12-16-2004

I had my second meeting with Aaron. At first we went over what we had talked about the first time. We got more in detail about what happened with Jack. The only problem is that I don't remember much. It has become very frustrating. I want to be able to remember everything that happened, even if it is a lot worst then I remember. If I remember everything then I could talk about it and be able to deal with it. Why did it take me so long to remember any of it? It wasn't until my first meeting with Aaron that I realized that I never told anyone what had happened. Not Jack's parents or mine, no one. Feelings about Jack started to surface. Towards the end of the meeting I started to be angry at him. Even though it sounds bad that I was angry at him, it was good that I was finally getting these feelings out. Feelings I obviously shoved down inside. I didn't feel guilty or responsible for what happened. I knew that Jack knew that he was doing. There was no way for me to get away either. I was in charge of him while his parents were gone and I could not just leave him. (Aaron asked these detailed questions, which I could not remember. He told me I needed to remember these details) Why do I not remember so much? I don't remember if he did certain things or if he ever tried to take my cloths off. I don't remember even roughly how many times he held me down on his bed. I don't remember if my sister ever baby-sat him. All these questions Aaron asked me that I don't remember. Before I was afraid of things that would surface, but right now I want them to. I want to remember everything that happened so I can deal with it. We also talked about what went on with my parents. How I didn't really have any friends, about what my dad told me must have really brought down my self confidence and self worth.