When your abuser is getting baptized.... (11/24/13)

I don’t know if I’m the first person to be experiencing this, but it has been an interesting journey.
60 years ago my grandparents were getting married. Grandma was LDS and Grandpa was Catholic. I don’t know when or how or any of the details, but he started learning about the LDS church and investigating it. By the time I came along, he wasn’t active in the Catholic church, but was LDS either.

I remember one time when I was about 14 he announced, “Well, I was going to be getting baptized, but the missionary that I really like is getting transferred, so I’m not!” The missionary even got permission to come back to baptize Grandpa, but he used that as his way of getting out of it.

Then about 6 or 7 years ago Grandma called me around this same time of year, asking to make sure we were coming to their house for Christmas. She told me, “It’s a surprise, but Grandpa's getting baptized on our anniversary!” I asked her, “Has he stopped drinking?” She replied, “No, but he has cut back a lot.” I told her, “Well, let me know when he has stopped!”

3 weeks ago he announced to the whole family that he was going to be baptized. Where have I heard this before? It was a mix of emotions.

The past three weeks I have reflected on this and the past 10 years a lot! It was exactly 10 years ago that I moved out. It was extremely bittersweet. Bitter because there was a LOT more verbal abuse thrown at me the last 24 hours I was there. Sweet because I knew that for once in my life, I never had to go back!

The following 6 months after I moved out I was still in counseling with Joy and then went through SOLE. At the end of SOLE I thought I had completely, 100%, forgiven Grandpa. Over the past 9 ½ years little things come up here and there and I’ve realized that as close to complete forgiveness as I was, I wasn’t at 100%, yet.

For 10 years I have avidly avoided Grandpa. I haven’t gone out of my way to talk to him. If he is in the same room then I will talk, rarely to him. If I call their house and he answers, I ask for Grandma. I’ve also been known to just hang up on him if he utters the words, “I love you.” The first time I remember hearing him say “I love you” and it was not in the midst of abuse, I was married. Which is also when I was so stunned all I could think to do was hang up!

Every time the subject of Grandpa getting baptized came up, I would get angry about it! For a long time I held onto these feels that I would not support him getting baptized. I couldn’t see around the fact that he wasn’t worthy to. After all the things he said to me, he has to at least repent of this sin. There was no way I would support him getting baptized until he apologized for the abuse.

It wasn’t until within a few months/ days before the announcement that I finally changed my negative feelings about it all.

I married the most perfect person for me! It was Brad talking to me rationally that got through to me. I realized I needed to let go of my personal negative view of my Grandpa and let him getting baptized be between him and the Lord.

As I sat there telling Brad how there was no way Grandpa could get baptized because he was unworthy of it and is doing it for the wrong reasons, Brad finally changed my thoughts. He explained, That is you Grandpa's problem if he is did this all unworthily (like still drinking). I don’t need to worry about it and need to just let it be. Brad explained that even though baptism essential to getting to the Celestial Kingdom, if someone makes those baptismal covenants and still lives unworthily, it is their own condemnation! It finally sunk in that it doesn’t matter if I approve or not, it doesn’t matter that I will never get the apology for the abuse. Grandpa will live his own life, make his own decisions and if he truly changes his life and gets baptized that is great. If he gets baptized and keeps abusing and drinking, then in the end he will be worse off than if he had never gotten baptized. I am not going to be the one to judge him. I don’t really know the intentions of his heart.

I have finally gotten to a point where I am not angry, mad, sad or disapproving of his baptism. At the same time I’m not excited or happy about it either. I am just going along with it. My feelings are “Ehh”. Really, I don’t know what to say or how to describe how I feel. Mostly, trying my hardest to push towards neutral.

Every time the subject comes up I cry. I have been trying to figure out why. As I have finished writing this I think I have finally figured out the emotions behind the tears... I feel like accepting him getting baptized is the biggest step I have taken in forgiving him for the abuse. And that is causing me to cry, a lot!

PS, apparently he has stopped drinking

11/17/13

Why I don’t think it’s “wonderful”...

