Sometimes I feel like I bring these things onto myself and all too easily!
Last night I was having a sleepless night and started searching for people on Facebook.
Growing up my parents told me little things about my mom. Maybe it was just too hard for them to talk about it. But it has been hard for me knowing so little about her. One thing they did mention a lot was one of her friends. Last night I looked on Facebook and found this friend of my moms. I added her as a friend. A few minutes ago she confirmed me as a friend.
I has stirred up a lot of emotions that I didn't expect. Mostly sadness. I'm sad that I don't know much about my mom. I feel sad that I don't feel like I can turn to my parents for info or stories about her. I do trust my parents, but they had been a closed book about my mom for 18 years now and I don't want to cause them pain by asking questions.
As I sit here thinking about sending her friend a message and the things I might say/ ask her all I can do is cry. I'm trying to convince myself not to. Part of me wants to just let it out. Part of me is saying, "Don't cry over spilt milk." I feel like my tears are so petty and I really shouldn't be crying about my mom's friend being my friend on Facebook!
Then I remind myself a question James always asks me, "What are your tears saying." They are saying I miss my mom & I'm feeling sad. I did better then I expected on the anniversary of her death. I feel like my PTSD has been getting better over the years. Sometimes I just need to let myself feel and cry and not try to stop it!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
2/16/10
Last Friday with James we talked about Ted mostly. About the feelings I have been holding on to. I realized that I feel more hurt then anger.
James said that maybe I just need to talk about it more, I haven't shared enough of my story about him. He is the one subject that I am not an open book about. I guess because there is so much hurt there that it is hard to talk about. I mean there are a lot of feelings regarding all the other subjects I blog about, but this one just seems different.
We talked about writing him a letter (but not sending it). I did that a few years ago. I haven't read the letter recently. But tonight I was having a hard time falling asleep and I sat down at the computer and thoughts started flowing! I am loving he direction this "letter" has taken. I will wait until it is done to post it. It has 3 categories, I feel hurt..., I feel sad..., I wish... . It is turning out so well. I also have a music Monday coming up about him.
James said that maybe I just need to talk about it more, I haven't shared enough of my story about him. He is the one subject that I am not an open book about. I guess because there is so much hurt there that it is hard to talk about. I mean there are a lot of feelings regarding all the other subjects I blog about, but this one just seems different.
We talked about writing him a letter (but not sending it). I did that a few years ago. I haven't read the letter recently. But tonight I was having a hard time falling asleep and I sat down at the computer and thoughts started flowing! I am loving he direction this "letter" has taken. I will wait until it is done to post it. It has 3 categories, I feel hurt..., I feel sad..., I wish... . It is turning out so well. I also have a music Monday coming up about him.
Monday, February 15, 2010
2/15/10
He Said She Said
I loved doing this post, it was interesting the 2 different sides of it all! He is Ted, She is me.
He said: I also promise that I will NOT just go off ranting about negative things of her (my mom) - I will not viciously and wantonly attack her to make me look better or to just vent
She said: just continue reading...
He said: I did NOT abandon you or (your sister) EVER
She said: So, terminating your parental rights and having zero contact with me from the ages of 0 to 13 is called...?
He said: I sent a letter to invite the both of you to invite you to my mother's birthday party. Immediately thereafter you started to write to me asking some of these same questions via email and after just a very few weeks and only a few emails you would NOT respond back anymore
She said: Yes, that is true! But I stopped responding because you threatened to take me away from my parents!
He said: you can tell (your sister) her calls on her birthdays the last several years to my cell really hurt and jerked my heart almost out.
She said: My sister claims there have been no such phone calls?
He said: Yes I do have caller ID thanks to your mother
She said: Um? I'm totally confused about this. Which mother? The one who died before called ID was invented? Or the one who has never once called you???
He said: Did you have something to do with the missionaries that knocked on my door 2 days ago? I tried to send them away, they didn't take the get lost.
She said: Nope, that is just what they do, but then again you should know since you once were one!
He said: I was told by ALL THREE of your uncles that if I even TRIED to contact any of you that they WOULD KILL me! I would VERY Much like to hear them deny it!! (just not in person!) (Uncle #2 TRIED to do it "accidentally" right then on 12/22/84 and they did NOT stop or end it there!
She said: Whatever. I have never heard a story about Uncle #2 doing anything to Ted, I have heard of Uncle #1 "accidentally" punched Ted. Then Ted waited 2 years and 1 day to press charges against Uncle #1 and it was 1 day too long to do anything legally.
