7/28/03

Today I had my first counseling visit. I was so nervous, but it was pretty good. My counselor's name is Joy*. At first we just talked, Bishop M told her some weird things. Just stuff about my dad, that he had read my journal, that he drinks & other stuff. Okay, he didn't even mention that my mom died or anything about that. It was interesting. She just talked to me about how I needed a life outside of home, how I needed friends and things to do. I go back next week, but I have to do things between now and then:
- Go out and do something with someone
- Go to the singles ward, meet 2 new people and find out all about them
-Transfer records to singles ward.

She asked me what my dad read in my journal and what he said. I was all, well just stuff about Sister Parker  So then we talked about Sister Parker.  I really like Joy, normally I don't feel comfortable around people like that at first. But it wasn't so bad.

*Name has been changed

7/10/2003

Last night I had an appointment with Bishop M. I was so nervous about it. I had no idea how or what I would say. I was the first person, I went into his office and he said a prayer. It was so powerful and things I needed to hear, it felt more like a blessing. I told him what happened last Monday with my dad and then what I did that night (cut). He just sat there for a while and then told me I needed counseling! He said I don't know how to deal with things and I have been thought a lot of trauma in my life. I told him how I really didn't want to, I do not like opening up to people.

I told him, I would think about it, he was all, No you will pray about it. Then after we had talked a little more he said, "I am going to ask you to do something and you might hate me for it." He asked me to write a letter to my dad and thank him for specif things. After that I told him about the letter I received from my dad. He told me that it was not my fault and he understood why I had been mad at my dad. Then he realized how inspired his prayer was, he had no idea why I was coming in.

7/6/2003

Today I once again feel like I'm in total despair. I'm at church, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be at home either. I don't know where I want to be.

Everyone in this ward things that my dad is so great and wonderful, if they only knew how he really is. Everyone thinks that my mom is like all sick and dying, yeah right. She is just crazy and depressed.

My sister actually forgot I was sitting next to her in sacrament meeting. I'm becoming bitter, something I shouldn't do, but I really am.

I have no one to talk to. My parents are the problem, my sister is too busy, I don't have any friends (other then Hayley) and no one in my ward would understand.

I finally have an appointment with Bishop M for Wednesday at 7. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. I just need to talk to someone, anyone who might care.

-Messages between me and Hayley
Me: Do you think I will scare Bishop when I show him my cuts?
Hayley: No, he's weird like that. When something like that happens he tends to love you more.

7/2/2003

The past few days have been crazy. Monday night  (June 30) my dad blew up at me. He said a lot of things that hurt. He even said, "I know about you and Sister Parker and how she is your new mother!" (I had written that she was like a mom to me) I freaked out, he had to of read my journal. I was so mad at him I could of killed either him or me, luckily I did neither. (this is the night I started cutting, also note there is a lot of unwritten stuff leading up to this)

Up until last night I was still upset and very discouraged. I seriously thought that no one really cared about me. At least no one alive in my life that really mattered.

I went to sleep still out of it, I had what I call a "symbolic" dream. I was standing in this all white room. In it there was a few different people, the only one I really remember is Sister Parker. Every person in the room came up one by one and said, "I care about you."

Just this has pulled me out of it, I almost did something I regret Monday night. I learned never to do that again. (cutting) This dream has really helped me, it has helped me hang on just another day. To know that someone out there and a few others, really do care about me in my life right now.

I felt like even my future family wasn't good enough to live for. I know that it is...