3/8/15

I'm not sure what prompted this post but I was sitting in Sunday School and it came to me.

I've had the song Gratitude stuck in my head for about a week now.

I've struggled a lot in life. At times I've wondered why I've been asked to take on so much. Though through this I've been able to see all these small blessings along the way. I think it is one of those things, that if it wasn't for those small blessings, and realizing that they are blessings, I'm not sure I could have made it though.

For so long we struggled financially. During the hardest of times Brad didn't buy socks, shoes or other clothing items. His parents was constantly giving him things. He would tell us "I got these new shoes and after a few days I didn't like the way they felt, so here."

The most recent thing to happen, I'm still not 100% happy about it, but it is what it is. Back in September our truck's engine went out. I was rather mad especially since we just did a $1,000+ repair on it in May. At first our friend told us we could find an engine for like $400. Um, yeah, not even close. We started looking for one and soon realized we would have to wait until we got our tax return to be able to afford one. We got our tax return and started looking. The first place my husband called said they just that day got in a 2002 (same year as ours) Dodge Dakota (same make/ model as ours) with 40,000 miles on it! The price still makes me wanna puke ($1,800) but it beats brand new, so that's better.

A few things today made me realize that even if I feel "fine" the depression is STILL there.
First thing- We got home from church and Brad forgot he needed to renew his temple recommend, so we headed back to the church while I stayed home with the kids. Before church we put some meatballs in the crockpot and had decided to cook spaghetti with it. I started cooking the spaghetti and did some dishes. As I was washing dishes I realized what a struggle it was to do those things daily. Little, simple tasks like cook food- doesn't have to be something fancy, do laundry or dishes are hard for me to do.

Then this evening I went to a Women's Fireside at the church. It was for the whole stake and as soon as I walked in the room my depression/ anxiety kicked in. I searched the room for someone I knew to sit next to, but found no one. I sat down, alone, on a row. As several women from my ward walked right by and sat 2 rows in front of me, I was feeling even more alone. As the open prayer was said the tear began to fall. I felt so overwhelmingly alone I debated just leaving. As soon as the prayer was over a Sister from my ward came over and asked if she could sit by me. We are around the same age, have kids close to the same age and she was my visiting teacher for a few months. Obviously during the fireside we didn't say a word to each other. After it was over we talked and got food and talked some more. It was actually really great!

Is it just me (the depression), or is it normal that if you are sitting by yourself in a Fireside that you feel so lonely and empty that you would rather leave then sit alone?