A Coke and Chocolate kind of visit!
I am feeling drained emotionally after my visit with James today. James's office is only a few blocks away from my house. I was on my way home and there is a gas station in between his office and home so I stopped to get a Coke then ended up getting chocolate too! Those are my "comfort" foods!
I got home and Brad was there on his lunch break baby-sitting for me. I had to take him back to work and he reminded me that it's "free frazil Friday" for March. Frazil's are like slurpees/ slushies. MacKenzie and Brad work at the same place and the little boy I watch wanted to go see the chicks and ducks inside the store. So I asked MacKenzie what kind of frazil she wanted, Lemonade, which I also my favorite. I went to the 5 stores in town that have frazil and none of them had lemonade! I got her a root beer and headed back to their store. I was a little nervous about going in holding 2 frazil's with a 2-year-old and my dog who's leash I forgot at home! Well, needless to say my dog ended up peeing inside the store! Then I needed to go to the bathroom and while I was peeing the 2-year-old let my dog out of the bathroom so she was running around the store all by herself!
Now the little guy I was watching is gone I have time to sit and relax. I'm still feeling emotionally drained! You know that feeling right after you've cried, yep still feeling it 2 1/2 hours later! It wasn't even that deep of a session, just an emotional one. We continued with talking about Ted. We finished up going through the "letter" I wrote.
We started up where we left off last week-
12. I don't remember Ted ever saying out loud that he loved us. The only time I recall is in his nasty e-mails from a few years ago. In those same e-mails that called me names. It felt a lot like when my dad would say "I love you." It was followed by/ with abuse!
13. It is one thing to have parents that are deceased, but a whole 'nother thing when they choose to not be a part of your life. I'm sitting here wondering, What am I going to tell my kids? What will I say when they ask about their grandpa? I have pictures and stories and lots of fond memories about my mom to share when them, but what will I said about Ted? Seriously, I have NO idea what to do or say. Good thing I have many years before I have to deal with that.
14. My faith/ religion has been the one steady and good thing in my life. So when Ted claims that the LDS church has been so awful to him, it is hard. He refuses to tell me why. I never thought of it until today, but James mentioned maybe there was "church discipline". Like if He did something wrong and was dis-fellowshiped or excommunicated from the church. At first I started to tell James, "but my parents would of told me about that... no wait, they might not." Just maybe they are hiding something like that about Ted. I do respect the fact that people are other faiths or are inactive in the LDS church, but you don't have to be mean and nasty about it!
15. I covered in my previous Ted visit with James
16. This ties in with #14.
17. If you haven't realized I'm a very open person. But 7 years ago I was so closed up and private, it was killing me. I LOVE being open and wish sometimes I could be more open with people, but I know certain people don't want to hear about my abuse story or my problems with PCOS. Since Ted is full of lies and I can't trust him I can't ever fathom telling Ted all about things that have happened. Who knows what he would do with the info!
18. It took me years to get to the point where I felt like I could forgive Ted. I finally found it in my heart to do it and started fantasizing about possibly have a relationship with him! Nothing big or wonderful, but something. Maybe actually have him at my kids birthday parties, talking on the phone about what is going on in our lives. It didn't have to be perfect. But that all came crashing down and now I have to give up those hopes I had for all of a few weeks. Here I am 3 1/2 years later and it still makes me sad!
19. It's just that- it doesn't have to be perfect, wonderful or spectacular, just 2 civilized people that can get along.
20. and 21. That's the same as #17
22. Same as 13
23. That is the only side of him I have ever seen. I wish I could know the real him, if there is anything beside being angry and bitter! Like what does he like to do, that kind of stuff.
24. James talked about how Ted didn't deserve that title. He also talked about majority of these thing are about Ted, not me. It's not that I didn't deserve his love, it about Ted and the choices and mistakes he made.
25. This one was a little different, because in reality I would not of wanted him at my wedding/ sealing or even being outside the temple. But I wish he was a worthy, LDS temple recommend holder that I had a decent relationship with. I also confessed to James, it was My decision that he was not at my wedding, because I didn't invite him. I am now curious as to what would of happened if I had invited him. Would he of shown up at the temple to be there, probably not. Would he of come to the reception, I have no idea! I would say, maybe and maybe not, I don't know. The way he feels about my family might of kept him from coming. But maybe he wouldn't even want to of been there at all. Maybe he deep down loved me and would of put aside his feelings about my family for a few hours to be with me. I will never know!
Homework: James threw out the idea of drawing a picture of my "letter" to Ted. What would it look like? Who would be in it? I'm am really curious now as to what would come out. I just might do it, as it was optional, not my real homework.
