3/25/14

After group and deciding that I should/ need to go on anti-depressants I was anxious to do so. After all I've been putting it off for how long now? I decided to switch to a new doctor, I have not been 100% happy with any of the other doctors I've seen. I've already made an appointment and see him, yeah it was fast! So far, I'm really happy with him.

Last night I was stressing out about it. I can be rather quiet and sometimes it is still hard for me to just speak my mind, so I brought Brad with me because he is rather vocal. I called Brad last night to talk about what we wanted to see happen at the doctors appointment and what we were expecting. I get frazzled/ forgetful easily, so I sat down and made a list of all my questions and a list of my symptoms. 

I finally went in and saw my new doctor. So far, I'm impressed! 

6 years ago while dealing in counseling dealing with Jack stuff and on fertility medication I was really struggling. I finally admitted to my doctor, I need an anti-depressant! I told him it was due to the fertility medication. He didn't question anything and gave me a prescription.

Now, new doctor, Doctor P... The nurse asked me several questions regarding the depression before he came in. Then he came in and we chatted a little at first and then got down to the depression. He asked me to list my symptoms, so it was nice to hand him the list. Then he wrote down his plan of action. He listed different medications we can try and told me he usually recommended Prozac (which is what I was on before) and said it is safe to take long term. Which was one of my questions. The next thing he suggested was counseling. I explained that I've done counseling and I don't think it would be beneficial at this time. he totally got that and said it's just something to think about and maybe down the road I will feel the need for it. Lastly, he said to exercise...

My first day back on it I felt numb. After that I've felt great! I sleep better, I wake up and I am wide awake (I used to feel like I was in a fog), I feel more productive, I have more patience and I am happier! 

3/13/14

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my mind today, so I thought I’d share.

It’s my day off! Yay.
Unfortunately I still have to go into work for a few hours.
I was able to sleep in
Slept in a little too much and rushed out the door before I could make myself lunch
Since I was hungry, grumpy and had no food, my husband went and got me some fries and a coke as he was leaving for a meeting.
The fries were cold! :(
I lost a bead off my necklace
I found the bead
I lost the bead again and really can’t find it...
I got a project done for work, good! Make that 2 things done!
Husband brought me back one of my favorite desserts that they had left over (tres leches, not just that, but from my favorite place to get it!)
I haven’t had much appetite the past few days and don’t even feel like eating it.
Had to change my son's poopy diaper. I was trying to sneak out of work before my husband noticed. He did notice as I was 3 seconds away from leaving, we toss a coin to decide who changes diapers and I lost!
I’m supposed to be cooking our month's worth of meals today, but don’t feel like it.
Think I’ll go shopping instead!
I have my depression group tonight... I really enjoy going!
I'm kinda hoping my husband cooks all the meat I need for meals while I'm gone. Don't count on it...
He didn't cook the meat because I did, however he did do the dishes!

3/6/14

I left group realizing how CRAZY my mood swings are! Seriously, I thought these mainly happen to pregnant woman. Half way thought the meeting I felt much like the first few weeks in SOLE. I thought for sure it was going to end a similar way. Bishop R forcing me to say SOMETHING. Then those crazy mood swings... I thought about something and started crying and crying and crying. Bishop R would glance at me occasions and looked at me like, “Do you want to share what’s going on?” so I finally did. Now a disclaimer before I post this, for the most part I am “happy”, well happy for me. I really do have a good life and I don’t usually see my life as all doom and gloom.

But, something came over me in group and my thoughts were:  My whole life has been trial, after trial, after trial. Even when I’m not currently having a trial, there is still the depression. I feel like I will never be allowed to be happy.

Within 5 minutes of saying that I felt normal again and I thought, Did I really just say that? Because 99% of the time I really don’t feel that way!

I wrote in my journal, "Life has been trial after trial. As soon as one trial ends, things get better, I start to get happy, another trial comes. I get these short fleeting moments of happiness. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy. I look at my life and I have no reason to be unhappy. Between Satan and depression at times I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel with no way out. Deep down I know, this too will end. Maybe with time, maybe with medication, but someday I can and will be whole & happy."

Something odd happened yesterday too. I was on the phone with my Grandma and my Grandpa got home. Grandma, “Grandpa’s here. Do you want to say hi?” Me, “I don’t care.” Grandma, “Here... She wants to say hi.” So after talking to Grandpa, which I don’t believe I have EVER talked to him more than 2 sentences with my Grandma home. If she’s not home then we talk a little because she’s not there. So, that in itself was new. Then he uttered those words, “I love you.” Now the last time I remember him saying that on the phone was 4 or 5 years ago and what did I do? I didn’t know how to react and I hung up on him! When he says it in person I usually just mutter something like, "yeah. you too." Without a whole lot of hesitation I said, “Love you too.” After I hung up I looked at Brad, “I didn’t almost throw up saying that!” That’s a first... EVER. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly meant it.

For a long time the only time he would say “I love you” it was mixed into the verbal abuse. It was hard to take seriously. It was really hard to hear. For a long time I didn’t feel much love, or even like for him. I tolerated being around him. His baptism changed so much. I was not expecting that at all.

See... crazy emotions. I thought I was done and then I thought something and now here I am crying again... You know, for a long time my dad and I haven't really gotten along. I felt like a disappointment to him. When I moved out he was so angry at me. He told me I was destroying him family. When I was little I was totally a Daddy's Girl and then I moved out that is how we left things, very negatively. We haven't talked about that ever since then.