8/30/09

Today I was cleaning out my desk and I came across some papers. About a year ago Grandpa gave them to me for me to looks at and duplicate, making one for each year... long story short, for some reason I am known as the computer whiz and the one he goes to if he ever needs something printed like signs. (He gave me these same papers a year earlier and I didn't make those either!) Making things for him on the computer, that brings back a LOT. FYI thinking about how he would hover over me, critiquing every little thing, smelling his horrible alcoholic breath, him literally breathing down my neck- while sitting at the computer typing is not good. I can just imagine him behind me right now!

Shortly after I found these papers my friend from Group #2(MacKenzie) came over. I took the papers out back and burned them! Sounds odd? It was such a relief, like I was no longer under his control. Really, what can he do because I did NOT make his flyers? Oh and I burnt the ones that he gave me to "copy"? He is so picky, controlling, and on and on and on. If there was a flower in the middle of one flyer, there had to be the same flower on the new flyer. Since I've been making these "flyers" for I don't know how many years, I've had different computers and different programs and he doesn't like it being different! Although I have to admit, back in 2003 I got a computer for graduation and didn't have a clip art program so he let me go buy a really nice, expensive one (obviously he paid for it) for me to have to make him his flyers!

8/21/09

Okay, this is really sad/ weird to say, but for 5 1/2 years I have HATED when Brad just randomly. sporadically gives me hug. I know, I'm weird. I haven't said anything to him because I felt like I would be a bad wife. I do enjoy his affect but when I'm walking across the room or doing the dished I don't want to be hugged! After my first visit back with James I had my first "Ah-Ha Moment" in a long time! I realized WHY I don't like them. Jack would do it all the time, of course, and it took me over 5 years to figure this out! When I was around Jack he would follow me around and was constantly hugging (and trying to kiss) me and it drove me nuts. So now whenever my husband just comes up and gives me a hug it reminds me of Jack! I'm totally okay with hugs when I know they are come, I'm not busy doing something or in intimate situations.

I always thought it was weird that I didn't like Brad's sporadic affection. For so long as a teenager I longed for that affection. I dreamt of the nights that someone would hold me in their arms. Now I just need to teach my mind that it is OKAY! One thing I got from seeing Aaron, I needed to re-program my mind to know that affection from my husband is okay. Remind myself it's not Jack, it's safe.

8/21/09 Counselor #3, Time in counseling #4, visit #1

Today I had my first visit back with James. It felt like it had just been a month since I had seen him and we just started back up where we left off!

My biggest fear, well after I talked to my bishop, was that James too was going to wonder WHY I was back and if I had been 3 times, what is the use in going a 4th? And he too will not understand WHAT a trigger is! Nope, I forgot, he is a professional and is dang good at his job! He kept saying it was "normal" to have triggers and come back for more counseling, GOOD!

Last night I kept asking Brad, why can't I just ignore my problems, that's what my family does! Brad (and James) both told me that it is not good, or healthy to ignore problems I'm having and I really do need to go back and deal with them. Towards the end I told James about what my Bishop said. He said he will talk to him, tell him that it is NORMAL, that I really do need to go and about the whole payment situation.

As James and I were talking I was thinking about writing Colleen again. A few minutes later James says that I might want to think about easing up on talk to her since that just might have been a trigger. Okay, maybe I won't be writing her and it has been almost 2 months since we have talked.

James said how great it was that I was being so open with him about such tough subject and details. I sat there a little stunned, yes I am actually OPEN, weird. Wow, 6 years ago I was seeing Joy and I was refusing to tell her anything!

I forgot to post about this, but last Sunday during the end of Sacrament meeting I was sitting out in the lobby. A guy walked in and was just wondering around, he was in church clothes and didn't look threatening, but I had never seen him before and I became terrified that he was going to do something to me! We have an older chapel, it's 3 floors, I thought about going downstairs to get away from him. Then I realized no one was down stairs and he could follow me and then no one else is around, but on the main floor there was at least everyone in Sacrament meeting right there. It is one of my biggest fears right now is "it" (sexual abuse) happening again!

Goal #1- I need to be able to feel safe with Brad. I always end up feeling so guilty that I just need my space from Brad. It's not him, it's just that I don't want to be touched. He can be really affectionate, which is nice, but at the same time I just want to be left alone for now. Which is also normal right now.

I was impressed with how much James remembered. Maybe he looked at my old file or something, but even Aaron couldn't remember week to week WHY I was even there!

Now that I've gone, I feel a lot better about going. I kept thinking I was fine, it really doesn't bother me, but it does.

8/20/09

It's been a long emotional day and it started way too early! James called me back today. Weird to think it's been over a year since I have seen or talked to him. He explained the situation, he has NO opening at LDS FS, but he also works at another counseling office and he can see me there! Works for me. Our LDS FS here in town has a bad reputation, at least that what I hear from others. I don't mind going there, but my only stipulation is I will ONLY see James!

After we made the appointment (for tomorrow!) I hung up and thought, why did I do that? I have no issues! Can you tell I've been trying really hard to convince myself that I'm fine and nothing's wrong? Wow, flash back to 6 years ago! We'll see how counseling time #4 goes...

8/13/09

It started the beginning of this year that my mom started mentioning topics that could possibly lead into the topic of abuse. I know it is not something we ever talk about. The only time I have talked to her about my cutting was when I told her for the first time. We have never talked about that fact that her husband is controlling and verbally abusive. She has belittled my experiences with Jack once while talk about it. After I told her what Jack did, she thought I said it was his dad. When I clarified that it was in fact Jack she asked, "What did he just touch you once or something?"

