isn't a good one...

Just a few days before Grandpa died I knew I needed to take some drastic steps for self-preservation.

1) Unfollow all my family on Facebook.
That way when every person posted that he died, his obituary, how amazing he was, his funeral and then more about how much they miss him for the next 6 months, I won't have to see it.

2) Stay off of Instagram
For the same reason above. I didn't want to unfollow everyone on Insta because it is more noticeable if I want to follow them again. Plus, it is easier for me to stay off it. I simply post my pictures and close the app, unlike Facebook that I get sucked into and have to use it for the food pantry.

3) Counseling
Uggg. I'm not sure I will ever be done with counseling! Like, EVER. I went a whopping 2 years between visits this time. I think that is my record.

After he passed I got curious and looked at my sisters Facebook, or did I look after my friend texted me? Either way, I saw what I sister posted and I was okay with it. Then I discovered I missed a cousin when she posted his obituary. Wednesday night after getting the condolence from a friend on Facebook and I was already spiraling, I decided to take a peek at everyone in my families Facebook. Every single person, I kid you not, posted about him.

Today I found myself on Instagram. For some reason, my phone or app is weird and doesn't update the pictures very often. I checked after the funeral and didn't see anything new. Tonight all those posts popped up. I was doing okay until I got to my cousin's. Now, I am super close to this cousin, yet they don't know anything about the abuse! I tried to take a screenshot of the post, but my phone was being weird.

"Today we celebrated and said goodbye to Papa Don. He was a remarkable man, both in his community and amongst his family and friends. The night Papa Don passed away I remarked, “I can’t think of one memory with my Grandpa that isn’t a good one.” He was a great example of love, service, hard work, and cheerfulness. He had a talent for making people feel special. He was an award-winning master gardener and so well-loved that when I went to buy some flower seeds for his services today, the man knew right away they must be for Don and loaded me up with several packets and wouldn’t let me pay, telling me just how great my Grandpa was."

Normally I wonderful tribute to someone. I feel so torn... Do I come out and voice (not on cousin's post, that would be rude) that I have struggled with things because he was abusive? Do I not say anything at all? Do I really want to cause family drama? Because if I post it WILL. Do I just struggle silently? I also have family members that I am considering unfriending if I do post because it is just for the best!

I tried getting some feedback from an LDS Mom's Facebook page I am on, but it wasn't much help. I'm not struggling to forgive him. I feel like that has been done. How I'm struggling is when these things come up it triggers the abuse. So much so that I physically, mentally and emotionally feel like I am back living in that environment.

 I always thought that once he passed it would be easy for me to tell people who he was behind closed doors. Yet, here I am struggling. I don't feel like I HAVE to tell anyone. I thought I would want to. I feel torn. I want to, but at the same time, I don't want the inevitable family drama that will come.

As I was struggling with these things I quote from Jeffrey R. Holland got stuck in my head, "bad days come to an end."