it was over and done with.
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