Why is it that all my deep thoughts come to me as I am trying to fall asleep? It can be very frustrating! Tonight as I was laying down I started thinking about all the "self preservation" steps I've done the past few weeks. As I mentioned earlier, I unfollowed my entire family on Facebook. It has been so helpful. I was telling my husband that when I am in the right mood/ state of mind, I can handle the Facebook posts. So, when I know I can handle them, I look at them and get it over with. The beauty of them not popping up in my feed is that I am not bombarded with them and it is triggering me. I simply look at my family's pages when I feel up to it!

I have felt torn about approaching my dad's death on Facebook.
1. Do I simply announce he has died? Knowing that there will be condolences and they are a HUGE trigger. Like my husband said, just pull off the band-aid and get it all over with.
2. Do I post it simi-bluntly that I do NOT want condolences?
3. Or do I go full throttle and post that he was abusive?

I am not leaning towards any of these options right now. I am just waiting for the right time/ situation to bring it up.

Knowing that eventually I am going to have to bring it up I also knew that I needed to block a (used to be) close family member! This family member was super close to me from the time I was born until I was 15-ish. She is a total drama queen. If I went with option 1, she will comment about how wonderful dad was, as will 99% of the people I know. Which is why it is  a huge trigger and I am not liking that option. Even if I went with 2 or 3 she will flip out. Thus, she needed to get blocked. I finally blocked her yesterday.

So thinking about his family member (as I was trying to fall asleep) made me think about the abuse. I thought the abuse started when I was around 12 or 13. Yet, I vividly remember the first time it happened and I think I was 14 or 15. Anyways, the family member used to visit every year and we would visit them every year. They lived across the country so it was a big deal. They would come for several weeks and we would go there for a month. I always had the utmost respect for them and I remember always being nice, never rude. My parents came home from the airport after dropping them off and my dad had my sister and I come into the living room.* My dad went off on how this family member told him that we were so rude to her the whole time. How were were horrible kids and on and on and on. I was flabbergasted! A) I didn't recall being anything but nice and B) my dad had never talked to us like that before. It was the beginning of the constant abuse. It was also when I stopped trusting this family member.

* I don't know why, but the abuse always happened either in the living room or in my bedroom. I have no clue why, but it was always very formal. We had to sit down on the couch to get screamed at.