He said: Sperm donor is EXACTLY what your mother got married for, if there were ANY way that she could have conceived the two little girls without getting excommunicated for doing it out of wedlock she WOULD HAVE! As soon as she was sure that the second pregnancy was firmly set she went home to "Mommy & Daddy". She had ALL THAT SHE WANTED, she had NO desire to be married!
She said: Now this one is hard, because it hurts so much. I remember the day my mom showed me their wedding pictures and how she was bawling! Being married myself I just don't see how anyone (especially my mom) could have or would have done something like that. My grandparents told me how depressed my mom was after their divorce and her crying while showing me their wedding pictures. Does that sound like someone who just used him to get pregnant or did she really love him and he was a jerk? I vote for jerk!
He said: I am not the one that has committed several FELONIES EACH as your ass hole uncles have DONE! Let's see any one of them get a concealed weapons permit!
She said: Um, again, I know no such thing. My uncles do NOT have any police records! I'm pretty sure one of my uncles has a conceal carry permit, so yeah...
He said: my attempt to quietly walk away and just MAYBE when you got older you would be curious enough to come looking and we would have at least a little bit of a chance to connect and get to know each other.
She said: So my original letter I sent to you that said I wanted to get to know you and wanted you to be a part of my life was...?
He said: I am VERY SORRY FOR YOU, as near as I can see YOU ARE BLIND, DEAF & STUPID
She said: Thanks Daddy, I love you too!
He said: ask your absolutely blameless Uncles as to what happened to my spark plug wires from my car at the time of the divorce, and if THEY are all so CLEAN - WHY did last July when my Jimmy was stolen it turn up with 4 windows busted out, 4 spark plug wires get unplugged, 4 spark plugs get snapped off, EVERY personal item in the vehicle is gone but tools that were expensive & hard to get & other valuables are left behind - interesting the same as the 4 spark plug wires that were stolen from the Nova back then
She said: This one makes me laugh! Yes I can totally see my 3 uncles that are all now in their 50's, that live in 3 different cities and 2 different states deciding to get together to steal and vandalize Ted's car! Yep, can totally see Uncle #3 making the 12 hour car ride to do such a thing! Oh my. Oh and Brad and I saw where Ted lives and it's in a very bad part of Las Vegas. Hum, no wonder, but then again everything is MY family's fault!
He said: Too bad your Mom can't tell you about (uncle #3) sticking his FORK IN YOUR MOTHERS ARM!
She said: Again, it makes me laugh. My parents told me so many times about when uncle did that to my mom. Acually my sister stabbed me with a fork Twice!!! (we were kids, it drew 4 drops of blood, no big deal!) If you ask me, it's just a family thing!
He said: Please tell me is the Carving Knives that are used at Thanksgiving - are they CUTCO knives? THEY ARE MINE!!!
She said: Wow, we have CutCo knives?!? I love those things, BUT I've never seen one in my house growing up!
He said: I would love to know what happened to the three Pachinko machines that were in Your attick.
She said: The what now? Have never seen or heard of it!
He said: what about the complete set of "Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories" I believe it was about a 20 volume set of books
She said: Again, ? I have never seen such a thing....
He said: Well sorry to say I do know where the B****** are and they are NOT on this side of family tree!!!
She said: Again, gee Thanks!
This is how I ended things with Ted:
I haven't read the previous e-mail, I might someday, but right now I can't handle it. I wish things had turned out differently, I was hoping to start over and try to have a "normal" relationship with you. but now I see that it is not possible. You continue to hurt me and slander my family.
So forever, Good Bye.
I loved doing this post, it was interesting the 2 different sides of it all! He is Ted, She is me.
He said: I also promise that I will NOT just go off ranting about negative things of her (my mom) - I will not viciously and wantonly attack her to make me look better or to just vent
She said: just continue reading...
He said: I did NOT abandon you or (your sister) EVER
She said: So, terminating your parental rights and having zero contact with me from the ages of 0 to 13 is called...?
He said: I sent a letter to invite the both of you to invite you to my mother's birthday party. Immediately thereafter you started to write to me asking some of these same questions via email and after just a very few weeks and only a few emails you would NOT respond back anymore
She said: Yes, that is true! But I stopped responding because you threatened to take me away from my parents!
He said: you can tell (your sister) her calls on her birthdays the last several years to my cell really hurt and jerked my heart almost out.
She said: My sister claims there have been no such phone calls?
He said: Yes I do have caller ID thanks to your mother
She said: Um? I'm totally confused about this. Which mother? The one who died before called ID was invented? Or the one who has never once called you???
