Our relationship has been, well, I don't know the word for it. We're working on, trying to make it stronger. We are nowhere close to separating or divorcing, nothing major at all, just working on things. So today with James I had hurt tears! I'm tearing up thinking about it. It's a work in progress. At the same time I struggle with infertility. So many people have told me that having a baby together makes your marriage stronger and you feel closer. That may never happen. Today James asked if I expect our marriage to be exactly like my husband's parents, no. It's been a roller coaster the past few days.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
10/21/09
I've lost track of what # visit I'm at. It is 2 AM, I'm sitting in bed, almost in tears and I feel like I'm gonna puke! It's been a weird, emotional past few days. Last night as I tried to sleep I thought about things Grandpa did. Nothing bad, just weird and creepy! I don't know if I've said it or not, but I feel like saying it again- In my late teens, the last few years leading up to me moving out- he would not only go through my trash, but would pull certain things and place them on my bed! A few days ago as I was taking out the trash I thought about this and I can't stop thinking about it! Why? Last night as I thought about it and tried to sleep it made me feel disgusted! Such an invasive and creepy thing to do. (trust me there is more to it than that). I laid there crying. 6 years ago I still lived at home, struggled with cutting and just wanted someone to be there for me. I turned around and snuggled with my husband, he was sound asleep, but I just needed to know that he was physically there.
Our relationship has been, well, I don't know the word for it. We're working on, trying to make it stronger. We are nowhere close to separating or divorcing, nothing major at all, just working on things. So today with James I had hurt tears! I'm tearing up thinking about it. It's a work in progress. At the same time I struggle with infertility. So many people have told me that having a baby together makes your marriage stronger and you feel closer. That may never happen. Today James asked if I expect our marriage to be exactly like my husband's parents, no. It's been a roller coaster the past few days.
Our relationship has been, well, I don't know the word for it. We're working on, trying to make it stronger. We are nowhere close to separating or divorcing, nothing major at all, just working on things. So today with James I had hurt tears! I'm tearing up thinking about it. It's a work in progress. At the same time I struggle with infertility. So many people have told me that having a baby together makes your marriage stronger and you feel closer. That may never happen. Today James asked if I expect our marriage to be exactly like my husband's parents, no. It's been a roller coaster the past few days.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
10/4/09
I'm used to writing letter, but not sending them. Just the other day I started working on letters to my parents about things involving my mom's death. Then tonight I started thinking, what will I say if grandma asks me again if something's going on. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to be direct with her. As I thought about the things I would say I wanted to write a letter, not just any letter, send it! Gasp!!!! I'm still not sure. For now I will write it and see what I think in a day or two.
This is what I have so far-
Grandma,
You obviously suspect something is going on since you asked when I talked to you a few weeks ago. I told you there was nothing because I have to protect myself.
If I do tell you I need to know that it is safe to tell you. It has to do with Jack. Do you remember? His mom was my teacher in the 6th grade, I baby-sat him and he sexually abused me. The last time we talked about what Jack had done you asked "What did he just touch you once or something?" To me that is minimizing what I went through. I need people to validate my feelings and actually believe me that it happened. I always fear, because he was younger than me, that no one will believe me that it happened. If you want to know the details I will tell you, but I need to know that you are going to take me seriously. I'm tired of people brushing it off as nothing.
When we (Brad and I) told his parents all his mom said was "forgive and forget". I know I need to forgive him, but it is a process and it will take time. I don't need to hear that right now. I don't expect you to know what to say or do. I don't expect anything from you, but just believe me that it happened and don't minimize it. It takes a lot emotionally to be dealing with all this stuff, things that Jordan did and things that went on while I still lived at home.
This is my forth time in counseling. I don't know if you remember or not about the first time I went when I was still living at home. If you ever want to talk about it or have questions I am really open about all my counseling experiences.
The first I went, it really changed me. I was in a group called SOLE, it focused on the Atonement and healing. The second time I went I had a horrible experience. It was up here about 5 years ago. I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I tried to convince myself that I was fine, that what Jack did wasn't bothering me. Then we got Joey. I had a really hard time with him because it was a constant reminder of what Jack had done. That's when I went back to counseling, all three times at LDS Family Services. I started seeing a guy named James, he is by far the best counselor I've had. He helped a lot. For the most part I had moved on with my life. I stopped seeing him in June of 2008.
I didn't really see this coming, going back to counseling again. I am seeing James again, I just started seeing him at the end of Aug. so we will have to see how things go this time.
I know a lot of people think counseling or therapy is not helpful at all. I know of some counselors that are horrible, but I also know some great ones too. 2 of my 3 counselors have been wonderful and it has been extremely helpful in my life.
I love you. If you ever want to talk about anything just say so.
- so. to send or not to send, that's the question. For now I'm leaning towards send. I need to direct my feelings for once and not feel like I have to hide them or what I've been through!
This is what I have so far-
Grandma,
You obviously suspect something is going on since you asked when I talked to you a few weeks ago. I told you there was nothing because I have to protect myself.
If I do tell you I need to know that it is safe to tell you. It has to do with Jack. Do you remember? His mom was my teacher in the 6th grade, I baby-sat him and he sexually abused me. The last time we talked about what Jack had done you asked "What did he just touch you once or something?" To me that is minimizing what I went through. I need people to validate my feelings and actually believe me that it happened. I always fear, because he was younger than me, that no one will believe me that it happened. If you want to know the details I will tell you, but I need to know that you are going to take me seriously. I'm tired of people brushing it off as nothing.