My assignment: "The Bridge" Look back and see how far you've come in your healing. Draw a picture with a bridge in it and place your self somewhere in the picture representing where you are at this point in your life.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
3/15/10
I met with James last Friday. It was a really good session. Last time we started talking about Ted stuff and my feeling about it all. I went to write a letter and this is what just came out-
I eventually explained to James that I said I would never talk to Ted again and I just didn't feel like I could. I don't have any problem talking about each of them with James, but directing them at Ted was a bit much for me at this time.
1. and 2. James and I talked about how not only did Ted abandon me, but was/ is emotionally abusive. Maybe not as directly emotionally abuse, but in directly with my family and the lies. He came around but it was never anything, not holidays or special occasions, no school stuff, just "Here is some crap I got for free. Now Thank me for it!"
3. My "Grandma". I don't get it. Yes my parents were divorced when I was about 6 weeks old, but I never once met the lady. We lived in the same town for 16 years! She made my sister a baby blanket when she was born, but not me! Why? I did have a chance to meet her when I was 13, but it was my decision and not her's and I decided not to.
4. - 7. We talk about his lie and how Ted swears on his life he has NEVER lied to me. James said, that is a sign of a lie when they make a big deal that they are NOT lying! Which is totally Ted! I actually remember the first lie I ever caught him in. I wrote about it in this blog post- about my sister's favorite color. Well, I don't have kids, I have had foster kids and my 11 month-old and 20-month-old didn't seem to have a favorite color. It doesn't even make sense to me how you would have a favorite color at 1 year old, I mean, how could you? Am I wrong or was my sister a 1 in a Million kid that had a favorite color at 12-months-old?
8. Another thing he has done that had really messed up my life, the threat to take me away from my family. I lived in the same house from the day I was born until the day I moved out at 19. Although not perfect, it was a pretty stable environment. I began to fear being kidnapped or being harmed by him. To be honest, I still have that fear! I have run into him 3 times in public, out of those 3 times, 2 of them I was scared to death! I was so afraid he was going to kidnap me! Since he has already made that threat to me it was a very valid fear! Grandpa and I used to go to things like convention shows ALL the time. I used to (and still kind of do, not as much) love computers! Every time dad and I went to a computer thing I feared running into Ted, I knew that he too enjoyed computers and I might run into him. Well, one day we did run into him! I can remember the feelings of terror and panic, I was a teenager but I was practically clinging to my grandpa! I'm pretty sure that was the last computer show I ever went to because of Ted and my fear of running into him again!
9. It is one thing to have been raised by a verbally abusive dad, but to have Ted call me a B**** feels different. Since I wasn't raised by him, or spent much time around him and it was in 1 of only a few conversation we ever had!
10. I've posted about his craziness before, here-
A little more background into on me- Brad and I have done foster and are currently waiting for a placement. We are also trying to adopt. The issue of my future children and their birth parents makes me a bit nervous because of what Ted has done. I worry for them that they too might someday fear that their parents are going to come after them and take them away. Obviously I fear more for them if we adopt them through foster care then if we get them from an arranged adoption. I hope they don't feel abandoned or un-loved.
- I feel hurt that you were never there for me.
- I feel hurt that you never seemed to care.
- I feel hurt that my grandma never bothered to meet me.
- I feel hurt about the accusations you made about my mom.
- I feel hurt about the accusations you made about my family.
- I feel hurt by your lies.
- I feel hurt that you claim you have never lied to me and yet I have caught you in lies.
- I feel hurt by your threats to take me away from my family.
- I feel hurt by the names you have called me.
- I feel hurt that you blame everything that goes wrong in your life on my family.
- I feel hurt by a lot of the things you have said to me.
- I feel sad when you claim you love me.
- I feel sad that my children can not have either of my parents be a part of their lives.
- I feel sad about your bitterness towards the church.
- I feel sad that even when you did come around, you still were not a part of my life.
- I feel sad sometimes when I see the St. George Temple and think about the fact that you were married and sealed to my mom there.
- I feel sad that I can't share things about me and my life with you.
- I feel sad that I forgave you and wanted you to be a part of my life and in return you rejected me.
- I wish we could have a decent relationship.
- I wish I could be open and honest with you.
- I wish you would tell me the truth.
- I wish my kids could know their grandpa.
- I wish I could really know you beneath your bitterness and anger.
- I wish I could call you dad.
- I wish you could of been at my wedding.
- I wish I didn't feel so hurt by you.
I eventually explained to James that I said I would never talk to Ted again and I just didn't feel like I could. I don't have any problem talking about each of them with James, but directing them at Ted was a bit much for me at this time.
1. and 2. James and I talked about how not only did Ted abandon me, but was/ is emotionally abusive. Maybe not as directly emotionally abuse, but in directly with my family and the lies. He came around but it was never anything, not holidays or special occasions, no school stuff, just "Here is some crap I got for free. Now Thank me for it!"