He said: Did you have something to do with the missionaries that knocked on my door 2 days ago? I tried to send them away, they didn't take the get lost.
She said: Nope, that is just what they do, but then again you should know since you once were one!
He said: I was told by ALL THREE of your uncles that if I even TRIED to contact any of you that they WOULD KILL me! I would VERY Much like to hear them deny it!! (just not in person!) (Uncle #2 TRIED to do it "accidentally" right then on 12/22/84 and they did NOT stop or end it there!
She said: Whatever. I have never heard a story about Uncle #2 doing anything to Ted, I have heard of Uncle #1 "accidentally" punched Ted. Then Ted waited 2 years and 1 day to press charges against Uncle #1 and it was 1 day too long to do anything legally.
He said: Sperm donor is EXACTLY what your mother got married for, if there were ANY way that she could have conceived the two little girls without getting excommunicated for doing it out of wedlock she WOULD HAVE! As soon as she was sure that the second pregnancy was firmly set she went home to "Mommy & Daddy". She had ALL THAT SHE WANTED, she had NO desire to be married!
She said: Now this one is hard, because it hurts so much. I remember the day my mom showed me their wedding pictures and how she was bawling! Being married myself I just don't see how anyone (especially my mom) could have or would have done something like that. My grandparents told me how depressed my mom was after their divorce and her crying while showing me their wedding pictures. Does that sound like someone who just used him to get pregnant or did she really love him and he was a jerk? I vote for jerk!
He said: I am not the one that has committed several FELONIES EACH as your ass hole uncles have DONE! Let's see any one of them get a concealed weapons permit!
She said: Um, again, I know no such thing. My uncles do NOT have any police records! I'm pretty sure one of my uncles has a conceal carry permit, so yeah...
He said: my attempt to quietly walk away and just MAYBE when you got older you would be curious enough to come looking and we would have at least a little bit of a chance to connect and get to know each other.
She said: So my original letter I sent to you that said I wanted to get to know you and wanted you to be a part of my life was...?
He said: I am VERY SORRY FOR YOU, as near as I can see YOU ARE BLIND, DEAF & STUPID
She said: Thanks Daddy, I love you too!
He said: ask your absolutely blameless Uncles as to what happened to my spark plug wires from my car at the time of the divorce, and if THEY are all so CLEAN - WHY did last July when my Jimmy was stolen it turn up with 4 windows busted out, 4 spark plug wires get unplugged, 4 spark plugs get snapped off, EVERY personal item in the vehicle is gone but tools that were expensive & hard to get & other valuables are left behind - interesting the same as the 4 spark plug wires that were stolen from the Nova back then
She said: This one makes me laugh! Yes I can totally see my 3 uncles that are all now in their 50's, that live in 3 different cities and 2 different states deciding to get together to steal and vandalize Ted's car! Yep, can totally see Uncle #3 making the 12 hour car ride to do such a thing! Oh my. Oh and Brad and I saw where Ted lives and it's in a very bad part of Las Vegas. Hum, no wonder, but then again everything is MY family's fault!
He said: Too bad your Mom can't tell you about (uncle #3) sticking his FORK IN YOUR MOTHERS ARM!
She said: Again, it makes me laugh. My parents told me so many times about when uncle did that to my mom. Acually my sister stabbed me with a fork Twice!!! (we were kids, it drew 4 drops of blood, no big deal!) If you ask me, it's just a family thing!
He said: Please tell me is the Carving Knives that are used at Thanksgiving - are they CUTCO knives? THEY ARE MINE!!!
She said: Wow, we have CutCo knives?!? I love those things, BUT I've never seen one in my house growing up!
He said: I would love to know what happened to the three Pachinko machines that were in Your attick.
She said: The what now? Have never seen or heard of it!
He said: what about the complete set of "Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories" I believe it was about a 20 volume set of books
She said: Again, ? I have never seen such a thing....
He said: Well sorry to say I do know where the B****** are and they are NOT on this side of family tree!!!
She said: Again, gee Thanks!
This is how I ended things with Ted:
I haven't read the previous e-mail, I might someday, but right now I can't handle it. I wish things had turned out differently, I was hoping to start over and try to have a "normal" relationship with you. but now I see that it is not possible. You continue to hurt me and slander my family.