When we (Brad and I) told his parents all his mom said was "forgive and forget". I know I need to forgive him, but it is a process and it will take time. I don't need to hear that right now. I don't expect you to know what to say or do. I don't expect anything from you, but just believe me that it happened and don't minimize it. It takes a lot emotionally to be dealing with all this stuff, things that Jordan did and things that went on while I still lived at home.
This is my forth time in counseling. I don't know if you remember or not about the first time I went when I was still living at home. If you ever want to talk about it or have questions I am really open about all my counseling experiences.
The first I went, it really changed me. I was in a group called SOLE, it focused on the Atonement and healing. The second time I went I had a horrible experience. It was up here about 5 years ago. I wasn't sure if I could trust counseling again. I tried to convince myself that I was fine, that what Jack did wasn't bothering me. Then we got Joey. I had a really hard time with him because it was a constant reminder of what Jack had done. That's when I went back to counseling, all three times at LDS Family Services. I started seeing a guy named James, he is by far the best counselor I've had. He helped a lot. For the most part I had moved on with my life. I stopped seeing him in June of 2008.
I didn't really see this coming, going back to counseling again. I am seeing James again, I just started seeing him at the end of Aug. so we will have to see how things go this time.
I know a lot of people think counseling or therapy is not helpful at all. I know of some counselors that are horrible, but I also know some great ones too. 2 of my 3 counselors have been wonderful and it has been extremely helpful in my life.
I love you. If you ever want to talk about anything just say so.
- so. to send or not to send, that's the question. For now I'm leaning towards send. I need to direct my feelings for once and not feel like I have to hide them or what I've been through!
Friday, October 2, 2009
More Rules of a Dysfunctional Family
Brad comes from a pretty normal LDS family. 6 kids, Dad's been a bishop, you know the type... As normal as they can be I was surprised at how they handled something recently. As my mother-in-law explained it to me I sat there, scratching my head thinking, 'Maybe you guys need to see James and figure out how to communicate!' See if you can follow this- Mom and Dad (husband's that is) had some BIG news to tell their children and this is how they decided to tell them- they called child #4 and told them over the phone and asked if they could call and tell #3 and #6, and tell #6 to call and tell #1. They told #5 in person and asked #5 to send a text message to #2 to tell them! Really? This just seems crazy to me. I am always saying the wrong thing and offending his family so we'll how much drama me posting this causes!
Okay, so how would I of done it in their shoes? I would have called each of my children individually and told them each about it myself. Yes, I know it's hard and I'm sure you don't want to repeat it 6 times. Or- I would e-mail each of them and then call to make sure they know the e-mail is coming! See, it's not that hard!
Okay, so how would I of done it in their shoes? I would have called each of my children individually and told them each about it myself. Yes, I know it's hard and I'm sure you don't want to repeat it 6 times. Or- I would e-mail each of them and then call to make sure they know the e-mail is coming! See, it's not that hard!
Another one about my grandparents and my mom's death. The night after I first told James the story of my mom's death I was trying to sort out some feelings, feelings that me at 7 years old had and can now express and say.
These are the things I feel and the things I want, but I feel like I was talking to a brick wall and my parents don't care.
I feel...
small
unimportant
sad
forced (to pick my grandparents)
lonely
out of control
confused
I want...
someone to tell me the truth
to deal with my mom's death
a normal life
to be heard
to know about my mom
to be able to remember my mom
pictures of my mom
to remember what she smells like
to cry
to live with my aunt and uncle
an explanation (about my mom's death)
someone to talk to
These are the things I feel and the things I want, but I feel like I was talking to a brick wall and my parents don't care.
I feel...
small
unimportant
sad
forced (to pick my grandparents)
lonely
out of control
confused
I want...
someone to tell me the truth
to deal with my mom's death
a normal life
to be heard
to know about my mom
to be able to remember my mom
pictures of my mom
to remember what she smells like
to cry
to live with my aunt and uncle
an explanation (about my mom's death)
someone to talk to
Thursday, October 1, 2009
10/1/09
This was the letter I wrote to my dad after Visit #4 with James-
Grandpa,
I've put this off for so many years. I have so many hurt and angry feelings I don't even know where to start. I still cringe when I talk to you on the phone. I hate being around you. I still fear that at any moment I will be verbally attacked!
You always have to look like the hero, like you are the most amazing guy in the world. I would love it if I could go through your house and take all your awards down. Better yet, I wish I could place on each of your awards names and words you have called me and the number of times you called me those things. I wish people knew the truth about you. On the outside you try to look like Superman, but on the inside you are really Lex Luther.
You constantly reminded me that you "took me in" when you didn't have to. You made me feel unwanted and unloved. I'm glad that aunt and uncle always reminded me that I WAS wanted!
You always had to brag that you were so on top of your genealogy. I wish I could go brag about how you would scream at me to go update it the second someone was born or died. How you would stand behind me as I worked on the computer, breathing your alcoholic breath on my neck.
Grandpa,
I've put this off for so many years. I have so many hurt and angry feelings I don't even know where to start. I still cringe when I talk to you on the phone. I hate being around you. I still fear that at any moment I will be verbally attacked!
You always have to look like the hero, like you are the most amazing guy in the world. I would love it if I could go through your house and take all your awards down. Better yet, I wish I could place on each of your awards names and words you have called me and the number of times you called me those things. I wish people knew the truth about you. On the outside you try to look like Superman, but on the inside you are really Lex Luther.
You constantly reminded me that you "took me in" when you didn't have to. You made me feel unwanted and unloved. I'm glad that aunt and uncle always reminded me that I WAS wanted!
You always had to brag that you were so on top of your genealogy. I wish I could go brag about how you would scream at me to go update it the second someone was born or died. How you would stand behind me as I worked on the computer, breathing your alcoholic breath on my neck.
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