4-21-04

During Sole I finally talked without being pushed to. I talked about how much anger I had at my grandma for not doing anything. I just vented and was more talkative. Our activity was the Trading Post. We gave up one of our stumbling blocks and got something in return. I thought about it and decided on what I wanted to trade. I sat back and watched closely at how they (Joy and Courtney) were doing it. Before now I have had such major trust issues, I was only willing to trust Joy. I wouldn't even think about talking to, opening up to or trusting Courtney. As I watched others go I noticed that Joy and Courtney would take turns doing the trading post. I made 2 huge steps, I volunteered to go without being forced to and I decided that I was willing to open up and try trusting Courtney. I told Joy and Courtney I wanted to trade being closed up. Joy asked if I was ready to & I know I am. Joy and Courtney would leave the room to discuss what they were going to trade. I was expecting Courtney, but Joy is who ended up talking to me.  I go a banner and a string. The banner I wear around me and across it reads "I don't know" (my go to, I don't want to talk about it phrase). I tear the banner off and pull the string. When I pull the string I let my feelings out and open up "I don't know" is gone. For the first time I have been comfortable joining in conversations in group. Every time Joy and Courtney left the room I would talk with everyone else. I feel like I can tell Joy anything without being pushed now.