6/15/15

Today was dark. Things haven't been this bad in a long time. About 1 1/2 years to be exact. I started a new medication last week. At first I felt amazing. I was on cloud 9. Maybe this is it, maybe this is the perfect medication for me.

I explained it to my husband like this, on the new medication everything seems very overwhelming. I have learned over the years a technique for not getting overwhelmed and stress relief. I sit down, relax my body, take deep breaths and concentrate on my breathing. It only takes me a few deep breaths to pull myself back together. I have realized that this works because it clears my mind. I get rid of all the negative or over whelming thoughts. I think about my breathing and it re-sets my system.

Friday things turned. I sat in my car thinking about how I was so sick of constantly fighting the depression. I was done. By the time I got home the feelings had left.

Today I found myself sitting my my car, in the same parking lot as Friday, thinking the same thing. I kept thinking, "I'm done. I give up. I've been fighting for nearly 30 years. I can't do it anymore." As I was driving home I tried to take deep breaths, but it was more like hyperventilating. So many over whelming thoughts swirled through my head. I felt like I was trapped in black tunnel and had been for years with no way out. It's hard not to give up. I got home and collapsed onto my bed. Oh how I wished I could just curl up and go to sleep. Can't I just go to sleep and wake up when life is better? I'm so tired of fighting this fight. Will it ever end?

When the anxiety hits me all at once my mind goes like this:
I've got to call the doctor pay this bill mail this envelope go to the store and get a price on shirts call this company maybe have to take daughter to the doctor. I can't do it all.

I was frazzled to say the least. I walked out to the living room and saw my daughter and I was able to pull myself together. My rational thinking was able to kick back in.
Okay, task one- Call doctor and find out what to do and if we will need to go in.
That's done, so now go run errands. First, pay the bill.
Next, mail envelope.
Oh hey look, the post office is next to the store I need to go to!
Got price quote.
Calling the company can wait until tomorrow.