Christmas, I haven’t really liked Christmas in 12 years. This year has been really hard. It’s my first Christmas not living with my parents. My uncle, cousins and I went & saw a movie, “Mona Lisa Smile.” It is ironic that it all took place the same time my parents got married.
On the way home my uncle was analyzing it, he compared it to my grandma, my grandparents. How she just puts my grandpa first and does everything the way he wants. He talked about being unhappy and all that stuff.
I feel like my life is once again falling apart. I hate my job, I am so depressed I just want to sleep & cry! If I was the only person in the theater I would have just cried.
I’m depressed and I’m ultra-sensitive and emotional. During the movie I kept thinking about how I wanted to kill myself. Then I started thinking, like 20 years from now when I look back on my life what will I see?
I actually started thinking about over dosing tonight. I mean, not doing enough to really hurt me, just some. Something to numb the pain. Then I started thinking about what I would tell my kids about the Christmas that I OD. Just talking some pills will not solve any of my problems.
I called and asked for tomorrow off work. My boss was pissed to say the lease. They have lied to me from day one. (I was a nanny at the time) The dad of the baby has said some pretty mean things to me and tonight it was all the wife. I am probably going to quit, I have had enough.
I have thought about cutting, but no more of that, I am done!
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
12/23/03
I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Ever. It doesn’t feel like it at all. I saw Joy again today. Except I have started to change my attitude, it has made me happier and life is more enjoyable. I brought my scrapbook of my mom. Joy looked at it all, read the letter and stuff.
I thought she was going to think the letter was too short. But she thought I worked really hard this week. She liked the letter and loved the song I talked about in it. She told me to frame the words. I made it look really cool and framed it too.
Joy told me she talked to my aunt (whom I was living with). My aunt told me that she told Joy about our family history with depression. My aunt said Joy said I was doing a lot better since I moved. Then today Joy told me that my aunt said they are really worried about the cutting. Joy told her not to worry that I said I wouldn’t do it anymore and it was under control. Joy told me that my uncle thinks I’m too young to move out on my own. My aunt asked Joy if she thought I was really going to move, Joy was all, yeah she will, she needs too, it will be good for her.
I told Joy how my grandpa has been abusive when I have gone over there the past 2 times. I just need to leave when he does that. I don’t live there, I don’t need to take it.
I’ve decided that in Rachel and I’s apartment I want the small room and I’ll have my desk in the living room. That way I won’t just shut myself in my room all the time.
I thought she was going to think the letter was too short. But she thought I worked really hard this week. She liked the letter and loved the song I talked about in it. She told me to frame the words. I made it look really cool and framed it too.
Joy told me she talked to my aunt (whom I was living with). My aunt told me that she told Joy about our family history with depression. My aunt said Joy said I was doing a lot better since I moved. Then today Joy told me that my aunt said they are really worried about the cutting. Joy told her not to worry that I said I wouldn’t do it anymore and it was under control. Joy told me that my uncle thinks I’m too young to move out on my own. My aunt asked Joy if she thought I was really going to move, Joy was all, yeah she will, she needs too, it will be good for her.
I told Joy how my grandpa has been abusive when I have gone over there the past 2 times. I just need to leave when he does that. I don’t live there, I don’t need to take it.
I’ve decided that in Rachel and I’s apartment I want the small room and I’ll have my desk in the living room. That way I won’t just shut myself in my room all the time.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
12/18/03
I am so incredibly behind. I don't know how to make this short. The day after I wrote last I told my grandma everything. About going to see Joy, cutting, my grandpa being abusive. I told her that I was moving in with Rachel and I would be staying with my aunt and uncle until then. She pretty much understood. At the same time she started denying that my grandpa is verbally abusive. She says I’m just ultra-sensitive! What garbage.
That next Saturday I moved in with my uncle. That night I told my aunt everything also. Oh yeah, I’ll keep it short and say my grandpa didn’t take the cutting and moving out so well.
*The longer version (10 years later)... My grandma told him everything I told her (except that he is abusive). He told me I was evil and that I had a devil inside me. As I was about to leave when I was moving out, he got home 30 seconds before I left. He told me I was destroying his family. For the first time ever, I turned and walked away from his abuse. My hands were shaking as I reached the back door, but I left. I cried the whole way to my aunt and uncles house. For years I dreamed of the day that I would never have to go back to my parents’ house again and that day had finally come!
My aunt said I need to see Joy every week & she wants me to get put on some anti-depressant meds.
So a week ago Tuesday I saw Joy again. I told her everything that has been happening. She was glad I got out. She wants me to go to SOLE, Survivors of Life’s Experiences. It is all women who have been abused. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but I decided I would do it. Then this week she said I was going to do it!
