Today I got an e-mail from my mother-in-law. I get along great with my in-laws, but it isn't a perfect relationship. Even though i love my mother-in-law, we get along great and I really respect her, she just doesn't understand things I've gone though. I've accepted it at this point that we can talk about anything but my depression and past abuse. When I was in counseling with Grace and we talked about how I needed to call and talk to someone when the depression was bad she asked who I thought I should call. My mother-in-law and Hayley were my top 2 people.
Anyways, back to the e-mail I got this morning. My in-laws are currently on a mission. A past comment my mother-in-law made, made me wonder if just maybe she was starting to have a better understanding of depression. Even though she never said to words, I felt like she expected me to just snap out of it, change my attitude and just NOT be depressed. Well, a while back she told us how some of these young missionaries are going out with depression and their parents think that serving a mission will cure their depression and well, it's not working. It really opened my eyes that maybe she is starting to actually understand it! In this e-mail she mentioned a missionary that went home because of sever depression and how he is now on medication, in counseling and is doing well.
As I read this it brought a tear to my eye. I'm glad she is understanding this illness and can now be there and support others.
I went downstairs to clean up some vomit from Brax. When I was done I decided to do some dishes. While doing dishes I kept thinking about my depression and talking to my mother-in-law. The more I thought about it I decided, what the heck, I'll e-mail her back and open up about my struggle. I finally feel (I don't know the word I'm looking for here, but you'll get what I mean) enough that even if she is negative about it, or tells me I need to just snap out of it, it won't be the end of the world or as hard as a blow as it was in the past.
If people don't understand then that isn't my problem. Not everyone is always going to understand your journey. That isn't their job. They aren't in your shoes. If you try to share your journey with them and they don't take it the way you want then move on. Doesn't mean they can't be in our life, just someone you can't talk to and expect to understand certain things.
Monday, January 18, 2016
I know I've written about it on here, but tonight while talking to Brad I realized how few people know the truth. If you read my posts then you know, Grace and Dr. P also know, and I believe my grandma knows. Other then that, no one knows what the 18 months leading up to my hysterectomy was like. Yes, the #1 reason I tell people that I had it was because my cycles were crazy, which they extremely were! What no one realizes is that I had this back and forth battle going on for 18 MONTHS.
I had 2 options in my life
1) Regulate my cycle, but not be able to take my anti-depressant. So I wasn't happy, was barely functioning, but hey I wasn't bleeding to death!
2) Take my anti-depressant, but my cycle would be uncontrollable! I was doing great emotionally, but physically it was actually killing me. There were days that I honestly thought, a few more days of this bleeding and I WILL bleed to death.
I spend over a year flip flopping the medications. I would go on my anti-depressant so I was emotionally good (yet bleeding) for a few months. Then go off it and go on my medication to regulate my cycles. Wait a few months until I couldn't take the depression anymore. Go back on my anti-depressant. You get the pattern.
I can't say it enough, I'm so glad it's over!!!! I could be having a horrible day and I all I have to do is just think about the fact I had the hysterectomy and it puts a smile on my face!
I've had people try to tell me I should have tried this or that before resorting to surgery. It's hard to explain that I tried this and that and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afterwards the biggest weight was lifted!
It has been interesting to see people's reaction when they hear about my hysterectomy. It's not something I hide because I am SO HAPPY about it! It was great when I went back to see Dr. P 2 months after surgery. Last time I had talked to him he was giving me a referral to get it done. He didn't know it was over and done with.
I had 2 options in my life
1) Regulate my cycle, but not be able to take my anti-depressant. So I wasn't happy, was barely functioning, but hey I wasn't bleeding to death!
2) Take my anti-depressant, but my cycle would be uncontrollable! I was doing great emotionally, but physically it was actually killing me. There were days that I honestly thought, a few more days of this bleeding and I WILL bleed to death.
I spend over a year flip flopping the medications. I would go on my anti-depressant so I was emotionally good (yet bleeding) for a few months. Then go off it and go on my medication to regulate my cycles. Wait a few months until I couldn't take the depression anymore. Go back on my anti-depressant. You get the pattern.
I can't say it enough, I'm so glad it's over!!!! I could be having a horrible day and I all I have to do is just think about the fact I had the hysterectomy and it puts a smile on my face!
I've had people try to tell me I should have tried this or that before resorting to surgery. It's hard to explain that I tried this and that and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afterwards the biggest weight was lifted!
It has been interesting to see people's reaction when they hear about my hysterectomy. It's not something I hide because I am SO HAPPY about it! It was great when I went back to see Dr. P 2 months after surgery. Last time I had talked to him he was giving me a referral to get it done. He didn't know it was over and done with.
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