So forever, Good Bye.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
2/14/10
Two Sides to Every Story
Since I'm dealing with Ted stuff with James I prepared myself for a few days and re-read the nasty e-mails Ted and I exchanged over 3 years ago. Ted and I's story and history is so very complicated. But 3 years ago Brad and I were prepared to do foster care and I finally found it in my heart to "forgive" Ted and I wanted him to be a part of my life. That backfired very badly. I can't find the original letter I sent to him, I know it's on a computer CD somewhere I just don't feel like searching.
Last weekend while at my parents I scanned some documents I wanted copies of. Like the letter that Ted says I am NOT his daughter!
Now, I do believe my grandparents did the best job they could in raising me. They were not perfect, they made mistakes, but still they did their best and I love them. After talk (all via e-mail) with Ted I thought, I am SO glad that I was raised by MY parents and NOT that psycho! After talking to him I believe the abuse would of been worst from him then my dad.
I do have to admit that re-reading the e-mails from Ted and my response, I was a little harsh to him and ruder then I should of been. But, the response I got after that was unbelievable, in a bad way. Just maybe it was good for me to be harsh with him because his true nature came out and it was ugly. One of these days when it's not 3 AM and I have church in 6 hours, I'll go through the e-mails and what we said to each other. I find it so interesting that he clams over and over again that he is NOT lying. But when his story and the stories my family tells me do not match up, who should I believe? His crazy, irrational accusations are very interesting! Oh and if any of my uncles are ever murdered I have written proof that it was Ted. Yes he told me in an e-mail that if he ever saw one of my uncles again he will shoot them with his 12 gauge!
That's all for tonight, just needed to vent! More to come...
Since I'm dealing with Ted stuff with James I prepared myself for a few days and re-read the nasty e-mails Ted and I exchanged over 3 years ago. Ted and I's story and history is so very complicated. But 3 years ago Brad and I were prepared to do foster care and I finally found it in my heart to "forgive" Ted and I wanted him to be a part of my life. That backfired very badly. I can't find the original letter I sent to him, I know it's on a computer CD somewhere I just don't feel like searching.
Last weekend while at my parents I scanned some documents I wanted copies of. Like the letter that Ted says I am NOT his daughter!
Now, I do believe my grandparents did the best job they could in raising me. They were not perfect, they made mistakes, but still they did their best and I love them. After talk (all via e-mail) with Ted I thought, I am SO glad that I was raised by MY parents and NOT that psycho! After talking to him I believe the abuse would of been worst from him then my dad.
I do have to admit that re-reading the e-mails from Ted and my response, I was a little harsh to him and ruder then I should of been. But, the response I got after that was unbelievable, in a bad way. Just maybe it was good for me to be harsh with him because his true nature came out and it was ugly. One of these days when it's not 3 AM and I have church in 6 hours, I'll go through the e-mails and what we said to each other. I find it so interesting that he clams over and over again that he is NOT lying. But when his story and the stories my family tells me do not match up, who should I believe? His crazy, irrational accusations are very interesting! Oh and if any of my uncles are ever murdered I have written proof that it was Ted. Yes he told me in an e-mail that if he ever saw one of my uncles again he will shoot them with his 12 gauge!
That's all for tonight, just needed to vent! More to come...
Friday, February 12, 2010
2/12/10
I told you, this can easily be a 100 part series. Right after I met Ted for the first time we started E-mailing each other. I thought he was harmless, I was also only 13 at the time. Sure he hadn't been around for the first 13 years of my life, but he was my "dad", he created me. We started off with the basic "getting to know you" questions. What kind of things did we like to do, foods we likes, favorite colors and such. At the time my sister's favorite color was purple. I told him that and about 2 to 3 weeks later he asked if her favorite color was still purple. I responded "yes". The next e-mail he went off on how when she was a baby her favorite color was purple. I mentioned this to Grandma. She told me that the story wasn't true. That was my first of many red flags regarding Ted. The next big thing I remember was he told me that I didn't belong to my parents and I belonged to him and he was going to take me away. At 13 I knew that he had no legal right to me. He gave up his parental right when I was about 7 months old and my parents had legally adopted me. I immediately told my mom about what he said. She talked to our Bishop at church about she should do. His advice was that if Ted kept it up get a lawyer involved. I stopped communication with him then. And he seriously wonders why I stopped talking him! And this was all within a few months of meeting him.
My grandparents tried to keep their feelings about Ted neutral around my sister and I. They wanted to let us form our own opinions and feelings about him. Once we realized and voiced that we didn't like him my grandma told us the first ever negative story about him. I point this out because he is convinced that my family brainwashed us against him!