My grandma asked how counseling was going. When I told her about SOLE her response was, “I’ll think about it and let you know if you can go or not.” That is my grandma's way of saying, “You’re not going to do it and we will never talk about it again.” I think that was my pushing factor. She didn’t want me to go, so instead I decided to do it!!! (I was 19 at the time, so she really had no say in the matter)
This past Tuesday I saw Joy again. It was fun I guess. Joy could tell something was wrong. I told her about all my flashbacks (of my mom’s death). So the whole time we talked about my mom’s death. We both cried, that was the fun part. She had me try to talk to my mom, but I couldn’t. I am writing a letter instead, it has been kinda hard.
I can tell how much she really cared about me.
Going to counseling has changed a lot, more than I thought possible.
That next Saturday I moved in with my uncle. That night I told my aunt everything also. Oh yeah, I’ll keep it short and say my grandpa didn’t take the cutting and moving out so well.
*The longer version (10 years later)... My grandma told him everything I told her (except that he is abusive). He told me I was evil and that I had a devil inside me. As I was about to leave when I was moving out, he got home 30 seconds before I left. He told me I was destroying his family. For the first time ever, I turned and walked away from his abuse. My hands were shaking as I reached the back door, but I left. I cried the whole way to my aunt and uncles house. For years I dreamed of the day that I would never have to go back to my parents’ house again and that day had finally come!
My aunt said I need to see Joy every week & she wants me to get put on some anti-depressant meds.
So a week ago Tuesday I saw Joy again. I told her everything that has been happening. She was glad I got out. She wants me to go to SOLE, Survivors of Life’s Experiences. It is all women who have been abused. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but I decided I would do it. Then this week she said I was going to do it!
My grandma asked how counseling was going. When I told her about SOLE her response was, “I’ll think about it and let you know if you can go or not.” That is my grandma's way of saying, “You’re not going to do it and we will never talk about it again.” I think that was my pushing factor. She didn’t want me to go, so instead I decided to do it!!! (I was 19 at the time, so she really had no say in the matter)
This past Tuesday I saw Joy again. It was fun I guess. Joy could tell something was wrong. I told her about all my flashbacks (of my mom’s death). So the whole time we talked about my mom’s death. We both cried, that was the fun part. She had me try to talk to my mom, but I couldn’t. I am writing a letter instead, it has been kinda hard.
I can tell how much she really cared about me.
Going to counseling has changed a lot, more than I thought possible.
Friday, December 12, 2003
12/12/03
It is all out in the open now. Kinda scary how things have changed. I am now living with my uncle. He wants me to go to this behavioral place and be evaluated for depression. Everyone just things I have cut because of depression, no one has bothered to ask me why. I decided I will never again cut. I said that a month ago too, but this time I mean it.
Tuesday, December 2, 2003
12/2/03
I was supposed to see Joy today, but she cancelled. Then tonight I saw Sister Parker. I decided that I needed to talk to her and tell her what is going on.
I told her things have not been so good at home.
She asked how it was affecting me, not good.
Have I been reading my scriptures and praying. Kind of, not all the time.
Have I been going to church? Not for the past 2 weeks.
Then she asked if I have been doing things I shouldn’t be. I nodded, Yes.
She said, “I bet you started cutting again, didn’t you?”
She told me that it did not sound like I was winning this battle, I’m losing big time. I’m letting Satan win, I’m giving in. I was crying of course, I felt like crap, but I needed it. She made me realize that I need to get out NOW.
It is horrible not feeling the spirit, trust me.
I talked to Bishop W. He has told me so many times to get out now, but I have never listened to him. This time I am. I am moving out. I already packed some of my things.
The next day I talked to my aunt and uncle and they let me move in with them for a few months.
Later that night I told Grandma everything (cutting, counseling, and moving out)
On Dec. 6th I moved out!
On Dec. 7th I met my future husband!
I told her things have not been so good at home.
She asked how it was affecting me, not good.
Have I been reading my scriptures and praying. Kind of, not all the time.
Have I been going to church? Not for the past 2 weeks.
Then she asked if I have been doing things I shouldn’t be. I nodded, Yes.
She said, “I bet you started cutting again, didn’t you?”
She told me that it did not sound like I was winning this battle, I’m losing big time. I’m letting Satan win, I’m giving in. I was crying of course, I felt like crap, but I needed it. She made me realize that I need to get out NOW.
It is horrible not feeling the spirit, trust me.
I talked to Bishop W. He has told me so many times to get out now, but I have never listened to him. This time I am. I am moving out. I already packed some of my things.
The next day I talked to my aunt and uncle and they let me move in with them for a few months.
Later that night I told Grandma everything (cutting, counseling, and moving out)
On Dec. 6th I moved out!
On Dec. 7th I met my future husband!
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