12/21/04

My third week with Aaron was different. Last week he said he wanted to talk about my mom's death. For the first time I didn't feel afraid to talk about it.

I walked into Aaron's office and the first thing he said to me was, "How is your depression?". I wasn't sure what to say. It took my by surprise that he asked that. We had talked about my depression a little it the first week I went, but that's all.

We talked about how bad it had been in the past and how it changed when I was living on my own.

I felt so frustrated, just like I did my second visit with Joy. I was frustrated that Aaron was focusing on my depression and not on Jack.

I talked to Hayley about it. Then I talked to my husband and he told me I should just go with the flow. If Aaron wanted to talk about the depression we should. Maybe it was for a reason.

After I moved out of my parents house I wondered how my dad would do not having me to yell at and be rude to. Sister Parker and Joy both asked me if I thought he would turn to my mom. I hadn't heard him do or say anything to anyone else but me, well except for that time with my aunt.

12-16-2004

I had my second meeting with Aaron. At first we went over what we had talked about the first time. We got more in detail about what happened with Jack. The only problem is that I don't remember much. It has become very frustrating. I want to be able to remember everything that happened, even if it is a lot worst then I remember. If I remember everything then I could talk about it and be able to deal with it. Why did it take me so long to remember any of it? It wasn't until my first meeting with Aaron that I realized that I never told anyone what had happened. Not Jack's parents or mine, no one. Feelings about Jack started to surface. Towards the end of the meeting I started to be angry at him. Even though it sounds bad that I was angry at him, it was good that I was finally getting these feelings out. Feelings I obviously shoved down inside. I didn't feel guilty or responsible for what happened. I knew that Jack knew that he was doing. There was no way for me to get away either. I was in charge of him while his parents were gone and I could not just leave him. (Aaron asked these detailed questions, which I could not remember. He told me I needed to remember these details) Why do I not remember so much? I don't remember if he did certain things or if he ever tried to take my cloths off. I don't remember even roughly how many times he held me down on his bed. I don't remember if my sister ever baby-sat him. All these questions Aaron asked me that I don't remember. Before I was afraid of things that would surface, but right now I want them to. I want to remember everything that happened so I can deal with it. We also talked about what went on with my parents. How I didn't really have any friends, about what my dad told me must have really brought down my self confidence and self worth.

Jack

What I remember:

• Jack held me down on his bed at least half a dozen times, if not more.
• I saw him naked at least twice.
• I baby-sat him at my house about 3 or 4 times. But he never did anything (that I can remember) there. 
• If he did not get his way he would threaten to rape me or he would become physically aggressive. 
• He would do karate moves on me- kick and hit me. 
• When I sat down he had to sit as close to me as possible and touch me. If I got up and sat somewhere else, or scooted over he followed me. 

About Jack:

• He as about 8 years old when I started watching him. (I was 12)
• He had 2 older brothers (they were adults and never there when I baby-sat)
• His mom was my science teacher in the 6th grade
• He was very active and loved sports.
• He collected Beaning Babies
• He took karate lessons.
• He was controlling and always had to be right. 

12-6-2004

I started counseling again today. I knew it was going to be different. I was determined that I was not going to have a guy counselor. I don't know why, but I just did not want a guy. Of course it is because I did not want him to be, but oh well. I guess I thought that guys aren't as understanding or can relate as much. Things with "Aaron" have gone pretty good so far. I know this time would be different then with Joy. I knew I was not going to be closed up and I would talk. Guys (or at least Aaron) are so much more direct. Aaron is nothing like Joy, but oh well. Like the first thing he said when we got into his office was, "What can we do for you? Why are you here?". You know, I was not as nervous as I usually am. I didn't have any problem talking to him. I told him about going to see Joy because of my dad's verbal abuse and going to SOLE. Then about how after I for married the stuff with Jack came up. He said that is very common. I had never though that much about it or Jack. Aaron has some good points like- Jack probably really like/ was in love with me because he was so physical. He had to have learned about sexual experiences somewhere, maybe he was sexually abused himself. Also- he is probably having the same problems now with other girls. One major thing he pointed out is that my my mind set I still have problems distinguishing between Jack doing something and Brad. Since I was not in control the, I need to feel a little more in control now. Since I was in charge of Jack I had no way to get away. Until now I hadn't realized that I had not told anyone about what had happened. To things to do this week- try to find a pattern to when Brad does something that triggers things. Have my husband ask if he can rub my back or do whatever, so I can say it is okay and I start seeing it more that way. We also talked a little about my family dealing with it and talking about my dad's abuse. They ignore every thing. I've been the only one to deal with it. Everyone blamed my problems (cutting) on depression. Saturday night while talking to my husband was the first time I admitted out loud that I go back and forth with depression. Sometimes it is pretty bad. Aaron and I talked a little about it today. I told him that right now I don't think that I am, but who knows. On my way home I realized I did not say "I don't know: once. Wow, even I was amazed. Even if I really did not know I said, I don't remember or I have not thought about that. It amazes me how much I have changed in 2 year. A year ago I could barely talk to Joy. Now here I am with Aaron and 20 minutes into our first session and he know what has happened and why I am there! It is so much easier for me to just talk. I am not afraid of people like I used to be. I am not afraid of or ashamed of the past. It has happened, I worked through a lot of it and now I need to get through this stuff with Jack.