Here is a funny story about him though- On my sister's 16th birthday we went out to dinner and came home to find a note from Ted. In his note he said that while he and Mom were married they decided that they would let us get our ears pierced when we were 16. So he was giving us his and my mother's permission to get our ears pierced. I remember my sister and I joking about it for months. (on a side note we both already had 2 piercing's. Mom let us when we were 7 and Grandma let us get a second hole when I was 14) My sister and I joked about how we would go to the store to get our piercing's and when asked for parents permission hand over the piece of paper saying we have Ted (who had no legal right to give permission) and our dead mom's permission!!!
- more to come...
My grandparents tried to keep their feelings about Ted neutral around my sister and I. They wanted to let us form our own opinions and feelings about him. Once we realized and voiced that we didn't like him my grandma told us the first ever negative story about him. I point this out because he is convinced that my family brainwashed us against him!
Here is a funny story about him though- On my sister's 16th birthday we went out to dinner and came home to find a note from Ted. In his note he said that while he and Mom were married they decided that they would let us get our ears pierced when we were 16. So he was giving us his and my mother's permission to get our ears pierced. I remember my sister and I joking about it for months. (on a side note we both already had 2 piercing's. Mom let us when we were 7 and Grandma let us get a second hole when I was 14) My sister and I joked about how we would go to the store to get our piercing's and when asked for parents permission hand over the piece of paper saying we have Ted (who had no legal right to give permission) and our dead mom's permission!!!
- more to come...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
2/10/10
I don't know if I've posted about it or not, but during a visit with James we talked about my boundaries with my parents. I've been working on them over the past few months, but anyone that knows me knows that I'm not one to really take a stand. I don't have a lot of experience standing up for myself, especially with my parents!
A new boundary I set months ago was to not ride in the car when my Grandpa is driving. This is a big one! Most of the time when we go somewhere Brad and I opt for taking our own car to avoid this. Saturday night we were down visiting family and about to go out to dinner with my parents. My Grandma asked if we wanted to ride with them. This is the first time I've actually had to enforce this boundary. "Well, who is going to drive?" My Grandma said she would. I said, "Okay we will go you guys then". My Grandpa looked at me and asked, "What difference does it make?" I flat out told him, "I wouldn't go with you if you were driving!" He asked "What is that supposed to mean?" I don't remember if I actually said it or not, but I at least thought it, "You've been drinking!"
Yay for me!
A new boundary I set months ago was to not ride in the car when my Grandpa is driving. This is a big one! Most of the time when we go somewhere Brad and I opt for taking our own car to avoid this. Saturday night we were down visiting family and about to go out to dinner with my parents. My Grandma asked if we wanted to ride with them. This is the first time I've actually had to enforce this boundary. "Well, who is going to drive?" My Grandma said she would. I said, "Okay we will go you guys then". My Grandpa looked at me and asked, "What difference does it make?" I flat out told him, "I wouldn't go with you if you were driving!" He asked "What is that supposed to mean?" I don't remember if I actually said it or not, but I at least thought it, "You've been drinking!"
Yay for me!
Friday, February 5, 2010
2/5/10
Today was another visit with James. We talked about how we had dealt with the majority of my Jack issues and how to know when to be done with counseling. Yes, James and I have done a LOT of work and have covered all sorts of different issues I have. But there is still one thing I struggle with. Ted! "Ted" or "Sperm Donor", he had a lot of names, but never dad!
I haven't blog a whole lot about Ted. I don't know what I have or haven't said. Ted and my mom were married in the LDS Temple. They had my older sister and 1 month before I was born they separated and when I was a month old they divorced. I met Ted for the first time when I was 13. We started e-mailing each other for a few months until I realized that it wasn't such a good/ healthy thing going on. (more on that later) He came around on holidays- Christmas, Easter and our Birthdays. He gave us cheap crap that he had gotten for free. I always felt uncomfortable around him.
The last time he came over was in Aug. of 2000, or was it 2001? Anyway, he came over to tell us that his mom had died. I never met the lady and to be honest I held resentment that she never gave a crap about me to ever want to meet me or see me. She made my sister a baby blanket, but not me and we are only 14 months apart in age.
