The big day.... (12/30/13)

I’ve thought a lot about how I might feel today. I thought today would be rough. I thought it would be painful. I thought I would cry the whole time out of the mixed emotions.

My emotions over the past 7 weeks have gone up and down. First crying, a lot. Then trying to magically just forgive him for everything. Next, I didn’t care at all. Lastly I went back to crying and feeling anxiety about the whole thing.

The closer the time got for us to leave to go down to my grandparents house the more anxious I felt. As I tried to pack I got my time to fall apart. I called Brad and told him he needed to call my grandparents and tell them we’re not coming. I told him, “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see it. I just can’t handle it.” My loving husband said, "No. We are going." I sat on my bed and cried. I let myself really feel my emotions. Like I said in my last post, I think it is the 18 year old in me that was still hurting. I pulled myself together and finished packing. Brad told me, Maybe this will be a good thing?

The big day came. Grandpa just wondering around their house he seemed happier. I felt a lot calmer than I expected. I thought I would be a wreck.

The first thing was a musical number. THE song that always makes me cry (see this post). I played with Brax’s hair to distract me/ keep from crying. The first talk was by my cousin on baptism. As he talked about how a new spirit is born I thought back to my thoughts on re-trying at a new relationship with Grandpa. I wanted to go from that time forward thinking of him as a new/ different person. Next was a talk by my aunt. During hers I thought of this quote-


I wanted to try to be a better, more patient mom. I also wanted to try hard to forgive Grandpa. At this point I was doing good on the not crying. Then my aunt talked about the family members who have died, but she felt would be there today, mainly my Mom and her son. (Queue tears!) I never thought of that. I thought, okay Mom, if you’re here then help me get through this!

Next on the program was a song. It was interesting because it was my mom’s favorite hymn and the song that is a part of my comfort kit. I did tear up throughout it, in a good way.

We moved on to the actual baptism. I really thought I would be crazy emotional (in a negative way) and feeling uneasy about the whole thing. I felt so calm and at peace about it all. As he came out of the water he was crying and so was I. It was as if as he was baptized the feelings of complete forgiveness came over me. It was as if all those old feelings of negativity towards him washed away too.

I thought watching him get baptized would be hard. I thought it would hurt. I thought it would tear me up inside... In fact it was very freeing!

He seems nicer without the alcohol. I say “seems” because we didn’t spend a lot of time at my grandparents house/ around him. I spent 29 year being around him drunk, so 4 days with him sober isn’t much time. He seemed happier, friendlier, more interested in my kids! Drunk Grandpa constantly called Brax  "Brandon" and never acknowledged if he said the wrong thing. Sober Grandpa called him the wrong name once in those 4 days and instantly realized it and said the right name! What? It still seems weird.

When we left he gave me a hug. Sometimes he does (when we are leaving), sometimes it’s a pat on the back and sometimes it’s just a wave. It was the first time in a looooong time (somewhere between 10 to 20 years!) that I did not cringe! I think... I might be able to even utter the words “I love you too” without wanting to throw up! One of the last times (this was 3 to 4 years ago) he said “I love you” over the phone I hung up on him!

From the time he announced he was getting baptized until it happened I kept feeling like I needed to force myself to magically 100% forgive him. A lot of tears were shed. A lot of mixed emotions were going on. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle seeing him get baptized. The night before I went from completely freaking out about it to feeling at peace about it all. I think my crazy emotions leading up to it were preparing me for the fact that I would feel complete forgive for him once he was baptized.

Now, things still aren’t perfect. Or rather, should I say, he did not magically become perfect. Even though he was baptized he still went shopping on Sunday and he still refuses to go to any part of church other than Sacrament meeting. But you know, it’s not my problem. It’s his life.

12/19/13

I keep feeling inner turmoil about the whole Grandpa getting baptized thing... Everyone is so excited and happy and I'm the Grinch who is NOT happy about this whole thing. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

I know I've said this before, but I had married the most amazing man ever! As he was trying to leave out the door for work I started telling him, "I feel like the Grinch here. I'm the only one who is not excited. I feel bad, like I've been harboring all these bad feelings for him. I mean, come on, he called me a few bad words! Shouldn't I just be over it by now?" He told me I was justified in feeling the way I do and what he did was a big deal and it's going to take a lot of time.

I did agree with Brad that we need to put on the happy face and try to be supportive of the whole thing. He said I should try to be there for my grandma right now... I feel torn about that too. 4 months ago we were talking about Grandpa's verbal abuse and how he scapegoats everything on to me still. She was apologizing for not having need for me 10 years ago. Then Grandpa decided to get baptized and I saw something change in grandma. She went from talk to me about his abuse to defending him! He kept calling Brax by the wrong name, I corrected him and grandma snapped at me... She is also so excited about this. I told Brad, It's like she's completely forgotten that he's still an abusive jerk!

I am still re-try at a whole relationship with him. I don't have high expectations. It's not like his personality is going to change. Brad thinks that Grandpa will start drinking again. I never really thought about that.