My grandparents were keeping my Grandpa's decision to get baptized a secret from their ward until Grandpa was ready to announce it. I’m guessing they announced it today. One of my Facebook friends (who is in my parents ward) tagged me in their facebook post, mentioning how their heard the “most wonderful” news.

I’ll set aside the fact that he was abusive to me...

I don’t think he deep down wants to convert whole heartedly to the church. Growing up he always said he wanted to wait until the end of his life before he was baptized. As he said, “I want to eat, drink and be merry. Then just before I die, I’ll get baptized.” Now as he approaches 80, I’m sure he feels that he needs to do it to save his soul.

He is Catholic and still has that mindset. He told Grandma, my uncle and I (after he announced it to the family)  “I don’t want to get the priesthood, I don’t want to get endowed, I don’t want to get sealed. I am not going to go to Sunday School or Priesthood. I will only keep going to Sacrament meeting. If I need copies made on Sunday, I am still going to go to the store and get them.”

He views his baptism as his saving ordnance. All he has to do is get wet and he’s saved. He thinks nothing in his life actually needs to be changed or affected in any way. I have heard that he has stopped drinking.

He also said that if everyone he knows can’t see him get baptized, he doesn’t want to do it! He is expecting hundreds (yes, 100’s) of people to come and he wants to make sure every single one of those people can physically see him get baptized. The mission president told him he will have it televised into the chapel for everyone who doesn’t fit in the room to see. My uncle told him, no we are not doing that. I agree. It is ridiculous! 

11/14/13

It has been almost 2 weeks since Grandpa announcing that he is going to be baptized into the LDS church. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. The more I think about it the more I remind myself, “Whatever, it’s HIS life!” I think I’ve come a LONG way in the past 10 years.

Brad has helped me with that a lot. We have had many conversations about my Grandpa joining the church and my feelings about it. Even a few months ago I told Brad, for my Grandpa to be getting baptized and “repenting for his sins” I need him to apologize for the abuse first. Right after he announced it I told Brad, I would like just an acknowledgement, but I don’t expect it to happen. Now, I don’t really care. My motto right now about it all is, “It’s his life!”.

Brad explained it to my so perfectly just a few days before I found out. It was such perfect timing. If Grandpa really changes his ways, joins the church, does it for the right reasons, then great. If Grandpa joins the church, still drinks, or abuses, or doesn’t really change his ways, as my husband worded it, “It is his condemnation!”. I try to remind myself that all I know are my experiences and my relationship with Grandpa. This step his is taking is between him and the Lord. I am not the one to judge. I am not the one to tell him he is unworthy to do so.

I was kind of pessimistic when he announced it. I really doubted he would follow through. According to my Grandma, he has stopped drinking! Seriously? She then told me, “Have a little faith in him.”

I asked Brad, I have heard that alcohol changes people’s personalities. Does that mean he is going to get nicer?

I don’t know what it was, but I did soften my heart towards him the day he announced it. He announced it, I went into the bedroom and talked to Brad and had my random crying. Then I got to live out my teenage dream and dumped out some of his alcohol, it wasn’t his wine, but good enough.  It was rather cleansing and therapeutic! After that, something switched inside me. Without even realizing it I decided to re-try at a decent relationship with him. For 10 ½ years I have been on the cold side with him. I didn’t want much to do with him. I would interact with him at bare minimum. I would never go out of my way to talk to him. I don’t remember what it was, but that day I went up to him and showed him something. That is something I haven’t done (or have wanted to do) in many, many years! I talked to him openly, honestly and lovingly instead of bitterly.

Even though I have forgiven him for the abuse, I still didn’t want him to really be a part of my life. I put up with him being around. I’m going to try to change. I am not saying I am opening myself up to get hurt or abused. I am not changing any of my boundaries with him.

