Dec. 2013
As I wrote this post it finally hit me as to why I had such strong emotions about my Grandpa's baptism. I wasn’t mad, angry, sad, happy, or excited that he is getting baptized. I feel neutral about it. But why, every time the subject comes up, I cry! As soon as I finished the other post it hit me, the tears weren’t about it, it was about me. Me accepting his baptism feels like the biggest step I’ve ever taken in forgiving him. It seems odd to me at the same time, because if you had asked me 1 months ago how much I had forgiven him I would say 99% to 100%. Everything is in the past. Now I feel like 1 month ago I had forgiven him maybe 25% and all of the sudden I’m taking the step, more like leap, to 99% to 100%. Of course I’m going to be emotional, I’m always emotional!
In taking this leap I feel like writing down the things he has said to me for me to let go of...
B****
Slut
Worthless
Piece of S***
Evil
Have a devil inside me
Destroyed his family
That I take drugs
That in the afterlife I will be his servant (because he is a better person than me)
That my first job ever (I worked in an ice cream shop) was worse than flipping burgers at Mc Donalds and was going to take me no where in life. Because your first job out of high school when you are 18 is your set career for lift, right? (For the record, I found my real passion in life, other than being a mom, when I was 27 and it happened completely unexpectedly!)
July 2015
As I now prepare for him to get endowed I'm re-going though these same emotions and feelings. At first I tried to tell myself that I was going un-rightfully upset about the situation. My husband reminded me that it is normal and it was okay to feel the way I do about it.
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