12-6-2004

I started counseling again today. I knew it was going to be different. I was determined that I was not going to have a guy counselor. I don't know why, but I just did not want a guy. Of course it is because I did not want him to be, but oh well. I guess I thought that guys aren't as understanding or can relate as much. Things with "Aaron" have gone pretty good so far. I know this time would be different then with Joy. I knew I was not going to be closed up and I would talk. Guys (or at least Aaron) are so much more direct. Aaron is nothing like Joy, but oh well. Like the first thing he said when we got into his office was, "What can we do for you? Why are you here?". You know, I was not as nervous as I usually am. I didn't have any problem talking to him. I told him about going to see Joy because of my dad's verbal abuse and going to SOLE. Then about how after I for married the stuff with Jack came up. He said that is very common. I had never though that much about it or Jack. Aaron has some good points like- Jack probably really like/ was in love with me because he was so physical. He had to have learned about sexual experiences somewhere, maybe he was sexually abused himself. Also- he is probably having the same problems now with other girls. One major thing he pointed out is that my my mind set I still have problems distinguishing between Jack doing something and Brad. Since I was not in control the, I need to feel a little more in control now. Since I was in charge of Jack I had no way to get away. Until now I hadn't realized that I had not told anyone about what had happened. To things to do this week- try to find a pattern to when Brad does something that triggers things. Have my husband ask if he can rub my back or do whatever, so I can say it is okay and I start seeing it more that way. We also talked a little about my family dealing with it and talking about my dad's abuse. They ignore every thing. I've been the only one to deal with it. Everyone blamed my problems (cutting) on depression. Saturday night while talking to my husband was the first time I admitted out loud that I go back and forth with depression. Sometimes it is pretty bad. Aaron and I talked a little about it today. I told him that right now I don't think that I am, but who knows. On my way home I realized I did not say "I don't know: once. Wow, even I was amazed. Even if I really did not know I said, I don't remember or I have not thought about that. It amazes me how much I have changed in 2 year. A year ago I could barely talk to Joy. Now here I am with Aaron and 20 minutes into our first session and he know what has happened and why I am there! It is so much easier for me to just talk. I am not afraid of people like I used to be. I am not afraid of or ashamed of the past. It has happened, I worked through a lot of it and now I need to get through this stuff with Jack.