I don't care why he is getting baptized. I don't care if he is doing it for all the right reasons, which I don't think he is. It is his life and his choices and consequences. Yet, every time I think about him getting baptized I burst into tears. Not happy tears. Tears I can't even explain...Tears I feel are  coming out of the 18-year-old me for some reason and not the 29-year-old me.

Brad keeps reminding me, "If you think you're emotional now, just wait until Saturday!" Great. I'm going to be a wreck. If it wouldn't completely upset my family, I wouldn't go. I don't want to. I don't want to be there. I don't want to see it. I don't want any part of it. See, I feel like the Grinch again. It's my Grandpa, getting baptized. I should be excited. I should WANT to be there... But I don't. He didn't just call me a few bad names. He nearly destroyed me. He torn me down until I felt completely worthless. Feeling worthless and alone made me suicidal many times between the ages of 15 and 19. I almost ended my life a few times because of what he said to me. It is not a small thing to just get over. I am striving to forgive him. I WANT to forgive him. I'm trying to accept the apology I will never get from him.

The Rollercoaster (12/18/13)

I have all these thoughts and emotions swirling through my head. Earlier  I was trying to figure out what to get my sister for Christmas. I looked through her Pinterest page for ideas. Just now I got online to blog and I still had her Pinterest page up. As I closed the page to blog I saw this...

I've had 7 weeks to prepare for Grandpa's baptism. I feel like I've blinked and it's here. At first the thought of it made me SO emotional. For a while I could not figure out why. Then it hit me, him getting baptized is the end of a chapter. For me to fully support him getting baptized I felt like I needed to more fully forgive him for the abuse.

After I realized this my emotions gave me a nice little break. I kept thinking, Eh, whatever he wants to do, I don't care. Now it is 4 DAYS away and I'm back to crazy emotions!!!

As I sat on our couch looking at our Christmas tree I flashed back to 10 years ago. I had just met Brad, I had also just moved out of my parents house. I was living with my aunt and uncle and I kept having nightmares about being no one wanting me. I felt alone, unloved and mostly unwanted. Then I woke up Christmas morning and much to my surprise my aunt and uncle had gotten me presents as if I was one of their kids. Then the crazy depression hit later the Christmas night... I'll save that for a different post.

After SOLE I was a different person. Somewhere along the way I figured I had just forgiven my Grandpa and had moved on with my life. The truth is, I alienated myself from him. I didn't want a relationship with him. I didn't want anything to do with him. The only reason I kept in contact with him as much as I have is because I now have a great relationship with Grandma. If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't speak to Grandpa at all.

After he announced he was going to be baptized I wanted to start a new page with him. I wanted to re-try at a relationship. After all, he was my best friend from the time I can remember until I was 14 ish...

As I try to prepare myself for his baptism and me trying to more fully forgive him all the words he used to call me run through my mind. No, I don't believe them any more but I guess I'm still struggling to let go of those things.

I am trying to focus on the good in my life. How far I've come in the past 10 years and all. I can't change the past. I can't change what Grandpa said and did. I'm extremely anxious for Saturday. I am not looking forward to my emotions that day! I just want it to be over.

The one phrase that has been on my mind a lot the past 7 weeks, "What are those tears saying?" It's funny the things you get from counseling. The first time around I quit being closed up and stopped saying "I don't know" as my way to not talk about my feelings and emotions. Then when I went to James I learned to really dig deep and evaluate my true feelings as he always asked me, "What are those tears saying?" Tonight they are trying to forgive....

Things Dad said...

Dec. 2013
As I wrote this post it finally hit me as to why I had such strong emotions about my Grandpa's baptism. I wasn’t mad, angry, sad, happy, or excited that he is getting baptized. I feel neutral about it. But why, every time the subject comes up, I cry! As soon as I finished the other post it hit me, the tears weren’t about it, it was about me. Me accepting his baptism feels like the biggest step I’ve ever taken in forgiving him. It seems odd to me at the same time, because if you had asked me 1 months ago how much I had forgiven him I would say 99% to 100%. Everything is in the past. Now I feel like 1 month ago I had forgiven him maybe 25% and all of the sudden I’m taking the step, more like leap, to 99% to 100%. Of course I’m going to be emotional, I’m always emotional!

In taking this leap I feel like writing down the things he has said to me for me to let go of...
B****
Slut
Worthless
Piece of S***
Evil
Have a devil inside me
Destroyed his family
That I take drugs
That in the afterlife I will be his servant (because he is a better person than me)
That my first job ever (I worked in an ice cream shop) was worse than flipping burgers at Mc Donalds and was going to take me no where in life. Because your first job out of high school when you are 18 is your set career for lift, right? (For the record, I found my real passion in life, other than being a mom, when I was 27 and it happened completely unexpectedly!)

July 2015
As I now prepare for him to get endowed I'm re-going though these same emotions and feelings. At first I tried to tell myself that I was going un-rightfully upset about the situation. My husband reminded me that it is normal and it was okay to feel the way I do about it.