I've learned a lot about depression in the past year.
Because of the things I have learned my perception of my Grandma has completely changed.
Growing up we weren't that close. I mean, I loved her and all, but I was closer to my Grandpa.
When I was 15 everything changed. All she would do was sleep and watch TV. She wasn't there for me emotionally at all. At the time I viewed her as lazy, selfish and uncaring. After her brother died, I feared coming home. For months I feared that when I got home I would find her dead.
As I've come to learn more about depression and can recognize that what she was going through was severe depression my perception of her has changed. I can now see that she was doing to best she could at the time. We are now really close and talk openly about the depression that we both struggle with.
I have even noticed some of the same characteristics that she had at the time that I now have. If it wasn't for my job that forces me to get up every morning, I'm sure I too would sleep majority of the day. When my depression is bad I find myself not able to emotionally be there for my kids. I'm not emotionally there for myself, so it is impossible to be there for anyone else.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
1/9/15
1 year ago I finally bit the bullet and started going to a LDS Depression Support Group. I was apprehensive about facing my depression. It turned out to be AMAZING! I have loved it so much. Long story short, it is no longer meeting. Our group has been dissolved. I was in shock. Even typing this is making me tear up. I didn’t think I would feel such a loss, but I do! The past 24 hours has thrown me through a loop. It really got me thinking... What now?
Several months ago during group I felt prompted to return to counseling. Not just to anyone, but I wanted to return to Joy. Brad has asked, “Why can’t you find a counseling where we live?”. It’s a valid question. I could easy return to seeing James, who lives in the same town as us. I felt as if I wasn't meant to go back to him. So, why not find someone new? The idea of finding a NEW counseling, which would be my 4th different one, gives me great anxiety! I feel that even though I know my depression is chemical I have been through a lot in the past 30 years and I’m sure it has contributed to the depression. If I were to go to a new counselor I would be starting from square one. Which doesn’t NOT sound like fun. I would like to go to someone who already knows me and about (at least some of) my past.
Last night as Bishop R and I talked and he told me the group had been cancelled, he asked if I was in counseling. I felt like that was my clue that just maybe it was time.
After I got home from finding out that our group had been cancelled, I kept telling Brad, “I don’t know what to do without group!”. Sure, I can still read the manual on my own, but I feel like there is still more for me to do. I have loved learning more about depression and the effects and even more about myself. Yet, I’m left feeling as if there is more for me to learn, and grow and experience from it. I would love to be able to learn tools and maybe just possibly be able to go off my medication. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a long way on accepting my medication. 1 year ago I was against it. I’ve come to understand that sometimes, some people no matter what they do will need the assistance of a medication. I am okay with that, but would like to explore more and see if just maybe I can get to a point where I will not need them. If I need them forever I am okay with that. I just want to make sure to use all the resources available to me. Also, my doctor recommended 1) Medication 2) counseling 3) exercise. We were counting my support group as counseling.
I'm feeling anxious and also apprehensive about counseling yet again... I've never dealt with the depression!
I started thinking about it is important to have hobbies. Then I really had to think... WHAT are my hobbies and interests? I love making crafts, so much so that it has become my job. I also enjoy making jewelry and couponing. I Love blogging and sharing facts/ quotes/ pictures about abuse, healing, depression and such. I like relaxing things- hot bath and anything (bubble bath, lotion, candles and such) of Bath & Body Work's aromatherapy eucalyptus spearmint products!
Several months ago during group I felt prompted to return to counseling. Not just to anyone, but I wanted to return to Joy. Brad has asked, “Why can’t you find a counseling where we live?”. It’s a valid question. I could easy return to seeing James, who lives in the same town as us. I felt as if I wasn't meant to go back to him. So, why not find someone new? The idea of finding a NEW counseling, which would be my 4th different one, gives me great anxiety! I feel that even though I know my depression is chemical I have been through a lot in the past 30 years and I’m sure it has contributed to the depression. If I were to go to a new counselor I would be starting from square one. Which doesn’t NOT sound like fun. I would like to go to someone who already knows me and about (at least some of) my past.
Last night as Bishop R and I talked and he told me the group had been cancelled, he asked if I was in counseling. I felt like that was my clue that just maybe it was time.
After I got home from finding out that our group had been cancelled, I kept telling Brad, “I don’t know what to do without group!”. Sure, I can still read the manual on my own, but I feel like there is still more for me to do. I have loved learning more about depression and the effects and even more about myself. Yet, I’m left feeling as if there is more for me to learn, and grow and experience from it. I would love to be able to learn tools and maybe just possibly be able to go off my medication. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a long way on accepting my medication. 1 year ago I was against it. I’ve come to understand that sometimes, some people no matter what they do will need the assistance of a medication. I am okay with that, but would like to explore more and see if just maybe I can get to a point where I will not need them. If I need them forever I am okay with that. I just want to make sure to use all the resources available to me. Also, my doctor recommended 1) Medication 2) counseling 3) exercise. We were counting my support group as counseling.
I'm feeling anxious and also apprehensive about counseling yet again... I've never dealt with the depression!
I started thinking about it is important to have hobbies. Then I really had to think... WHAT are my hobbies and interests? I love making crafts, so much so that it has become my job. I also enjoy making jewelry and couponing. I Love blogging and sharing facts/ quotes/ pictures about abuse, healing, depression and such. I like relaxing things- hot bath and anything (bubble bath, lotion, candles and such) of Bath & Body Work's aromatherapy eucalyptus spearmint products!
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