10/22/14

I was 16 and life was miserable. I hated my life. I was so unhappy that I constantly thought about ending my life. I spent my time alone in my room most of the time thinking about how I didn't want to go on. Then one night the phone rang. I answered it, I didn't recognize the voice but it was for my Grandma. A few minutes later I heard my Grandma screaming from her bedroom, her brother had died. The next morning as I got ready for school my Grandpa told me that my uncle had committed suicide. I was shocked.

Instantly any and all thoughts I had about taking my own life went away. For over 2 years I didn't think about. I felt grateful for the fact that his death showed me that I truly wanted to live.

Then one night things changed. I lost all hope. I gave up. I no longer wanted to keep going. I went out to our garage and searched through my Grandpa's tools trying to figure out what to use to end my life. I thought he might have a razor blade in with his tools so I kept looking. As I was looking my Grandma came out to the garage and asked what I was doing. I said nothing and went back inside.

About a month later I started counseling and my life turned around.

I'll never forget the night I almost ended my life. If my mom hadn't come out there, I probably would have. Even though both at 16 and 18 I was depressed enough to be contemplating suicide I was in denial about my depression.

I still struggled constantly with depression. Some days are better then others. I love writing and sharing my experiences. Even though I struggle at times, I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints so much. It is one thing that has kept be going through all the rough times.

10/6/14

I used to struggle to fall asleep. My whole life I have struggled with sleep. I used to force myself to go to bed at 1 AM. I would toss and turn for a while and sometimes wouldn't be able to fall asleep until 4 or 5 AM! I wanted to sleep, but my body would not let me. Last night I went to bed at 10:30 (PM at is!!!) The night before was 11. On average it is now 12. I wake up and I'm wide awake. I used to be in a fog. Waking up was difficult, not any more.

On an average day I get up between 8 and 9. Today was my "day off", no work and no kids! I woke up at 9 and laid in bed trying to go back to sleep, but quickly gave up and got up. In the past (before Prozac) I could easily sleep until noon, or even 1 or 2 PM! It didn't matter if I only got a few hours of sleep the night before, I would still struggle to fall asleep every night and wake up every more.

Once I was up I tided up Em's room. Brax threw up last night, we didn't know until this morning. My husband was taking Em to preschool. I asked Brax what he was drinking, "milk". My thought was, um let's get you some juice instead. As I was dumping out his milk I thought, "I am such a mom!" Not just that fact that I am a mom, the fact that I ENJOY being a mom for once! Somewhere between Em and Brax the depression got worse and I stopped enjoying being a mom.

I asked Brax about him throwing up. He said he got it in his hair. Okay, let's take a bath! As I bathed him I again through, "Man, I'm such a mom!"

I always loved my kids, but I struggled. I hated being a mom. I did not enjoy the little things.

I refused to go on Prozac because I've heard "It's bad for you." and "It's addictive". and on and on.

As of right now, I don't care if it is "bad for you." My life is night and day different on it. I can enjoy life again. I love being a mom. Yes, it still is hard at times, but I don't hate it. I am no longer in a fog.

I tried natural supplements and oils, nothing worked. Prozac has been my miracle