Spiral

It's been a week now since my dad (grandpa) passed away. I started back in counseling, seeing Grace again. It has been good. I have been doing better then I thought I would. I survived the whole trip to Vegas. I made it through looking at old pictures to e-mail my cousin. Then 1 little Facebook message has sent me down the emotional spiral all over again. Maybe that is why I have been keeping his death a secret. I don't want condolences. I can't handle condolences. Just the thought of them sends me spiraling. The weird part is that I'm not emotional about losing my dad, it's not a normal grieving thing. The feelings and emotions that hit me are such a hard mix I can't even describe them. It's partly because of the abuse, maybe a little sad, partly because we were close when I was little before he became abusive, partly mad that everyone through he was so wonderful. What do you even call that- mad, sad, hurt, annoyed and trying my hardest not to be angry. Grace and I talked about me being honest about why I wasn't going to the funeral. In her office I thought, man I've waited years to be able to be honest about his abuse. Then I thought, oh I'll wait until after the funeral to open up about it. Now, the funeral is over and I still don't feel ready. Why? It's almost like I'll be betraying him. I thought I would do this whole Facebook post about why I didn't go and all this stuff, yet I'm still hiding it. I'm not ready to acknowledge he is gone, maybe that is the sad and in denial part of me. Part of me is afraid to open that can of worms. Even though he is gone I won't want my family to be mad at me, which they probably will. I'm not afraid to tell people he was a horrible person. I'm just afraid of the backlash from my family. 2 days prior to his death I unfollowed every member of my family on Facebook. It was just too much for me. I finally decided to brave it and look at all their Facebook posts. Every single member of my family posted about him. I wish saying "uggg" was enough. Then one comment made me want to punch something. "Maybe he didn't die. Maybe he got translated." LDS folks will know what that means. It's hard for me not to say, "I didn't realize horrible people who are abusive and alcoholics get translated?" uggggggggggggggggggggg. As much as I want to stay up late crying and watching TV, my in-laws will be here in 12 hours for Thanksgiving!