8/28/2003

I started making a list of all the things my dad calls me. Last night as I though of some of the different things it really started hurting. Then today I got up so early because I wanted to talk to Sister Parker. When we start talking and it seemed like she didn't even really want to talk to me. I'm starting to feel like even she doesn't care. I mean, why should she? I'm starting to believe my dad, everything he calls me. Maybe I am just totally worthless. No body really cares about me, who am I kidding.

All Joy tells me is that I need this big social life, that will fix all my problems. It's not going to fix anything. I have a better idea how to fix all my problems. No one could hurt me anymore. I was stupid to ever think Sister Parked loved me. Who could actually love me? No one! Hayley was right, things change. Nobody cares, but then why should why?

It just hasn't been the easiest past few days with my parents. Everything is just so crazy and I never really know what to do or what to take. So then I'm just out of it for a while until I figure things out, or at least try to.

8/28/2003

(e-mail to Hayley)
I want to move out, but I'm scared. That doesn't make sense does it? I guess you have no idea how afraid I am of my parents, not just my dad. They both just get mad and yell about anything. I've seriously thought about moving out before, but it has never really gone anywhere. Do you think I can/ will actually go through with this? I'm so scared, scared for what might happen if I don't move out, about what will happen if I do. I have no idea what I should do. I've realized that I'm letting everything my dad says get to me. I shouldn't, but I am. It does just rip me apart. Nobody knows what it feels like. Nobody knows what goes on inside my head & I don't let people. Am I afraid of getting hurt? Not like anyone can do worst then my dad. I don't get it, parents are supposed to love their children not convince them they are totally worthless.

I don't know what to do. I'll do what I always do- get over it, just go on. Stay living at home pretending nothing ever happens like everyone else in my family does.

8/26/2003

I finally told my mom that I quit my job. I thought out of either of my parents she would be better about it. She was so mad at me. Why didn't I tell her sooner? Because I knew this was going to happen. I can never be good enough for them, ever. What an I really good for?

I didn't want to tell my parents until I had a new job. All my mom said was, "find a new job, NOW!" I can never do anything good enough to make my parents happy.

When my boss and I were talking she said, "I can tell you are just miserable here." She didn't understand why. It wasn't because of my job. No on will ever understand me.

8/21/2003

I've prayed probably every night this past week that everything would go well with Joy today and I would be more talkative or at least not hold back. I can’t believe how well it went. I didn’t think twice before I spoke, so I didn’t hold back. I know that this is something I should be doing. Like Bishop M told me, I had to want to change and to want things to be better for this to work. The first 2 weeks I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I didn’t feel so uncomfortable today as I have. Everything was just great. I could tell that she wanted to help me, it just isn't her job. She asked me twice today, "What can I do to help you?" It was so sincere, not fake. I really don't know. 

Things to do:

Compromise with Dad about sister’s room (the story behind that, My current room was the same room my mom died it. I was struggling, very much with all that. My sister was moving out and so I wanted to switch to her room, but dad wouldn’t let me.)

Introduce myself to Bishop W- Last Sunday I still wasn’t sure about the whole new ward/ new bishop thing but as I looked at Bishop W I felt like it would all be okay!

8/10/2003

I wonder how this is all going to end?

How come out of no where, really for no reason I feel so alone. When I feel like this I start doubting everything.

My dad loves being a jerk so he looks even nicer later. He loves being and acting dumb.

I have no real friends, well ones that live in town or I hang out with. Making friends is not so easy, everyone else has other friends or other things to do.

I hate feelings like this.

8/8/2003

I haven't done this in a while, just write about how I feel and all. I am so much better at then actually talking to people.

I won't know why it is hard for me to talk to people about what is going on and how I feel. It is just so hard for me. I haven't been able to trust a lot of people throughout my life. I never know if people are going to believe me in what I am telling them, or how they will react if they will even care.

My parents never really care what I tell them. It seems like I can never do anything good enough for them.

My dad always makes jokes just to see how mad he can make me. I don't get why he does that.

The only person I really feel like believes me is Sister Parker.

8/5/2003

I saw Joy again today, it was different. Towards the end she told me how she can tell when people are holding back things and when they are telling her everything. But me, can't tell what's going on. She feels like I'm not telling her everything. Then she said I was not shy, but very quiet.

She talked to me about my future husband and how I need to be picky about him. That he needs to have a good family that I fit well in.

Joy asked me why Bishop M recommended me to go to counseling, I really don't know. She asked if I wanted to keep coming, I don't know. I want to talk to Bishop M more about it. I go back in 2 weeks.

I guess she doesn't realize how hard it is for me to talk to people about things like this. It is kinda new for me, it was only April 27th that I told Sister Parker and then Bishop M about all that was going on. I don't open up very easily, I am a ton better at just writing my feelings and all.

To do this week:
-Keep going to singles ward & talk to people
-Find out what college classes my friend is talking and possibly take one (or more) with her.