9/21/2003

Today during Sacrament meeting every time I looked at Bishop W I could feel his love for me. It amazes me how people like this can love me. It isn't from them telling me they love me, but the way they act, what they so, say and how they treat you. Before Relief Society the Relief Society President asked if we could talk before the fireside tonight. So at first it was just the two of us, she asked me some questions and was just getting to know me. Then she started talking about trials and we started reading about the Brother of Jared. The whole Brother of Jared thing was about trials and how the Lord was always there for them. She kept saying how she kept getting a prompting that there was something more, something else she could do. (She had no idea about the abuse or anything else)I told her I couldn’t think of anything & I really can’t. I know Bishop W told her to talk to me. Some people might be mad or think it is weird, but me, I’m grateful. I never knew what a wonderful man he was and how much he loved and cared about me. I realized today what I want from people, when they ask me what they can do to help me, simply love me!

9/16/2003

(e-mail to Hayley) I finally got rid of all my anger, doubt and fears. First- the past few times I have started to Sister Parker, I have no idea why, but things felt different and I wasn't so sure of the way she felt about it. I decided to go talk to and it went so good. I got over all my doubts that she doesn't really care about me. I know she really does. She also helped me realize that I need to move out. I need to be in a place where I can actually feel the spirit and so on. Then- I talked to Bishop W. After I talked to Sister Parker I kept thinking, I don't need to talk to him anymore. But one thing I didn't talk to her about was the cutting. I knew if I was going to bring it up with Bishop W I would have to explain a lot & normally it takes me a while to warm up to people and tell them stuff. I went into his office and he offered the prayer in it he asked for him to have understanding of me and my needs. I barely even hesitated, just started telling him about my whole living condition and about my dad, the drinking, the abuse, the possible move and then about the cutting. I have never done that before, no even with Joy. He went along the same lines as Sister Parker, but I told him a little more (cutting and such). He agreed that I should move. I need to be in a good environment and away from the abuse, then I won't be tempted to cut.... Joy doesn't even know about the cutting. She did kind of bring it up at the end of our first session, but I basically denied it. Thanks for always being there for me, I don't think i say it enough.

9/16/2003

Last night I was so stressed out and confessed that I almost cut again.  I couldn’t get to sleep because I wanted t so badly. Right now I’m so glad I didn’t.

I was still confused today about if I could or not (move out). When I told my parents I was going to move out my dad flipped. I knew he would. He convinced me that I should stay. He said he would disown me if I moved out. Last night I e-mailed Hayley and told her about the wanting to cut. I told her I should probably talk to Bishop M. Then she reminded me I would have to go to my actual Bishop, Bishop W. The thought of that scared me. I hadn’t really talked to him before and he had no idea what I have gone though and what I am in.

I decided to go to the church and see if he had time. I got an appointment for 10, but still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. I decided to talk to Sister Parker  I told her what was going on with the move. She told me that she felt like I should go. I need to be in that environment and get away from my dad. I realized she was totally right. I don’t want my dad mad at me, which he will be, but what is better for me?

After I left her house I figured why not talk to Bishop W? I got there a few minutes before and I had been praying that I would know what to say. I went in there and never before had I talked like that. He started with a prayer in it he said for him to have understanding of me and so on. I totally just opened up to him. It even blew me away. I told him about my living situation and how my dad is verbally abusive. Then I told him about my greatest fear and my deepest secret- my cutting. He told me that he felt like I should move out. He talked about the abuse and how I need to get away. He told me that if I ever felt like cutting to call him day or night. If I ever need to talk or anything. I have never felt such immediate love for and from someone like this before.

-I don’t want to hurt my parents, but most of all I don’t want to hurt me!

-I need to do this!

9/15/2003

I feel like crap. I am so tired and my head hurts, but it always hurts. I have no friends, well, no friends here. I feel like cutting. I mean, no one noticed the first time. No one even really seems to care what's going on in my life. I felt so stupid at FHE, sitter there all by myself. I have no one to talk to, I mean, I do have Joy but I never feel like this when I go in there & I can't explain it when I don't feel like this. My sister doesn't seem to care anymore. I started telling her about my job and all she said was, "You have a job?" I again feel like there is no way out. I was so close to moving out yesterday & then my dad convinced me it would be worse if I left. Hayley told me my parents can't control my life, why I feel like they do? I can never do anything good enough or ever make them proud of me.

9/14/2003

(e-mail to Hayley) How mad do you think Bishop would be if I cut again? I don't know why I even want to. I just feel empty inside. All I can think right now is about cutting and how badly I want to go get the paper cutter blades and run it across my arm. Why do I feel like this? I tried praying. It has worked in the past, but it didn't. Right now I'm not even trying to. I promised myself I would not do this again. I don't want to hurt myself again, I don't want to. I feel like I am going crazy. I need to sleep, but I can't. All I can think about it cutting. I don't know what to do.