It is interesting that he has decided to get baptized now. 2 months ago I told Brad something I had never told anyone before. As I kid, back when I played the piano, one of the songs I would practice playing was “When I am Baptized”. If you are LDS then you know, it is sung at pretty much every baptism ever in history. I would practice playing it and told myself I would play it at Grandpa's baptism. As time went on I realized, he was never going to be baptized. Back then, he didn’t abuse me, he didn’t drink and we were best friend. Every time I hear that song I just bawl. The little girl in my aches. She is sad and disappointed and is longing for her best bud to be baptized. She wants that song to be special for her Grandpa.

After he announced it, we were all sitting around talking and he brought up planning the program. I flashed back to my childhood, sitting at the piano in that same room and practicing that song just for him.

If by any miracle I am asked to play that song (I haven’t played the piano in like 14 years), I don’t think I could do it. Not that I wouldn’t want to. I do. I would just bawl the whole time and there is no way I could make it through it.  

11/4/13

It was about 20 minutes before the “big announcement” and I overheard what it was. It was one of the things we predicted.... Grandpa is getting baptized.

When he announced it, I expected excitement, cheering, crying, everyone overwhelmingly excited. What happened? It was actually really pretty quiet in the room. No one clapped or cheered. It was nice.

About 20 minutes after the announcement I went into the room where we were sleeping to talk to Brad and the tears just started flowing. I kept telling him, “I don’t know why I’m even crying! I’m not happy, or sad, or mad, or angry. I’m just crying.” I told Brad how Grandma has come so far and has apologized for all these little things from over the years, like not having been there for me. I just wish, but never actually expect to happen, him to acknowledge and apologize for the abuse. Never going to happen, but it would be nice. It was weird, standing in that room, looking at the exact spot where I started cutting because of the hurt I was feeling while talking to my husband about my crazy mixed emotions about Grandpa getting baptized.

I wouldn’t say I was shocked. In fact when Grandma asked me if I was surprised I told her, “No! He does this every few years!” She claimed he has never once said he would get baptized... A few years ago she called me and told me he was going to be baptized for their anniversary.

The time before that I was probably 14-ish. He announced that he was all set to get baptized, but the missionary he liked was transferred out of our ward, so he backed out! I've also heard that before I was born he once went as far as the baptismal interview before he backed out.

To be honest, do I think it is going to happen? I don’t know. The #1 problem I have (or more like, he has) is that he is STILL drinking! In fact, an hour after he announced it was he was drinking a beer! Nice!

We were able to have a little fun, we as a family dumped out all his alcohol, except for his wine! A bunch of different family members each grabbed a bottle and poured if down the drain. I excitedly asked for one to dump out, but there was none left. A few minutes later they found another, I quickly called dibs and dumped it down the drain! Man, that felt good! There was a summer when he was out of town that my sister and I wanted to get rid of all his alcohol, but we knew he would just replace it when he got home and it wouldn’t accomplish anything.

I do not think he is fully prepared to be baptized. I kept telling Brad, How is that he has been getting the missionary discussions for 60 years and he is THIS naive about everything! Brad’s response, “Because he hasn’t been preparing for baptism for 60 years, he has been fighting against it for 60 years!”

After the big announcement and all the family left we were able to have a deep conversation about everything between Grandpa, Grandma, uncle and I. Grandpa flat out asked us (HUGE hint he is not ready for this) “Why do I even need to get baptized? Can’t I just keep doing what I’m doing? I go to church every Sunday!” Uncle explained it was growing closer to Heavenly Father and partaking of the sacrament and I chimed in “And being worthy of it, like not drinking!” He doesn’t want to get the Priesthood, he doesn’t want to get endowed or sealed, he doesn’t want to go to more than Sacrament meeting. Really, he doesn’t want anything to change! He is a Catholic and has that mindset of, once I get baptized I am saved and it is the end and I don’t have to do anything else. Uncle kept reminding him, baptism is the First step, not the last! At one point he asked some obnoxious questions, uncle flat out told him, “You’re just being an A**!” Yep, pretty much!

Oh yeah, he already has a date set, 6 weeks from now! Will he stop drinking? Will he be ready? We will see!