10/21/07

I was going through all my files and found this that I wrote over 2 years ago. We were doing foster care and our foster son (Joey) was triggering Jack. -

I feel confused right now. There is so much going on right now. We decided to not keep the kids, Joey and Erica, a few weeks ago. It is hard to explain to people why. We just don’t have that connection with them. Then there is the whole Joey brought up Jack issue.

Last week I felt like I wanted to tell my in-laws, so Friday night my husband and I talked to them. Lets just say I wasn’t thrilled with the results. All I want is a little support, like Sister Parker and Joy always did for me. Instead I feel like I am getting more and more blame on everything else. Like Joey needs to go because I don’t love him and he doesn’t deserve that. Okay so I should be miserable and smother him in love for him to be comfortable and for me to have an emotional breakdown every time I touch him, GREAT. (mother-in-law) brings up, yeah you always look like you are going to explode and then all this other stuff, I was like, you know your son explodes too, it’s not just me! She wouldn’t let me try to explain anything. Like how I was “traumatized” by my mom’s death and since I was older I would remember more then my sister. I tried to tell her that I was, but through SOLE I got over it and I was actually younger, but no I didn’t get to get any of that in, she was like, whatever. I’m trying to think of everything else that I got the blame for. My husband says I have this “the world is out to get me” attitude. It doesn’t help that at every bump in the road him and his parents fingers are pointed at me. It is all about my “issues” and how he is just there being perfect! Mother-in-laws philosophy, Brad has said it too, all you have to do is forgive and forget! If it were only THAT easy. I had actually done that, I forgave this kid and I didn’t think about it until I had this 5 year old touching me all the time and I flip out because it reminds me what this kid did.

Joey’s therapist has explained it like this for us to try and understand him. If someone is physically hurt you can see that and try and help them, but when someone is emotionally hurting you can’t see it. So this weekend husband’s nephew has been sick and everyone was all over him, but here I am, I pour my soul out to my in-laws and no one seems to care. I wish I could physically show them how much I am hurting. I have not been so tempted to cut in almost 4 years.