Ever since March I've been trying to think of the right words to say and the right questions to ask to see if she wanted to open up to me. For one month each summer dad goes out of state to visit family. Mom came up and visited us and I still didn't do it. I knew that I needed to get it off my chest and I would feel horrible if I ignored her signs for help like she ignored mine. I finally picked a time and decided to go down and just spend some time with her. My plan was to leave Tuesday morning and come home Wednesday afternoon/ evening. My friend, MacKenzie, ended up going down with me, leaving Tuesday afternoon. Right after we got there I started with a simple question I knew could open things up, "Do you like having dad gone?" It was like a little kid on Christmas morning, she got excited and said, "YES!!!" I then asked what she liked about him gone, "That he isn't here to tell me what to do!" I was in shock. I looked at MacKenzie and then at grandma and added, "Yeah, he can be a LITTLE controlling!" The conversation died down for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday I knew I needed to try again. We wanted to go swimming, but mom wanted to watch movies with us. We rented 17 Again and Obsessed, both were really good and we ended up leaving a lot later then expected, but oh well. During dinner I tried again, I don't remember where I started. I mentioned to MacKenzie that I hoped James would call me back soon to make an appointment. I told grandma that James was the counselor I was seeing last year, that I was going back and stuff. She didn't say anything. MacKenzie and I talked about our experiences in counseling, that we had met in group and such. Still not a word... I decided to take a leap and asked what I have been wondering since March. "Do you remember at my nephews's birthday party, you asked me where this scar came from? Why did you ask me that? Did you want to talk about something?" She said she just didn't remember it is all. MacKenzie, knowing where I wanted to go, chimed in, "Did you get it from cutting?" I told her no and we carried on a conversation about cutting and such. Still not a word from mom. Maybe we were coming on too strong? She only said how some counselors were, well I don't remember her exact word, but not very good. Okay. Did I mention my family is NOT one for counseling and thinks is rubbish??? Oh, almost forgot, she had to be reminded of who Jack is! Really? I'm convinced she forgets on purpose to protect herself so she doesn't have to feel responsible in any way.

Right after dinner, we did the dishes. I went to dry my hands and grabbed the dish towel from under the sink. As I grabbed it I asked mom (jokingly) "Is this clean?" The story with the dish towel, grandpa does a lot of yard work and when he comes in he uses the towel to wipe off his sweat and he puts it back. Gross, I know. That's why it's a rule to ask and make sure NOT to use grandpa's sweat rag. As I told MacKenzie the story behind it, mom looks at me and says, "Do NOT be telling our family SECRETS!" Oh my, and you wondered WHY I refused to tell Joy anything for 3 months?

At the same time, yes, there are things I still don't think should be posted on here for the world to see. Even though people have done bad things to me and I enjoy talking about them and my experiences in counseling, I don't think I should bash these people and the mistakes they made. I've forgiven them and that's what I try to focus on. I still struggle at times (duh, going BACK to seeing James and all) but for the most part I'm very happy.

- so, the long story short, I left frustrated. I didn't get her to open up to me, but then again MacKenzie was there too. As I talked to my husband on my way home he kept reminding me that I did open the door and how long did it take me to open up to someone about that stuff? That's true, it took me a long time to trust someone enough to tell them. I keep reminding myself that I did my part, the ball is now in her court and if she ever wants to talk about it I'll be there, but I'm not going to push it anymore.

Oh, another idea I had- When I was struggling I LOVED music. Up until last year grandma didn't do CD's. Then they got a new car with a CD player and she listening to CDs all the time. I'm going to put together a few CDs with songs that are uplifting, but not too strong on the abuse subject.

8/9/09

Well, not something I've planned on, but after a few recent triggers I decided to return to LDSFS for yet more counseling... sigh. Well, since we've moved and are in a new ward and new stake, I need to once again talk to Bishop E about it. This would be #6 that I've talked to about abuse stuff. FYI, it's not that fun! I have had 4 great, loving, supporting bishops and 1 that was supportive, but wasn't involved in the process, but not bad. So I go to #6, anyone who has been through abuse ever had to deal with/ talk to people that are "abuse illiterate/ stupid"? My friend, MacKenzie, described it perfectly, they ask questions but don't get it. They just don't understand and the more they try the worse it gets.

It is hard to explain to someone who knows nothing about abuse what a trigger is. Really, after trying to explain how you can be fine, 100% over it and then you see a quiche and your world is turned upside down again and once again you can't stop thinking about the abuse. He didn't get it, so he asked if there were new issues, really no, but I said yes. When he asked in what ways it was affecting me, I told him my relationship with my husband and I've had nightmares. His jaw dropped a little, but he tried to keep his composure! That part was a little funny. He asked 5+ times what James's name was and how to spell his last name. Then he grabbed a binder, started flipping through it and said he needed to check to see if James was one of their approved, recommended counselors. Um, he works at LDS Family Services, I think he's approved!!!!

He questioned if it would help me if I went back to counseling since I've already been 3 times. If it helped last time, why do I have to go back? It has helped me to talk to a friend who told me that her counselor has told her it is NORMAL to have triggers and most people once they are "done" still have occasional visits when triggers and such come up. Okay, so I'm not the crazy one who WAS fine and now needs more counseling!

- There is more, but I've already forgot.
I'm anxious and nervous about returning. Let's see how this goes...