3. My "Grandma". I don't get it. Yes my parents were divorced when I was about 6 weeks old, but I never once met the lady. We lived in the same town for 16 years! She made my sister a baby blanket when she was born, but not me! Why? I did have a chance to meet her when I was 13, but it was my decision and not her's and I decided not to.
4. - 7. We talk about his lie and how Ted swears on his life he has NEVER lied to me. James said, that is a sign of a lie when they make a big deal that they are NOT lying! Which is totally Ted! I actually remember the first lie I ever caught him in. I wrote about it in this blog post- about my sister's favorite color. Well, I don't have kids, I have had foster kids and my 11 month-old and 20-month-old didn't seem to have a favorite color. It doesn't even make sense to me how you would have a favorite color at 1 year old, I mean, how could you? Am I wrong or was my sister a 1 in a Million kid that had a favorite color at 12-months-old?
8. Another thing he has done that had really messed up my life, the threat to take me away from my family. I lived in the same house from the day I was born until the day I moved out at 19. Although not perfect, it was a pretty stable environment. I began to fear being kidnapped or being harmed by him. To be honest, I still have that fear! I have run into him 3 times in public, out of those 3 times, 2 of them I was scared to death! I was so afraid he was going to kidnap me! Since he has already made that threat to me it was a very valid fear! Grandpa and I used to go to things like convention shows ALL the time. I used to (and still kind of do, not as much) love computers! Every time dad and I went to a computer thing I feared running into Ted, I knew that he too enjoyed computers and I might run into him. Well, one day we did run into him! I can remember the feelings of terror and panic, I was a teenager but I was practically clinging to my grandpa! I'm pretty sure that was the last computer show I ever went to because of Ted and my fear of running into him again!
9. It is one thing to have been raised by a verbally abusive dad, but to have Ted call me a B**** feels different. Since I wasn't raised by him, or spent much time around him and it was in 1 of only a few conversation we ever had!
10. I've posted about his craziness before, here-
A little more background into on me- Brad and I have done foster and are currently waiting for a placement. We are also trying to adopt. The issue of my future children and their birth parents makes me a bit nervous because of what Ted has done. I worry for them that they too might someday fear that their parents are going to come after them and take them away. Obviously I fear more for them if we adopt them through foster care then if we get them from an arranged adoption. I hope they don't feel abandoned or un-loved.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
3/9/10
Right now I am feeling thankful for this blog! I LOVE working on it. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. I can work on it for hours, looking for songs, quotes, stories, poems and such and I love doing it! Even if no one reads this blog!
I have people pressuring me to pursue college. I know I'm only 25 and don't have kids, but it is NOT for me. It is not what I want to do. Maybe, someday I will want to, but for now I A) don't want to and B) don't have the time with my baby-sitting jobs that I also love! Baby-sitting gives me the freedom to work from home and the ability to run errands if I need to. Plus I get paid to do it and really enjoy it.
Between this and my infertility blog I feel like I might actually be making a difference. That is what I want to do with my life. Do they have a college degree for "making a difference in someone's life and helping them with healing and trials?" So far I am doing it on my own and I don't have to spend 4 years in college. I have thought about going into psychology, but there is too much school involved in that. I hate school. I was told for 11 years that I was a failure at school, and enduring 4 (or more then 4) more years of "You have good grades, yeah right! You're a failure and you suck at school!" Does NOT sound like fun!
I don't need kids, a high paying job, or a college degree to be happy. I LOVE my life so much and I wouldn't change a thing right now, okay well maybe having hubby have a higher paying job, but that is all!
I have people pressuring me to pursue college. I know I'm only 25 and don't have kids, but it is NOT for me. It is not what I want to do. Maybe, someday I will want to, but for now I A) don't want to and B) don't have the time with my baby-sitting jobs that I also love! Baby-sitting gives me the freedom to work from home and the ability to run errands if I need to. Plus I get paid to do it and really enjoy it.
Between this and my infertility blog I feel like I might actually be making a difference. That is what I want to do with my life. Do they have a college degree for "making a difference in someone's life and helping them with healing and trials?" So far I am doing it on my own and I don't have to spend 4 years in college. I have thought about going into psychology, but there is too much school involved in that. I hate school. I was told for 11 years that I was a failure at school, and enduring 4 (or more then 4) more years of "You have good grades, yeah right! You're a failure and you suck at school!" Does NOT sound like fun!
I don't need kids, a high paying job, or a college degree to be happy. I LOVE my life so much and I wouldn't change a thing right now, okay well maybe having hubby have a higher paying job, but that is all!
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