A few nights ago I had a dream that Ted was after me. It's not that unusual, it happens once in a while. I didn't think too much about it. I have thought about how I still have all these feeling I really want to deal with, again more on it later. This part 1 of a 100 part series with Ted. So while talking to James I brought up my dream about Ted. We talked more about it and my past issues with him and things I want to talk to/ work with James with about Ted. Towards the end of the session I got this "Whoa!" look on my face. James asked what it was about. "I had the dream 6 years to the day from the last time I ever saw Ted. I didn't realize it until right now!" Okay, it might have been a few days off, but still give or take a few days. It's easy to remember the last day I ever saw him... Each year my husband and I celebrate our "first date anniversary". 4 days before our first date we went on a trip together, along with other people, and while at Wal-Mart getting stuff for our trip I saw Ted. I also realized that everything that went on in the dream was just like the last time I saw him. The way I felt, what was going on, everything!
I haven't blog a whole lot about Ted. I don't know what I have or haven't said. Ted and my mom were married in the LDS Temple. They had my older sister and 1 month before I was born they separated and when I was a month old they divorced. I met Ted for the first time when I was 13. We started e-mailing each other for a few months until I realized that it wasn't such a good/ healthy thing going on. (more on that later) He came around on holidays- Christmas, Easter and our Birthdays. He gave us cheap crap that he had gotten for free. I always felt uncomfortable around him.
The last time he came over was in Aug. of 2000, or was it 2001? Anyway, he came over to tell us that his mom had died. I never met the lady and to be honest I held resentment that she never gave a crap about me to ever want to meet me or see me. She made my sister a baby blanket, but not me and we are only 14 months apart in age.
A few nights ago I had a dream that Ted was after me. It's not that unusual, it happens once in a while. I didn't think too much about it. I have thought about how I still have all these feeling I really want to deal with, again more on it later. This part 1 of a 100 part series with Ted. So while talking to James I brought up my dream about Ted. We talked more about it and my past issues with him and things I want to talk to/ work with James with about Ted. Towards the end of the session I got this "Whoa!" look on my face. James asked what it was about. "I had the dream 6 years to the day from the last time I ever saw Ted. I didn't realize it until right now!" Okay, it might have been a few days off, but still give or take a few days. It's easy to remember the last day I ever saw him... Each year my husband and I celebrate our "first date anniversary". 4 days before our first date we went on a trip together, along with other people, and while at Wal-Mart getting stuff for our trip I saw Ted. I also realized that everything that went on in the dream was just like the last time I saw him. The way I felt, what was going on, everything!
Monday, February 1, 2010
2/1/10
And the results are....
I'm coming to the conclusion that I have had bad luck with doctors for the past 13 or so years! Seriously.... I will mention a problem I am having to a doctor and they always brush it off as nothing. Okay, I am NOT a doctor and if they are telling me it's nothing then it must not be a big deal. It took 13 years and 5 doctors to diagnose my PCOS.
During my last visit with James I mentioned another problem I have. Again, I've told doctors about it and have gotten no where. James brings up the fact that it is NOT normal and there must be something actually wrong. Part of my homework was to do some research and see what I could find out. I've been thinking about it, but just haven't gotten around to search online about it until Sunday. It took 1 web site and I was able to figure out what was wrong from a mile away. I laughed as I read about "Vaginismus". I don't even know how to pronounce that. And the really "This is so what is wrong with me" info part- It has several possible causes, including past sexual trauma or abuse. Wow, who would of guessed?
Then as I read symptoms, I keep thinking, "Why didn't my idiot doctor put 2 and 2 together?" As I have experienced the symptoms in front of him!!! But then again he did have a positive test result for PCOS, but it took another doctor review my records to find that! Sigh, I give up on doctors. They are either too dumb or too expensive!
I'm coming to the conclusion that I have had bad luck with doctors for the past 13 or so years! Seriously.... I will mention a problem I am having to a doctor and they always brush it off as nothing. Okay, I am NOT a doctor and if they are telling me it's nothing then it must not be a big deal. It took 13 years and 5 doctors to diagnose my PCOS.
During my last visit with James I mentioned another problem I have. Again, I've told doctors about it and have gotten no where. James brings up the fact that it is NOT normal and there must be something actually wrong. Part of my homework was to do some research and see what I could find out. I've been thinking about it, but just haven't gotten around to search online about it until Sunday. It took 1 web site and I was able to figure out what was wrong from a mile away. I laughed as I read about "Vaginismus". I don't even know how to pronounce that. And the really "This is so what is wrong with me" info part- It has several possible causes, including past sexual trauma or abuse. Wow, who would of guessed?
Then as I read symptoms, I keep thinking, "Why didn't my idiot doctor put 2 and 2 together?" As I have experienced the symptoms in front of him!!! But then again he did have a positive test result for PCOS, but it took another doctor review my records to find that! Sigh, I give up on doctors. They are either too dumb or too expensive!
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